Why I will make a great retired person

Most of my weekends are full of activity. Every once in a while, my calendar is totally open, which means I get to do whatever I wish. This weekend was such a weekend, and I find it telling that "whatever I wish" is decidedly geriatric.


Here was my Saturday.

1. Woke up at 7am, because, you know, that's sleeping in.

2. Had a cup of tea and literally counted my leftover change and rolled it up.

3. Did laundry, dishes, vacuumed, dusted, and paid bills all before 10am.

4. Wandered over to Biogirl's house.

5. Had a leisurely brunch with the bff.

6. Went into the garden store next to the brunch place.

7. Went on a stroll around Green Lake.

8. Found the Parfait ice cream truck, and had a scoop in the sun.

9. Complained to each other about the cafe chairs on the sidewalk we ended up sitting in (her: "this cuts off my circulation in the back of my legs!" me: "these chairs make my butt fall asleep!")

10. Came home and watched David McCullough being interviewed on tv while ironing Nordic Boy's work shirts.

11. Read a book, while listening to Vivaldi.

12. Looked at some old photos of friends I miss and felt terribly nostalgic.

13. Opened up all my windows, put my feet up on my couch, and "rested my eyes."

14. Made a simple dinner of rice, beans and veggies with Nordic Boy.

15. Watched a movie under a blanket and ate cherries for dessert.

16. Did a crossword in bed.

I really hope my generation will be able to retire, because I am seriously going to rock that shit.

Sunlove

Me: Look at all the people riding their bikes and gardening and walking around outside!
Biogirl: The first sunny Saturday and people are going bananas trying to soak it up before it's gone again.
Me: Totally.
Biogirl: What's Nordic Boy doing today?
Me: Going to the dump.
Biogirl: Everyone has their own way of being excited by spring, I suppose.

*****

Ways in which my weekend rocketh mine hizzy outeth.


1. Sun! Sun! Sun! It was in the mid-sixties, people! And dry! And sun! You should have seen all the Seattle vampires squinting! Love.

2. Biogirl and I went up north and stood around on the grounds of a winery. As you do. There was grass, and ducks, and middle aged white dudes in Tommy Bahama outfits. It felt anthropological.

3. Had a lovely lunch at Cafe Flora.

4. Went with Biogirl to the ice cream joint where we got yelled at that one time. The workers there were super nice today. I felt suspicious of this, like it was a trap or something.

5. Went to Seward Park with Nordic Boy and walked the loop.

6. Walked over to my neighborhood book store and chatted with the booksellers. I love that I have friendly neighborhood booksellers.

7. Walked over to Greenlake, and on the way home, ran into lovely Linda and her cute doggie. I also love walking down the street and seeing friendly faces.

8. Got all the weekly chores done. Groceries, menu planning, laundry, cleaning, bills, done. Look y'all, I am a grown up!

9. Sat on my stoop and talked to my folks on the phone, barefooted. Did I mention there was sun?

10. TURNED THE HEAT OFF.

It's now Monday and back to rain, but that's ok. I'm still feeling weekend afterglow. I'll be back to my regularly scheduled rain rage tomorrow.

New Year Meme

I do it almost every year, so here it is again...

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

I got laid off. (I know I never told you guys about that, but don't worry, I'm ok, I have a different but similar job to what I had before, with the same library system).

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
None last year, and sort of for this year. I had to make them about not changing stuff, instead of changing stuff, because I am ornery like that.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! My favorite librarian friend, Ol' Soggypants (aka The Soggy Librarian). Also, some other friends too. Yay bebes!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. This has been the first year in a few years that I've been able to say no to that question. I hope it's the beginning of a good streak.

5. What countries did you visit?
Leavenworth. Hey, anywhere that boasts that much lederhosen is a foreign country as far as I am concerned.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Less work stress. There is a little voice in my mind saying "fat chance, lady!" but I am ignoring that voice.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
That getting laid off day was a doozie. Also, my birthday, both because it was my birthday which was full of fun stuff, and also because my dad went back to the hospital that day, and I found out about my new job that day, which is sort of the perfect metaphor for my life. Big happy stuff, and big sad stuff all mixed together for me to figure out.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I felt like I got through some sticky work days with my integrity still in tact. (I am sort of hating the fact that work is figuring so largely into this list. Not like me at all, goddamn 2010).

9. What was your biggest failure?
I want to be a dick about the word "failure," but instead I will play nice and answer the question. I tried to be there for a friend, and that friend was totally not receptive, and so I let go of it, and I felt like a failure for that one for a while. But then I realized that sometimes not being there for someone is actually being there for someone, because if that's what they need from you, then there you go. See how I rationalize things?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope. I was healthy this year, which I'm super thankful for.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Sad to say it was the poop pipe replacement, because poop transport is super important. On a more fun note, my tickets to see plays and dance shows and art shows were definitely my favorite.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Biogirl, for getting a new job and a new place to live. Way to get it done, lady. Also, Nordic Boy, just because of his unrelenting daily awesomeness. Consistent guy, he is.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Shit, I don't even want to talk about it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I can't believe the poop pipe is being mentioned again! Those things are super expensive, man.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The fact that Biogirl moved in down the street from me! In fact, just thinking about it I have to say eeeeee! all over again. Also, visiting my folks, Nordic Boy's folks, Alli and Chris, and seeing Map. Also, still having a job was not so much exciting but a relief the size of planet earth.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I'll save that til the end of the list.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- happier or sadder? both
- richer or poorer? richer, I think, but just by a little
- thinner or fatter? the same (and I can't tell you how much I think that question is fucked up)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I had a ton of fun this year, but I wish I'd had even more. Greedy bastard.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Driving.

20. How did you spend the holidays?
Equal parts at home having cozy times with Nordic Boy and visiting with various friends. Good stuff.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I've been in freefall for some time now.

22. How many one-night stands?
None. God, one-night stands were the worst. Who ever thought that was a good idea? I was a dumb young lady.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
The Daily Show/Colbert Report. And So You Think You Can Dance. Oh shut up, you watch dumb tv too.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I can only think of one person that I truly can say I hate. And I have hated them for a few years. Unfortunately, I think that the hatred levels might have gone up a little this year.

25. What was the best book you read?
Looking over my list of things read this year, there were very few things that rocked my world. I must have just picked poorly. However, I loved Tales from Outer Suburbia, by Shaun Tan. Not published in 2010, but still, it was new to me.

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hard one! I liked The King's Speech, and I Am Love, and Herb and Dorothy, and The American. Oh I don't know what my favorite was.

27. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Just me being me. I like to dress up.

28 Whom did you miss?
The usual suspects: my folks, my many faraway loved ones.

29. Who was the best new person you met?
To be literal about the term "new person," The Soggy Librarian's little munchkin is pretty awesome.

30. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Sometimes you just have to let people be. Let them be sad, or assholey, or absent, or jagoffs, or flakey. It doesn't matter how there for them you want to be, or how good your reasons are for wanting things to be different. Sometimes what you want just doesn't matter. That's what I learned this year. That sounds way more depressing than it really is. Learning it actually has made me feel better about stuff. Go figure.

Almost forgot #16. This is the song that reminds me of this year.

A Whole Old Me!

As you might know by now, I am not a big New Year's Resolution sort of person. I think that I am growing and changing all the time, sometimes with intention and sometimes not, and I tend to shy away from anything that smacks of "becoming a whole new you!" because I think that can go haywire in my mind in a heartbeat. I know too many people that always seem to be on this treadmill of new starts and fresh beginnings and big changes, but yet nothing really seems to change ever. I also know a lot people who make New Year's Resolutions and make some really positive changes in their lives, so I know it can go either way. For me though, I remain New Year's Irresolute.


Now that I have been in a state of bonafide, cardcarrying, homeowning, responsibility-having adulthood for some years now, I do think that there are things that we leave behind as we get older, some of which are good (stirrup pants, I don't miss you), but some of which are not. So this year, instead of making a list of new things I want to do and acquire and accomplish, I am going to make a list of old things that I want to keep and treasure and build on. Rather than making a whole new me, I want to keep the things about the old me that are pretty cool and not let them drift away just because I am becoming an old lady. New Year's Resolutions can be (not always, I know) about changing the things we don't like about ourselves and our lives. How about we take some time this new year to hang on to some stuff that is awesome about ourselves instead? Go ahead, ruminate on what is awesome about your life. And resolve to not let that stuff go.

In no particular order:

1. Being open to new friends.
I've met some really cool people this year. I have also grown closer to people that were acquaintances before, but are becoming pals now. I've also reconnected with people that I was once close to who drifted away and then came back again. There was a period right after undergrad in my 20s where I thought to myself: making friends is so much harder now that I am not in school. Will I never make another new friend ever again? I really thought that. That phase ended though, thankee Jebus, and in the years since I have met some ridiculously good friends. And I have learned how to make friends based on things more substantial than a shared experience or setting. I make friends now because I think someone is kind, and funny, and smart. Mostly kind. Doesn't matter if they're the same age as me or like the same things or even live near me (hi, blog friends!). I have so many people to love, and I'm going to keep that door open.

2. Saying yes to stuff.
This is something I do well, but I can see this getting harder as I get older, and I want to keep on being a person who says yes to stuff. It's easy, as we know ourselves better, to think we have a complete handle on all of our likes and dislikes. I am The Person That Does Not Like Christmas, for example. But you know what? Who says? Maybe there is a situation where I would like Christmasy stuff, in some form or another. So if I get the opportunity, I should, at the very least, consider saying yes. And for some of those considerations, I should actually say yes. Saying yes to stuff has gotten me tubing down a river this year, and playing poker with a super fun group of people, and attending parties given by people that I didn't know very well and were intimidated by, but turned out to be awesome. And yes, doing some fun Christmas things too. In all of these situations, my first inclination was to say no. But I considered. And then I reconsidered. Good job, me.

3. Um, also saying no to stuff.
This may seem counter to what I just said, but sue me, it's my blog. I am also good at saying no to stuff. By this I mean I am good at saying no to stuff that is toxic. Like, people that make me feel bad. I see those people coming and I have no problem whatsoever saying no. I want to keep doing that. Also, saying no to social things when I need to sit my ass down and rest. And saying no to buying stuff that I don't need or can't afford. These are good times to say no, and Ima keep doing that.

4. Making sleep a priority.
I am a bad sleeper. Terrible. So I have learned that I have to get myself to bed at a decent hour as much as possible, and get up at a decent hour as much as possible. I have been doing better with this, and so I shall continue.

5. Be a good friend.
This is one of my life goals that I think about all the time. I really want to be a good friend to my friends and family. I want to pay attention to them, listen, help, make them laugh, make time for them. Just be a good peep. I want to make people I love feel loved and welcome, and leave them be when they seem like they want that too. I do a fair job at this one, but there is always more I can do.

6 Express yo'self
Related to #5, but sort of different. I try my hardest to tell people I care about that I care about them. Or show them somehow. Write a note, send a present, smile when they walk in the door. I hate when I think that someone I think is awesome might not know. Sometimes doing this feels awkward at first. I am thinking about that person. Should I write them a note or pick up the phone just to tell them that I am thinking about them? As soon as I ask myself that question, I know the answer should be YES YOU SHOULD. Reaching out is good. Who cares if I look like a dork? I AM a dork.

7. Include people.
I HATE CLIQUES. I thought that cliques were supposed to die after middle school? I am sad to say that there is still a cool kid table in just about any situation. I want to invite any nice person to sit at that table. Or not have a table. Let's just eat buffet style, standing up.

8. Work at work.
I'm normally good about leaving work stress at work. This year, I admit I let that one go a little bit. So I am re-committing to this one. Work, stay at work. Or else.

9. Sing silly songs.
I ROCK at singing silly songs. And dancing dumb dances. I hope I am still doing that when I am 80.

10. Read and experience art a lot.
I can't imagine a time when I will let this one go, but just in case, I am including it.

11.  Being active.
Whether it's walking around, exercising, dancing, running, whatever. I want to keep moving.

12. Being a good aunt.
I have nieces and nephews, both by blood as well as by love. I want to keep being a positive aunt to all the kiddies in my life.

13. Being a good partner.
Nurturing shit with that Nordic Boy of mine has gone pretty good so far. I think I'll keep at it.

Those are the things about which I am resolute this year, and, I hope, every year.

Go forth and make resolutions, everyone, and change things up, and then think about some things that you do that are flippin' sweet and hang on to those things too. Cool? Cool.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

I don't remember that I grew up with a lot of Christmas/holiday music around our house. I do remember that we had a copy of the classic "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth." Remember that one? And that album cover? Why that song didn't last the test of time I shall never know.

But obviously it doesn't matter if you celebrate Christmas intentionally, we are a Christmas nation and we are all going to know the lyrics by heart of Hark the Herald Angels Sing, whether we like it or not. I have the added advantage (disadvantage?) of having been in school choir my whole childhood, so I know more Christmas songs than anyone really has any business knowing. We had Christmas songs up the ying yang from November through the end of the year, half of which I don't even really know what they mean. There was this one song that we sang in Middle English and shit, talking about the "apple takey ben." What the hell is that? (And please, don't write to me to actually tell me what all of these reference do mean. If I really had wanted to know by now, I would have looked it up). And there was this other song called "Torches" about running with torches to Bethlehem. In my kid-mind I always pictured that like an Olympics style torch runner, running for Jesus, or something. I didn't know, we didn't discuss these things, since it was public school. We sang it, who cares if we understood it? Or maybe this is something everyone else just gets? I don't know. We also sang this one song about keeping your lamps trimmed and burning because the time is drawing nigh. Um, ok. That sounds like an old timey Martha Stewart tip rather than a spiritual song. We also sang the Dreidel Song, and other Hannukah songs. The one I remember most was "Light the Candles." I liked that one. It was peppy. And we got to yell "HEY!" at the end, and how can you go wrong with that? There was another one about Emmanuel, who apparently was a ransom captive in Israel. Intrigue! And also, what are we even talking about? And don't even get me started on the shit we sang in straight up Latin.

Can you tell I am not a Biblical scholar? You are shocked, I can see it in your face.

Anyway, every holiday season, there is holiday wintery music that I do like, most of it coming from the likes of Doris Day and Dean Martin and such, with maybe some Duke Ellington thrown in. But that lasts, unfortunately, for about a week. Then even I, lover of oldies, become totally SATURATED. How many times can I hear Baby It's Cold Outside? A lot. A whole lot. And Judy Garland, I love you, really I do, but I have a cap on how many times a year I can hear your boozy weepy Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas before I want to do myself an injury.

I think this has less to do with Grinchy-ness and more to do with monotony. It's the same feeling I get when I have had the same leftovers for too long, or when I get stuck in a rut watching the same type of movie all the time. It wears me out before I even know it's wearing me out. I just need to mix it up, that's all. Throw something else in there. Please.

In that spirit, I made myself a December playlist. It's super long, so I won't bore you with the whole thing, but I thought maybe you are feeling weary of holiday standards at this point as well. And even if you're not, these are still good songs. Here they are. Some are Christmas songs, some are wintery songs, some are just songs that sound wintery to my ears. Since it's the 23rd of December, I'll do 23 songs.

The Sonics, Santa Claus
(come on, I had to start out with a Grinchy one)

Fleet Foxes, White Winter Hymnal
(another song that I don't know what they are even talking about, and I don't really want to know)

Peter Bjorn and John, The Chills

Fountains of Wayne, Man in the Santa Suit
(I used to work in a mall. This song reminds me of that).

The Waitresses, Christmas Wrapping
(a classic, right?)

James Brown, Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto
(I think that every holiday should give you a reason to say "HAH!" with James Brown)

Florence + the Machine, Last Christmas
(Doing a Wham! cover is always ok in my book)

Loretta Lynn, To Heck With Ole Santa Claus
("when he goes dashin' through the snow I hope he falls." Harsh!)
Common Market, Winter Takes All
(had to put a Seattle band in)
Harvey Danger, Sometimes You Have To Work on Christmas
(another Seattle one, I love the video of the Seattle scenes)

Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, Ain't No Chimneys in the Projects

Jenny O., Get Down for the Holidays
(Dang Target, you made a good holiday playlist)

Ryan Adams, Hey Parker, It's Christmas
(Good song, Mrs. Mandy Moore)

Fanfarlo, Just Like Christmas

My Morning Jacket, Christmas Time is Here Again
(The original Beatles version is of course better, but this one is good too)

The The, December Sunlight
(I got my heart broken bad in December one time, and this song makes me feel happy, in an I Got Through That sort of way)

New Kids on the Block, Funky Funky Christmas
(Holy smokes, this is SO BADAWESOME)

Trentemoller, While the Cold Winter is Waiting
(Good for cold winter walks)

Fastbacks, In the Winter

Magnetic Fields, Everything is One Big Christmas Tree
(ain't it the truth)

Regina Spektor, My Dear Acquaintance (A Happy New Year)
(If you still want it to sound classic, even when it ain't)

Frightened Rabbit, It's Christmas So We'll Stop
(Indeed)

Blockhead, The First Snowfall

30 more days

It's December 1st, dudes. Crikey.


I don't hate December. However, it is, without a doubt, my least favorite month of the year. The reasons for that are long and boring and the only reason you would ever want to hear about them is if you were my therapist and getting paid by the hour, so I shall spare you. Suffice it to say, December: I could skip the whole dang thing.

I never quite know what to do about this feeling, so I vacillate between wanting to close the blinds, get under the covers, and read a book until the new year, OR cram as much social activity into the month as I possibly can, in order to make the time go faster with really! fun! things! So I do a little bit of both- either hermit it up or party it up, with not a lot of middle ground.

So, here it is, December 1st, and I am feeling the blahs about the whole thing already. On the first day! Usually I can get it up for the first week or two.

In an attempt to get rid of the December Phooeys, here's a list of things I like about December. Let's see how many I can do.

1. Hallmark Channel Countdown to Christmas. Oh yes. Horrible made-for-tv Christmas movies! I looked on the website and counted up the offerings and the month of December will offer up fifty one different movies in this stoopid genre. Fifty one! And YES I COUNTED. That's like eating nothing but Cheetos for 25 days straight. And you know what I say? BRING IT. Saturate me in melted holiday cheese.

2. Days off. I have never taken extra days off of work in December, ever. I guess that's weird, but only a limited number of people can have time off at one time in Libraryland, and so why would I take up that time if I don't really care that it's Christmas, when other people really do care and could use the time? So, no extra days off for me, but! my regular work calendar has come out in such a way as to have three day weekends three whole times this month. So that's rad.

3. Gaudy holiday lights on people's houses. A twinkling light here and there, eh, ok. But the rare household that goes all out, Griswold style, with eye-popping displays with moving parts and stuff? LOVE IT.

4. People getting dressed up. I am a person who gets dressed up at every opportunity- I think I was born in the wrong era when it comes to clothes. December is a dressy time overall, it seems to me. Christmas plays, the Nutcracker, holiday parties and New Year bashes, people get gussied up. That makes me happy.

5. Not traveling. This one should actually be #1 on the list, it makes me so happy. When I was a student, I always got my ass on a plane every December because that was when Christmas break was, and so it was the most convenient time to see the fam. Visiting the fam was fun, but the travelling part? HELL ON EARTH. When I was no longer a student and not tied to an academic schedule of any kind, a sort of moment of serenity came over me where angels came from the heavens and said "You don't have to travel during the holidays any longer! You can orchestrate your life to travel whenever you choose!" From then on, I made a policy- a POLICY- out of not traveling during Thanksgiving weekend or the last two weeks of December. And now when I hear all my stressed out friends talking about travel horror stories, and see people pulling out their hair as they torture themselves with holiday travel season, I sing an inner carol of thankfulness called "I ain't doing that! I ain't doing that!" It's only in my head, but it's a joyful noise.

That's all I got. Five things may not seem like a lot, but for me, in December, it's getting me through.

What's your all-time favorite thing about December?

A Beautiful Day for a Neighbor

The snow is all gone now and so my city has gone back to its regularly scheduled soggy drip. Somehow, rain seems colder than snow. It's just so...damp and clammy.


The rest of the holiday weekend was pretty much taken up by full on joyful hysteria over the fact that Biogirl is moving to a house within shouting distance of my house, right on my street, right there, OMG, right there! This got me thinking about relationships in my life that were made even more awesome by geographic proximity. Dudes, I feel a hearken coming on! I am about to hearken back! And listing is also imminent! Listing and hearkening: commencing!

1. My sister and I shared a bedroom when I was a kid, up until she left for college when I was 10. My sister was, by far, the most important person in my life for my entire childhood and our sharing a room made my worship of her that much stronger. Lying in our beds, listening to The Clash on her super cool record player, away from my stinky brothers: heaven. She probably hated having me there during her teen years, but I'm so glad that we had to share a room. All the better to try to make myself into a mini-me of her coolness. I think I am still probably doing that to this day.

2. After my sister left, I got a new roomie, at least part time: my cousin. My uncle often would work the night shift at the car factory, so my aunt and cousin would come spend the night at our house a lot. I graduated to my sister's bed, and my cousin would sleep in my old bed. It was like a total switcheroo- the age difference between us was the same as it was between me and my sister. Now I got to be the (sort of) cool older one. I remember, when she was about 5 years old, she would have nightmares and come wake me up to come sleep in my bed with me. Having her scared little self huddled up with me made me feel a protectiveness that I had never felt before. I still feel that way about her.

3. Allison lived in my neighborhood from the time we were like three or four. I have walked my ass to her mom's house so many times in the past 3 decades that I'm surprised the pavement isn't worn out between her mom's and mine. The thing I remember about her living there was that she was so damn accessible. Sleepovers were easy, getting to school together and back was cake. I remember having a crush on this unattainable dude (who was in a band! who rode a motorcycle! who was 24!) our senior year in high school, and the afternoon when I actually somehow managed to make out with him? I ran to her house immediately to tell her. I could have called her, or another friend, but she was right there to OHMYGODDDDD in person. There are still times even now where something big will happen to me and my first impulse is to want to run out the door and somehow get to Alli's house.

4. I had many roommates growing up when I went to the various dance schools I went to, but my favorite friends were Kim and Marcy. The three of us lived on the same floor of our dorm, and we were inseparable. I was 13 years old at the time, and living by myself in New York City ("NEW YORK CITY!? GET A ROPE!" Sorry, I just have to say that) but was in classes with older girls who were 16 and 17. Kim and Marcy took me under their wing and, well, ok, they exposed me to shit that I probably shouldn't have been exposed to, but dang, I loved those girls. They talked about s-e-x at a time when I was still calling it s-e-x. They were always very conscious of the fact that I was a kid- they all smoked and swore and had clandestine meetups with boys, but would never had allowed me to try any of it. They rocked.

5. The first colleg roommate I had was Liz, who at first glance had nothing in common with me. She was shy and dignified, I was loud and um, if anyone ever called me dignified when I was 18 I'll be a junkie's uncle. She came to school with a pink flowered bedspread with matching ruffled pillows and my sheets had Snoopy as the Red Baron on them (hello 18-year-old-me, you are trying too hard to be ironic). Liz turned out to have a silly sense of humor and we spent many a night laughing until we were literally on the floor. Her friends were not people I hung out with, and mine weren't her favorite either, and I often think about how, had we not been roommates, we would never have gotten so close.

6. My other notable college roommate was Nan. Nan was around during some of the bumpiest days of my life and was pretty much the reason I made it through.

7. My big bro. Read about when he took me in. Pretty good guy, that one.

8. I lived with a couple of dudes before shacking up with Nordic Boy. Meh, not so awesome. Let's just call those learning experiences. Or just dumb. Either one.

9. I moved in with Nordic Boy, who is the first roomie I have encountered that understands the importance of singalongs and making up silly dances in a roommate relationship.

10. Before I went to grad school, I knew Neighbor J sort of, just through a mutual friend. We went to a party at her place- a duplex of super cute proportions. "If the unit next door ever becomes available, let us know," I said. And like a month later, it did. This led to the defining neighborly relationship of my life. Neighbor J and I fell in friendship love like nobody's business. We would carry on conversations through the wall, and we would eat dinner together every summer night in our backyard, and we would have afternoon tea times, and just do every last thing together. It really was one of the best times in my life.

11. Delium is not really my neighbor- he lives one neighborhood away from me, but the fact that he and I went to college together in a teeny tiny Michigan town and all these years later we both live across the country within one mile of each other, and we didn't even do that on purpose, is pretty weird. But great.

12. The Soggy Librarian and I were work friends for a little while. Well, more like work acquaintances that were friendly. I always sort of had a friendcrush on her, but we never really did anything outside of work. One day, we were at a meeting, and she told me that she had bought a house on my street. I remember, in that moment, having a sort of Wayne Campbell thing happen where I thought "You will be my friend now. Oh yes. You will be my friend." Creepy? Ok fine. But I was right.

And now, Biogirl. We have been through thick and thin together, the two of us, but one thing we have never done is to be neighbors. Until now. Yippee!

Full of hot air

Man, that last post was entirely too cohesive. Who the hell do I think I am? Now, back to my regularly scheduled randomosity. In list form. All disjointed-like.


1. The weather for the last few days has been gorg-wah. Is there an emoticon for pursing all your fingers together and then kissing them into the air? Because, mwah! It has been clear skies, warm (this week saw 70 degrees), with a lovely breeze that blows all the autumn leaves around. The other day, Nordic Boy and I took a long walk and went through a park off the beaten path. For some reason, there was no one there, which is a rarity on a lovely day in the city. We kicked leaves around. The awesome weather is over now, but man, it was nice while it lasted.

2. My sister sent me photos of her kids on Halloween. My niece, who is almost-thirteen, has gone into a phase where she just wants to dress weird for Halloween. No character, no theme. Just get a bunch of crazy clothes and a crazy wig. I had sort of forgotten this, but I had a phase like that too. All of a sudden I didn't care to be a witch or even something esoteric and clever. I just wanted to get my weird on. It wasn't because I was a conservative/timid dresser and Halloween was an excuse to experiment with weird. I actually dressed pretty, um, expressively anyway. Same with my niece. I went through that phase right at the same age as she is now. This makes me wonder if there is some sort of cognitive developmental thing going on, where kids that age are thinking more abstractly or something. Or maybe it's just my niece and I, and true weirdness in our family DNA kicks in at age 12. On Halloween.

3. I went out for a happy hour dinner with K8 the other night and we had hush puppies. I know hush puppies are big in the south, and in the midwest they make an appearance here and there, but in the Pacific Northwest? NEVER. Really, I never see them. So she and I were kind of overly excited about the hush puppies. Ok, well, maybe just me.

4. Speaking of puppies, when I am referring to a bunch of things, I always say "those puppies." As in "zombie movies? Those puppies are scary." Nordic Boy, on the other hand, always says "those bad boys." As in "our new gutters? Those bad boys keep out the leaves!" I never say those bad boys. He never says those puppies. I am convinced that there will come a day when one of us has to cross over to the other side, and whoever holds out longest wins.

5. Last night Nordic Boy and I went out to dinner, and our friends Tanya and Alan were going to join us for dessert. When we got there, the restaurant gave us a table for 4, even though we would be 2 for the first couple of hours. So...we were That Couple who sat next to each other for dinner, rather than across the table from each other. I decided that I was going to order a puff-pastry mushroom thingy, and he decided to get mashed-potato-stuffed tacos. And then, at the last second, he ordered the mushroom thing too! I felt betrayed to be copied in such a fashion. The result was that not only were we the Sitting Next to Each Other Couple, we were also the Order The Same Thing Couple, all in one.

6. As we ate, we eavesdropped a little on the table in our sightline (come on, everyone does that, right?). It was an older lady who looked like Margaret Thatcher, pearls and big hair and all. We giggled a bit as she opened her mouth and an English accent came out (was it Margaret Thatcher?). She said to the waiter "My dear, DO tell the chef that the chocolate tartlet was DIVINE." Our chuckles at this ceased immediately as we then witnessed her lean to the side and let out a long, squeaky tootie from her booty. Seriously, our forks stopped in mid-air as we tried to process what we had just seen in the fancy restaurant. I understand that sometimes people might let a toot fly unintentionally, but the LEAN TO THE SIDE to let it free? My dear, DO tell the lady that the one-cheek-sneak was not DIVINE.

7. I can't bear to leave you with that image. How about this? I visited with The Soggy Librarian yesterday and her offspring (who I am unabashedly in love with and can't seem to stop buying clothes for) barfed all over me. And I loved every minute of it.

The shirt? From Auntie Me.

Consumables #18

Thank you so much for all the sweetness and light that you commented and emailed me yesterday and today. Each and every one of those things made me smile, laugh, or chortle. I love a good chortle.


And now, just so that I have to do some of the work too, I shall list out some more awesomeness in my life at the present time. And also combine it with my weekly consumables.

1. I went to visit my friends in the hospital the other day. They just had a baby and the baby is premature so they have been staying in the hospital for the past almost-three weeks, trying to get the little guy strong enough to come home. They are doing well, and they may get to all three go home in the next few days. They are handling the whole thing remarkably well and I am in awe of them. That kid has got some great parents right out of the gate.

2. I watched Elegy the other night. Now why would I watch a depressing movie about fucked up lonely people when I was feeling glum? I don't know what it is about me, but I love stories about fucked up lonely people. I am neither lonely nor fucked up (well, relatively un-fucked up. Maybe. I don't know), but yet I feel kinship with those people.

3. I also watched This Movie Is Not Yet Rated. Jack Valenti reminds me of Lorne Greene. And Lorne Greene, rather than reminding me of the original Battlestar Galactica, or Bonanza, makes me think of Alpo. Which is sort of a sad thing, really. That's the insightful thing I have to say about that movie.

4. I always forget to mention books in my Consumables posts. What kind of librarian am I, anyway? First I don't wear sweater sets and now this. Sheesh. This week I read a book called The Rebellion of Jane Clarke. It's historical fiction, set in the era leading up to the Revolutionary War, and it was quite good I thought. The mention of Sam Adams just makes me think of beer though. First Lorne Greene and now Sam Adams. Damn you, Don Drapers of the world.

5. Last night, there was a very pretty moon out. It was low in the sky, and silvery, and there were wisps of clouds that kept passing in front of it like gray ribbons. Nordic Boy and I opened up our living room window and sat on the couch and looked at it for a while. Our conversation went like this.

Me: There's this book called Life as We Knew It, and it's about this girl who is living a normal life with her family when a meteor hits the moon and knocks it off its axis, which causes the Earth to go kind of haywire because gravity gets thrown off, and most of the population dies off.
Him: You sure know how to make a moment really romantic, you know.
Me: There are earthquakes, tsunamis, the whole thing. And she has to learn how to survive in this new reality that's created by this event. It was a really good book.
Him: Sounds interesting.
Me: It's not real though. It's fiction.
Him: Um. Yeah. Thanks.

"It's not real though. It's fiction." Really, me?

And to think I am paid to talk to people about books.

Spin offs and pop locks

Busy as a motha-eff over here, so listing it shall have to be.

1. Got caught up on Lost episodes over the weekend. Nordic Boy has renamed the series "There's Too Many People in the Fucking Bushes." Which there totally are, right? I think there should be a drinking game where you drink every time someone pops out of the bushes.

2. Also for Lost watchers: don't you love it how the appearance of the smoke monster is always preceded by that maracas sound? So jaunty, that smoke monster.

3. Friends came over for dinner this weekend, and over dinner, we tried to think of tv shows that had the most number of spin-offs that we could think of, as a contest. Nordic Boy and I jointly won the day by coming up with Happy Days, Mork and Mindy, Joanie Loves Chachi, and Laverne and Shirley, which may seem like a no-brainer in hindsight but no one had come up with a quadruple until that point. The room erupted in "AW SNAP!" at our easy win, but then Delium got up and did a celebratory pop-lock in our honor. Because he knows how to show respect, that one.

4. After the contest was exhausted, we looked up lists of spin-offs on the Interwebs and discovered two intriguing titles. "Blansky's Beauties" (an undiscovered Happy Days spin-off) and "Richie Brockelman, Private Eye" (offa Rockford Files). How could shows with names like these have failed? To quote every single contest show sage on tv: America got it wrong, people.

5. Many of my friends are on Match.com, and they all seemed to talk to me about it this weekend, separately. What does it say that most of them talk about it much as you would talk about a visit to the dentist? Painful and tedious, but it just has to be done.

6. There's a restaurant in Seattle called Daniel's Broiler. Ever since St. Patrick's Day, every time we go past it, we sing "Oh Danny BROIL! The steaks, the steaks are cah-alling," to the tune of Danny Boy. We shall see how long this takes to get old to us. I am guessing on a shelf life of five years or so.

7. I get to go to Portland with Nordic Boy for the whole week, starting tomorrow. This is not entertaining to anyone but me. I am holding back a celebratory pop-lock even as I sit here.

Let them eat cake

You ever have those moments where you can't think of a word?

I did. So I asked Nordic Boy if he could remember the word I was describing. He couldn't either. The mystery word was: rice cakes.

While we tried to come up with this very elusive word, we shouted out possibilities. As soon as we said them, we knew that wasn't it, so we kept trying. Here is our list of alternative terms for rice cakes.

Rice pies
Rice patties
Rice cookies
Rice pucks
Rice discs
Rice rounds
Rice biscuits
Rice crisps
Rice puffs
Rice crunches
Ricey Rice Things
Cardboard Hell Snacks
Styrofoam Rice Crap
Compacted Rice
Rice Saucers
Arid Extra Rice
Snap Crackle Dust
Mummified Rice
Rice Jerky

I'm gonna bust a recap on your ass

I totally skipped doing my annual new year meme thingamabob, didn't I? I tried to do it, but it just wasn't hitting me right this year. (And what the hell kind of phrase is that? "Hitting me right"? That just doesn't sound good, when you really think about it).

Instead, I'll just do a brain dump of what things strike me about the year of aught nine. Ready? Ok.

2009 was the year that:

1. ...was just all kinds of seasonal. Usually, Seattle is not known for seasonalitism. Rather, we are known for two kinds of sky: either grey or blue. And it's mostly grey that wins. But this year! Seasons! We started out with a jackload of snow and then an outburst of spring, which was followed by a glawrious summer wherein I wore skirts and bare legs to my heart's content for weeks and weeks and weeks on end and rediscovered the joy that is popsicles. This was followed by a particularly pretty fall and now we are back to the grey days of yore.

2. ...our house got prettier. Ever since we bought our house, we have been in home improvement land, which is not only a land that Nordic Boy has a passport to live in, but he is also the Prime Minister of. We bought a place that needed a lot of work. A lotta, lotta work, actually. The past two years have been years where we do home improvements that are sexy to Nordic Boy, but not to me. Insulation! New roof! Water drainage! New electrical! New pipes! All things that are totally necessary, to be sure, but not if you are me and you have a decidedly shallow side that needs placating. This year, we got to do some of the stuff that we both love, not just stuff that he loves. What does that mean? That means making things pretty. Oh how I love to make things pretty. And the centerpiece of this prettyfication? OUR NEW COUCH! Besides being pretty, I am a big fan of getting my cozy on, and this couch has revolutionized the cozy. It has the perfect ergonomics for reading (sitting or horizontal), chatting with pals, watching a movie, making out, and the napping on this couch should just be illegal, it is so delicious. Plus it is so, so pretty.

3. ...we got our new dual flush toilet so that when we do a crapsie, we can have flushing OPTIONS. Because there are so many choices in life, why not with flushing?

4. ...Alli spent literally an entire day looking for a plane ticket to come and visit me and Map's husband surprised her with a plane ticket to join in. The effort Alli and Map put in for little old me made me feel loved and thankful for my awesome friends.

5. ...a friend passed away in the saddest way I can think of. I still can't quite wrap my mind around it completely.

6. ...I spent a fun few days at Alli and Chris' house where they drove us around the entirety of Chicago with no questions asked and made Nordic Boy and me laugh until our guts ached. I love those two.

7. ...I met blog friends for the first time and they were all more awesome than I could have hoped for. I mean, really, I was just hoping that they didn't smell bad or want to kill me or anything like that, and then they went and showed me up by being way cooler than I could have wished for.

8. ...my friend Hopscotch got knocked up and made me squeal with the excitement of it while I was at work. And I am not even a squealy type girl. But for her? Squeeeee!

9. ...I went to see lots of plays and ballets and dance shows. Thank you, job, for allowing me the cashola to do that.

10. ...I sang karaoke and scared my friends with my, um, enthusiasm.

11. ...we inaugurated a Vulcan fly-swatter as President of the You Nighted States.

12. ... I met the newly-born H and J's baby girl who is just a cutey and a half.

13. ... I shopped once again for a winter coat and rain appropriate shoes. FAIL.

14. ... I saw my BFF take a shit sandwich and turn it into a cherry pie. It's amazing to watch someone just be happier, and funnier, and more awesome by the minute. And she did that. And I got to see it.

15. ...I leapt into the 21st century via owning an iPhone. And eating pancakes out of a spray can.

Overall, I think that 2009 sucked for a lot of people. For me, it was a pretty good year. I had some work pressure, and some extended-family-type pressure, and some other various pressures, but I managed to not sweat it too much. I mean, I did sweat it some, but just the appropriate amount of sweatage. I then got back to more important things like doing silly dances and making up crazy songs, hanging out with my homies who always treat me with kindness, and hugging on my loverman until his eyes bug out. Priorities, dontcha know.

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope your 2009 didn't hurt too much and that 2010 kisses you right on the mouth.

More random nonsense

I think I got this from the Soggy Librarian, aka Hopscotch. You should do it too. Double Dog Dare you.

1. Who was your first prom date?

I took a very serious political stand against prom when I was in school. Hey, some people took down apartheid. My issue was prom. You think I am kidding, but I am not. That is a story for another time.

2. Do you still talk to your first love?

Yes, about once a year. Haven't seen him since high school so I still picture him as a 17 year old and I sometimes embarrassedly think about what a good kisser he was. Don't tell him I said that because the mortification would strike me dead.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink?

A Segram's Wine Cooler in some ridiculous berry flavor. It was red as I recall. Basically it was spiked Kool-Aid. And I drank a bunch of them and got loopy, and then went out dancing in a club and felt so grown up because I was underage. What a klassy young lady I was.

4. What was your first job?

Making people deceased, and not by killing them or anything.

5. What was your first car?

Although it technically wasn't "mine" per se (did I just say per se?), I drove my mom's little red Mazda 323 around my home town like crazy when I was 16. I thought that was so STYLIN' back then. I also had this little bendy mod doll hanging on the rearview mirror. She had the head of Julie Newmar and the body of Gumby. My virginal, sex-obsessed friend Jason would contort poor Gumby Newmar into Kama Sutra-esque positions when I wasn't looking and then leave her like that and if I wasn't paying attention she would stay like that and then my mom would see it.

6. Who was the first person to text you today?

Nordic Boy.

7. Who is the first person you thought of this morning?
Nordic Boy, since he was right there. Although I did have a dream last night where Simon Doonan came into the library and told me that our summer reading display was hideous. So that sort of counts.

8. Who was your first grade teacher?

Mrs. Czap. Pronounced ZAP. How friggin' awesome is that? I just want to keep saying it. Mrs. CZAP. It's like a superhero name. Although pronouncing it "Ka-zap" is also quite nice. Nordic Boy had an elementary school teacher named Mrs. Knipple. And it was actually pronounced "Ka-nipple." Now there's something you don't hear every day.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
When I was a year and a half, I went back to Fiji with the fam. My parents got on a plane, for a trip which was in those days about 48 hours long, with four small children. God bless 'em.

10. Who was your first best friend, and are you still friends with him/her?
My first best friend was Malin, who I was friends with when I was in the first few days of our lives because our parents were friends. So it was like an arranged friend marriage in that our parents put us together. Luckily, we adored each other and went on many little kid adventures together all the way through middle school when she moved away. I am still friends with her, in that Facebook sort of way. She still rocks.

11. What was your first sport played?
I never really played sports since I was in ballet every single minute of my life from age 4 until adulthood. I used to be such a wuss in gym class too. I was that person that never took anything seriously (surprised?) and so my gym teachers didn't like that too much, because, you know, I was having too much FUN. How ridiculous of me.

12. Where was your first sleepover?
I can't possibly remember my first one, since me and my friends were crashing at each other's houses all the time. People were always staying for dinner and staying over and I was always doing the same. I have a feeling people don't do that any more, because parents seem way more controlling now. I get why, but still it's sad to me.

13. Who was the first person you talked to today?
Simon Doonan. I am going to go with saying Simon Doonan. Although he did most of the talking.

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
You know that saying "always a bridesmaid, never a bride?" My saying is "Never a bride, nor a bridesmaid." This is one of those things that people can NOT imagine to be true, as almost every one of my friends has bridesmaid-ed a jillion times. Part of it is that many of my friends are unconventional girlies who don't really do the whole wedding thing, or if they do then they don't do it with a lot of tradition. Of the people who are more traditional, they have just never asked me. Sometimes I secretly wonder if it's because they think that I think weddings are dumb or something, which I don't. Just because I don't want one doesn't mean I wouldn't don some seafoam taffeta get up for a homegirl. But no one has asked me. Boo hoo.

15. What was the first thing you did this morning?

Looked out the window to make sure it was sunny. It is not. It is thunderstorming and hailing. I was TOLD that it would be sunny today. I was TOLD. I was also told I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
Chronology is difficult for me to remember on this one. I went with my parents to see Dizzy Gillespie. I also went to a Neil Young concert with my brother when I was in elementary school. So one of those. I can't remember which was first.

17. What was your first tattoo or piercing?
This is a whole other story for another time, but my first attempt at getting my ears pierced was HORRIFYING.

18. What was the first foreign country you went to?
It feels weird to say Fiji, since that doesn't seem "foreign" to me. So I will say Canada. Now that shit is foreign. They put gravy on FRIES, people.

19. What was your first run-in with the law?
The po-po was always on our ass back in the day. Breaking up friends' parties, pulling my family over in our car, all that stuff. One time police came up my parents driveway and pulled their guns on them as they were getting out of their car in their own damn garage for some fuck-all reason, and if you ever saw my two teeny little innocent parents that would seem even more racist than you might even want to believe. I still have to fight off a deep seated fear of cops sometimes, but mostly I am over it. It really helped me when Alli's brother became a cop because then I knew a good cop. I realize there's lots of great po-po out there so please don't send me hate mail. I'm just talking about how I grewed up thinking. And that I can't remember my first run-in with the law as I feel like they were everywhere even though there was no law-breaking going on in my vicinity.

20. When was your first detention?
I got in a lot of trouble in high school, but I rarely got caught. For this reason, I was often the person that all my friends would "send in" when something untoward needed to happen.

21. What was the first state you lived in?
Michigan, baby, born and raised, in the playground was where I spent most of my days.

22. Who was the first person to break your heart?
Little kid style, it was probably Mike, the menage-a-hand-holder. Goddamn hand whore.

23. Who was your first roommate?
My sister and I shared a bedroom, where she had a flouncy canopy bed with a grape pattern all over it, and i had a mattress and box spring on the floor. I'm just saying. My first non-family roomie was Rebecca at dance school when I was 12. Rebecca looked and acted (in my worldly 12 year old opinion) like she was 10. I hung out with her older sister the whole time I was at that school, who was 15. This was my m.o. back then. I always had older friends in dance school and learned many things I shouldn't have from them. Dang I loved those guys.

24. Where did you go on your first limo ride?
My first limo ride was to my graduation ceremony and we were so friggin' excited about it we could have DIED.

On a totally unrelated note, it hailed on our house in the middle of the night last night. It was loud, especially because it was hitting the tarp that is covering our roof right now. It woke both of us up with a jolt.

Me: Is that hail?
Nordic Boy: HAIL NO!

We both fell immediately back to sleep. This morning? I keep thinking about that and cracking up. That he would yell out HAIL NO and we would just go back to the Sandman like that. We are so weird. Well, technically, he is so weird. I just get to bear witness.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Young 97s

I saw this book in the library where I work. It's called 97 Things To Do Before You Finish High School.

It got me thinking. How had I spent my youth? Did I measure up? Had I done all the things that the new-fangled youth of today are doing? So I went through the list and made a list of my own. What follows is the list of the things in the book that I didn't do before the tender age of 18. Dig if you will the picture of what this says about me.

1. Join a club.
I was racking my brain on this one. I wasn't anti-club or anything, but I honest to mergatroid can't think of any club that I ever joined. I was a part of the school thespian society, but that was the biggest bullshit club ever. There were no meetings, and all you had to do was be in a lot of plays and you were in the club. I even held an office in that club. "Scribe." Can someone please hold my hand because the sheer theater geekiness of that title is making me a little faint right now. I never scribed anything for anyone in a thespian-related context so I have no idea what the hell that was about. I remember the day I was "elected" scribe. There were four offices. President, Veep, Scribe and Treasurer. None of these people had any responsibilities at all. It was after rehearsal and our teacher was like "who wants to be thespian president?" and someone would say "ok, me." When he said "scribe" I was like "I'll do that." But that's not really a club, is it? You want to know something else bullshizzy about that club? When I was a senior, we had a graduation awards ceremony, where people got called out for best GPA and Most Volunteer Hours and real shit like that. And, for some reason, my name got called that year and I got a thespian award. Like, it was a little trophy and everything. Why I got one and no one else did I never figured out. Weird.

2. Give technology a break
There weren't cell phones or email or PDAs when I was in high school and I was the last kid on earth to even get a VCR player or an answering machine. My technology consisted of tv-watching and...um...yeah. Just tv watching. And, come to think of it, when we spent summers in Fiji, there was no tv there. So I guess I did have a break from technology. Sort of. Does that count?

3. Host a film festival with your friends.
Really? This is what the kids are doing now? FAN-SWAH.

4. Start or join a book club.
Oopsie, future librarian. I didn't even know that book clubs were a thing to like, DO. I never talked about books with my friends, really. Unless it was to tell them that this one or that one was good. But discussing? Nuh-uh.

5. Sing karaoke.
We didn't know nothing from karaoke. But this one kind of counts because we sang in front of each other all the time. Theater geeks do that, you know.

6. Dine high end on a low budget.
Not unless you count the Olive Garden, which I TOTALLY DO.

7. Record an oral history.
Kids today, I tell ya. They are doing fancy things. I didn't know shit about what an oral history was. Although one of my best friends in high school, Mike, made me a present for graduation. It was a multi-page list of every single inside joke we had with our friends. The list was more than a hundred items strong, and I still have that sucker and I love it. One night, for some reason, Mike and I tape recorded ourselves reading out the list to each other and telling the stories behind why each item was so dang funny. I don't give a monkey ball about possessions usually, but that tape was one of the most important things I ever owned. It was crazy, and funny, and nonsensical, and awesome. I lost it somewhere and I can still make myself get a little misty over the fact that I lost it. Sad. Don't you feel so sad for me? I know, my problems are so yooge. I deserve a telethon. It ain't easy being meezy, baby.

8. Spend quality time with your grandparents.
Never got to do that.

9. Learn a martial art.
Only the fine martial art of cutting others with my eyes.

10. Enter a sports competition.
Nope, but I spent much of my youth in dance auditions, and if you want to show me a more cut-throat event, I would love to see it. Maybe cock-fights?

11. Determine your blood type.
Nope.

12. Detox your body.
That would have gotten in the way of my very serious Cool Ranch Dorito and Faygo consumption.

13. Plant an herb garden.
The thought of me doing this NOW is laughable. As a teen? Whatever.

14. Know your silhouette and colors.
I am starting to doubt the validity of this book. Did they really just say that? Am I being punked?

15. Visit your state capital.
I went to the city, but never the actual building. There is nothing at all entertaining about this one.

16. Take a camping trip.
Still have never done this to this day. No one wants to take me, I think. I have asked numerous camping-type friends to let me tag along and no one has ever helped a girl out. What does this say about me that my friends are too scared to take me into the woods with them?

17. Hike to a mountaintop.
We didn't have mountains in the midwest. That's still true, right? Now that they have earthquakes there, who the hell knows.

18. Make a podcast.
Once again I reiterate that I was brought up in the days of yore when we had to do things like order plane tickets over the phone and buy stage makeup because drug store/mall makeup didn't carry brown colors and there was no such thing as a self-service slurpee maker and we played text-based games on our Commodore Vic-20s. So, nope.

19. Keep a scrapbook.
20. Learn to match beats.
Although I did know how to run a sampling machine and a sound board in high school. Do they still even make sampling machines? Or did I basically just say that I know how to work a Victrola?

21. Create a comic strip.
No way. The closest I came was I created a storyboard once for a film class. Sort of the same? Kind of? A little? Ok not really.

22. Paint your room.
23. Write your own manifesto.
Kids are writing their own manifestos these days? NUTS.

24. Contribute to community beautification.
Please. I mowed my parents lawn until I wanted to DIE. That was all I could take.

25. Visit your local officials.
If by this you mean my local McDonald's drive-through officials.

26. Write an op-ed.
Dang, I missed out on that one. I had very strong opinions about Betty versus Veronica.

27. Understand the stock market.
My economics class in high school was an effing joke. As were most of my classes.

28. Learn basic car maintenance.
I still need to get around to that.

29. Learn CPR.
Yeah, that one too. What the hell have I been doing with my life?

30. Ride a horse.
I had never even seen a real horse except but once in 6th grade camp.

31. Bury a time capsule.
What was I going to put in there? My acid washed jeans and my autographed photo of Soupy Sales?

That's it. Out of 97 items, I didn't do a third of them before finishing high school. A FULL THIRD. A sampling of the ones I DID do, however, are: throw a house party, learn about safe sex, take an art class, make your own halloween costume, and go skinny dipping. You know, all the important ones.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Flint Pong

I'm back, babies!

The plural of baby just doesn't come out right. Like, if I were to say "I'm back, baby!" that sounds alright. But make it babies? Then it just gets weird.

Anyhoo. I am back on the west coast after a foray to the land of my birthing. It was a rad trip. IT WAS A RAD TRIP, OK?

I'm feeling a little defensive about my trip, as I always do when I go home. Let me let you in on a little something. When I talk about my hometown, people dole out the sympathy. Like it is a town that is worth the same as a dirty tick on the ass of a dirty rat. I HATE THAT. If you want to make me a little teed off, say something to me about how assy my hometown is and then make a face like you are smelling something bad when you say it. I AM SO SORRY THAT MY TOWN DOESN'T HAVE BILL GATES AND RIDE THE DUCKS TOURS AND HIPSTER DOOFUSES ON EVERY LAST STREET CORNER. But lay off. It made me, and I'm pretty cute, right?

I said, RIGHT?

Let's focus on some of the things you might not know about that little place that spawned the crazy black-haired librarian who shoots off at the mouth.

1. Although much of the town looks tired and beat down and busted up, one thing that most people have there is a little patch of yard. Even if your house or trailer or whatevers is saggy, for some reason yards are plentiful. It's the kind of thing that makes you want to lie down in it and roll around. Which is just what I did.









View from mid-roll

2. There's also a lovely destination I like to call I'll Be the Banana For That Hammock, Indeed.








I don't really call it that but I totally could.

3. From which place you can be treated to a view such as this.









And the birdies have never pooped on me once.

4. But get in line because your gentleman friend might hog the snooze bag.









That friggin' Nordic Boy.

5. And you can run through apple orchards that used to scare the jeebus out of you when you were a kid because that's where you'd play Bloody Murder at dusk.









You still couldn't pay me to go in there at night.

See, it looks nice, don't it? It's not all drab gray factories and such like. My town my have eyesores aplenty, but it also has my parents' house. And my parents' house, as you can see from the hammock and grassy photolio, is a getaway to end all getaways. They have always had a heapin' help of hospitality for my whole life, but ever since they had grandkids? It's like a freakin' wonderland of recreational goodness. You've got the picturesque yard with lots of space for running amok, a cool front porch for watching the passersby while sipping a tonic, a crackling fireplace for late night hot chocolate consumption, a basement room with a dart board, a foosball table, and a ping pong table, every board game known to the free world, croquet, lawn bowling, a library room chock full of any kind of book you would care to read, and two refrigerators crammed to the gills with delicious sweets and savories, mostly made with organic ingredients grown in their own goddamn garden.

If I woulda told you that paradise was in Flint, Michigan, you never would have believed me, would you?

Well, maybe it's not your idea of paradise, but it sure as hell is mine.

My favorite cousin and one of my top all time favorite people in the world, Sweetie Pie, came to visit while we were there. Sweetie Pie and I grew up together and I love her to little shiny pieces more than I can really say. When she and I get together, the fun just keeps on coming. And over the years, she and Nordic Boy have gotten ever more sisterly/brotherly towards each other too, which rocks my socks. This time around, the two of them decided to play a friendly game of ping pong.

Before long? It was the most out of control slam fest you have ever seen in your life. Have you ever seen professional ping pong players? You know how they slam the hell out of that little white ball with all the force they can muster? That was Sweetie Pie and Nordic Boy. They were running around the room. As they were playing. I so wish I had a video to show you. It was like they had found their very own kindred ping pong spirit in each other. I have never seen anything like it. It wasn't competetive- they weren't even keeping score. They were just playing ping pong like it was the last day on earth and the minute they stopped playing the core of the planet was going to blow up. It was INTENSE.


It started out normal.





Then they started running after the ball and hitting it back over their shoulders while not even looking.




You know how it all ended? By Sweetie Pie volleying a ball across the table from the back of the room (they weren't even really taking the actual table into account any more) and Nordic Boy diving for it, across the table, and COLLAPSING THE ENTIRE TABLE.

You know how Mary Catherine Gallagher would always fall into tables? It was JUST LIKE THAT. The table was FLATTENED!

Nordic Boy even sliced his arm open. Oh yes. There was PING PONG INJURIOUSNESS.

How hard core is that???

We managed to fix the table, which was almost just like new. Sort of. Kind of.


Let's not mention this to mom and dad, ok guys?







I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Ebony and Ivory

When I was a child, I took piano lessons. They took place at my piano teacher Mrs. Mackelbee's house, and I frickin' hated it with a passion that was unparalleled. Once a week, I would trudge over there, and she would open her front door, wearing her navy blue Keds with white laces and her Mike Brady perm, and she would let me into her house to learn a tune or two. She had this whacked out, slobbery dog that would bare its teeth at me menacingly and race toward me like I was a gigantic sirloin steak, and she would say "oops!" and catch the dog just in time and drag him into another room while it gnashed its jaws at me. She never put the dog into another room before I got there. They did this every week, the dog and her, like some fucked up mind game that would somehow prep my mind and hands to play the goddamn scales out of the Finger Power songbook.

When I started piano lessons, I liked it. I must have been like 5 or 6 when I started. But, somehow, over the years, the seeds of hate were sown. I say "somehow," but actually, I know exactly what my problem was, besides facing Cujo each week. First of all, my sister was taking piano lessons, and she rocked it. And a key part of my life has been dedicated to differentiating myself from my overacheiving siblings. So if one of them rocked something, I was so not even going to go there. I spent enough time being compared to my sister that I never put myself in a position where I would have to directly compete with her, because I knew that in any such competition, I would lose.

But the bigger problem? Was that the more I played the piano, the more that I came to understand that I was so-so at it. Not bad, certainly, but just medium ok. I got myself to a place where I could read music, and move on from "Mary Had a Little Lamb" to "Nadia's Theme" to Moonlight Sonata." I even got myself to the really good stuff like "Careless Whisper" and "Head Over Heels" by Wham and Tears for Fears, respectively. My parents' whole rationale for putting me in piano lessons was that they wanted me to learn how to read music which, they insisted, I would be grateful for later on when I was older. And that is certainly true. I am glad I know how to do that. So Wham songs and music literacy. What more could I have wanted than that?

What I wanted, people, was to be good. Not only good, actually, but GREAT. I wanted accolades, I wanted applause. I wanted my teacher to say that I was such a great student and that she was wowed by my untapped potential.

Mrs. Macklebee never said that. She was a kind lady, and she taught me as best she could, but she wasn't going to lie to me. She gave me a lesson each week and sent me home. Thus, the hatred grew.

I begged my parents to let me quit. And my parents, who were very easy going and usually let things like that be what they are, were kind of ok with me quitting. Until I said these words:
"What's the point? I just SUCK AT THIS."

For some reason, these magic words got me sentenced to many more piano lessons. They kept sending me to Mrs. Macklebee. I begged them, each week, to let me skip. They never let me. I remember the hatred grew so strong, that there was this one time where I was at my piano lesson, playing some stoopid song, and the tears just started rolling down my face in frustration at even BEING there. Mrs. Macklebee didn't say anything. She just let me keep playing. I didn't make a sound, but I was crying my eyes out. When I was done, she silently handed me a tissue and went on with the lesson.

You know what my problem was, people? It seems so obvious to me now. I had learned, from school, that you only do what you are good at. If you suck at something, the best thing to do is to just quit doing that thing. You have to specialize, even as a kid. Not a gifted artist? Put down the drawing pencils and go find something that you excel at. Have an aptitude for soccer? Make sure you quit the swim team then because clearly that is a waste of time.

But you know what happens if you do that? You miss out on lots of things that, although you may not be great at them, you might find fun, you know, just because. You also over-develop the part of you that is goal-oriented, and the part of you that just likes to try stuff for the experience shrivels up and goes away. Third, you may become a person that quits things too early if you don't kick ass right off the bat, and you miss out on finding a talent that needs more time to develop. Didn't Ralph Macchio have to wax on wax off for a good long time before he could do the Crane Kick? What if he had quit at the waxing stage? Crane Kicking would have never happened, that's what.

Eventually, I made my peace with piano lessons. And then my parents let me move on from that to try something new. When we're really little, we don't put ourselves into categories like we do as we grow up. Everyone is an artist, a scientist, an athlete, a brain. But as we grow up, we get these messages that tell us that we need to start letting most of those things go, especially if we're not great at them. We judge ourselves, and then we lose out.

With that thought in mind, I thought I would make a list of things that I do that I 100% suck at, but that I like anyway and will continue to do. With love to my parents who heard me say "I SUCK AT THIS" and knew that I needed a lesson in not judging myself and doing something in order to stretch, even if there was no gold at the end of the journey. And with thanks to Mrs. Macklebee. I really do appreciate that I can still read music and that I can bust out "Careless Whisper" at parties.

I SUCK AT THESE, but who cares? A list.

1. Kickball. I was in a kickball league a couple of summers ago, and it was rad. We lost every single game. By a lot. We could not win. It was fun as hell though.
2. Scrabble. I seriously suck at Scrabble. I have never won a game in my entire life. Ever. I come up with great words like "cat" and "ice." I admit that this embarrasses me somewhat. But I still love to play.
3. Bowling. Me and Barack could totally be on the same team.
4. Painting. My paintings? Would not win any awards. I have no technique whatsoever. Unless "slap some paint on a canvas and call it a day" is a technique.
5. Understanding anything to do with concepts of quantum physics or even time traveling in movies. I can't get enough of those kinds of movies and concepts. I will continue to watch them and want to hear about them, knowing I only understand about 30% of what is going on.

What five things do you suck at that you love to do?

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Hi, Pop Culture Readers! I was really honored when the lovely Pop Culture Librarian invited me to guest blog. But I was also a little bit intimidated. I’ve got a blog of my own, and to be honest with you? It has been kind of sucking lately.

So I wimped out and asked PCL to suggest a topic for me. In a typical PCL display of awesomeness, she sent me a list of six suggestions. I chose Suggested Topic #3:

A List of the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Teen Services Public Libraraining

So, I am a Librarian for the Teenagers in a public library. You probably already know some stuff about this job, being fans of PCL and all, but in case you don’t, a typical workday might include recommending books to patrons, making book lists, posting to a library blog, visiting a school, planning an event, working with teen volunteers, or doing about a million other things. It’s a good job.

But anyway! On to the list!

The Good

1. Teenagers

I love teens. (Not in a dirty way. Don’t be such a perv.) I think people who don’t like teens either don’t know any of them, or only know the ones that they made themselves. I’m sure your own teen is probably a pain in the ass a lot of the time, but other people’s teens are a delight. They’re old enough to have intelligent, reasoned opinions, but young enough that you can still mold their little minds like clay.

And that’s where the library comes in. Mind-warping.

Also, I’m really immature, and I like hanging out with people at my own developmental level.

2. Co-workers/patrons

Librarians and other people who work in libraries are often nerds like me. I like nerds. And overall, I enjoy helping the people who come into the library. Corny but true.

3. Reading, television watching, etc.

I can read teen romances or adventure novels, or even watch Gossip Girl on the CW, and call it professionalizing. Beat that! Plus, as a public librarian, pretty much everything I read or learn could potentially be useful in helping other people find information, which is pretty neat. (If you’re a nerd.)

The Bad

1. Teen Services what?

A lot of people don’t know that my job exists—or if they do, they wonder why. “Teens don’t read!” they say. “Teens deal drugs and harass the elderly! They don’t need their own librarian!” It can be kind of exhausting to have to justify your own existence all the time.

2. Bureaucracy

As in any public service type environment (or maybe, any workplace), there are some people in the library who like nothing better than paperwork—the more, the better! I’m sure they miss the good old days of carbon paper and filling things out in triplicate. They make up for it by sending me twenty emails a day, all marked “Urgent!!!” but never actually containing any information that I could possibly need.

3. The Smell

I work in a big urban library, and my reference desk is near a seating area where people congregate. Lots of these people don’t really have anywhere else to go during the day, and I am 100% behind the library’s mission of intellectual freedom and a creating a welcoming environment for all.
But—and here’s where I start to sound like a Republican and/or a terrible person—when you have a lot of people in the same room who don’t necessarily have daily access to showers, it can lead to a certain . . . aroma. Not a nice one. And sometimes it’s a bit overwhelming.
Don’t hate me.

The Ugly

1. People who yell

Sometimes in the library, people yell at you. You’d think that the mentally ill people would be the problem, but they are usually pretty nice. More often it’s the wealthy, entitled patrons who are outraged that their favorite chair has been moved or something. I try to have a thick skin about it, but it gets depressing.

2. The Politics

This is related to the Bureaucracy, but is a slightly different problem. Basically, in order to get anything done, you have to know who to talk to, and then make them like you, neither of which is necessarily easy.


. . . And there you have it! Only two entries in the “Ugly” column. Don’t you want to be a librarian now?

Batshit Insane

I am really losing it, you guys. Prepare for this blog entry to make no sense. Because I am totally not even coherent right now. Have you ever had a week or two where you feel like you are about five steps behind yourself? Where, the moment you do one task, there are three or four more that spring up, and you feel like you never will catch up, ever? That your life, once an idyllic traipse through the park, has been reduced to a series of checklists that will never stop and that you will never get ahead of?

AAAAAHHHHHHH!

Really. I say again:

AAAAAHHHHHHH!

I know this woman, let's call her Frazzle McDazzle. I don't know her well, and have only been to parties and suchlike where she is also a guest. Frazzle is never at the party for the first half. Somewhere during the party, she will call the host or a party guest to apologize for being so late, but to assure everyone to expect her shortly. Although I am never the one that she would call in this situation, I always imagine that there are traffic noises and chaos in the background of wherever it is she is calling from, and that one may hear the pounding of her feet as she runs down the sidewalk on her way to the party. Eventually, she does show up to the gathering, and she always looks the same. She always bursts in, like Kramer. She is always completely harried, and even somewhat confused, as if she doesn't know quite where she is. Sometimes her glasses are fogged up. Her hair is always messed up, and her coat is often hanging partway off of her shoulders as if she has almost run right out of her clothes. Her clothes are perpetually wrinkled. She often greets people at the party like this: "What? Oh hi." Or maybe like this: "Huh? Nice to see you." She is so Frazzled, she is truly dazzling.

I am turning into Frazzle McDazzle.

Huh? Oh hi.

I am all booked up, people. BACK TO BACK. Something happening ALL THE TIME. From before the sun comes up until half past Super Late. LISTS, EVERYWHERE, LISTS!

How did this happen? I don't know, but it sucks. More than sucks. Su-hucks.

I am totally doing this to myself, I know. People don't get crazy busy like this unless they are doing it to themselves, I get that. Here are some things that make me realize that I have to slow the fuck down.

1. I walked down the street yesterday? And the wind was a-blowin' all crazy like, and it was blowing my hair right across my face. My hair is black. And thick. And if enough of it blows across my face, I can't see a durn thing. I was in such a hurry, I just kept walking. BLIND FOLDED.

2. Last night I got home around 9:30. I wanted to fall right into bed, but I ate a little something and then watched a Battlestar Galactica episode on dvd with Nordic Boy. I love Battlestar Galactica. But in my current state of mind, I couldn't even follow it. That's right, I couldn't follow a tv show. I was this lady:
"Who is that guy?"
"Why are they doing that?"
"How come they're trying to kill him?"
"Wasn't she there before?"

THE WHOLE TIME.

3. As I was running around doing alla my made up task-list shit, I found myself singing this weird song. "Batty batty bat, batty batty bat, batty batty bat! One two thrrree!" I don't know what part of my brain this came out of. When I got to work the next day, I had to look it up. It was this.


Batty bat, indeed.

I'M TOTALLY LOSING IT, PEOPLE.

What? Oh hi.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Conversation-tastic

Things that were said by yours truly within the last few days in front of normal, well-adjusted people. A list.

At a party:
Party goer: So I was thinking about doing this cleanse. It's lemonade, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper.
Me: Oh yeah! Pepa just did that cleanse on her reality show. Salt thought it was stupid. That Salt and Pepa! Always disagreeing.
(stares from party goers)
Me: Sorry. You were saying?

At another party:
Party-goer: Things just aren't the same any more at work.
Me: Yeah, it's like when Leonardo Di Caprio showed up on Growing Pains. It's like Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch. You know it's just never going to be the same.
Party goer #2: Hey, what's up?
Me: We were just talking about Growing Pains.
Party goer #1: And my work situation.
Me: Oh, yeah. And that.

In a car full of people:
Passenger #1: You have to turn left at the yield sign up there.
Me: Yield! Yield before Zod!
(silence)
Me: You know...Superman? Kneel before Zod? Oh never mind.

At another party (yes, I went to a lot of parties this weekend):
Me: So, I'm really glad that our library is moving in that direction.
Co-worker: I'd love to hear more of your opinion on that. Can you explain what you mean?
Me: No, not really. I don't really know what I'm saying right now. I'm just, you know, trying to make conversation.
Her: Oh.

I know. I should really be giving conversation lessons. It's so clearly my calling.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Chop Shop

Ok, brace yourself. I am going to talk about Scott Baio again. Wait! Before you click away from here! Hear me out! I assure you, this post will have relevance. Who knew that Scott Baio would lead to not one, but TWO blog posts? Thanks, Chach. I owe you one, even if you are kind of a hoochie. Or, as you would have us believe, you were a hoochie. Past tense. The artist formerly known as Skankbomb. Whatevers.

So on his show last season, Scott took a long hard look at his friends. Most of them are ok. There's a guy who lets everyone call him "Cooch" which, although he seems like a nice enough fellow, the fact that he would allow this makes me look at him askance. Scott's other best friend is Wayne from the Wonder Years, who I cannot help but think of as "Scrote" because wasn't that what he always used to call Kevin? So yeah. Cooch and Scrote. Kind of an unfortunate pair. But really, they seem ok, despite the names. Then, there's Johnny V. Johnny V. needs to be re-named Johnny V.D. and that's all I have to say about him. So in this episode, Scott decides that he needs to "break up" with Johnny V. It is his most toxic friendship, and so he has to get rid of him. And he does.

Getting out of a bad friendship is hard. Have you ever done it? Have you ever had it done to you? Breaking up with a romantic partner is so much easier. We have social conventions on how to do this. We have words to describe it. We have ways to talk about it. But breaking up with a friend? No one really talks about how to do that, do they?

Well, I'd like to offer you all a way to think about the friendship break up. See, back in my homeland, not only do we have turquoise ocean waters and coconuts falling from the trees, we also value a friend just as much as we value a husband, a wife, a girlfriend or a boyfriend. And when you place that much love and care into these friendships, getting rid of a friend is on the same level as getting a divorce. It's yooge. And when something is yooge, as a concept, you have a name for it. So in the South Sea land where I come from, we call friendship divorce: friendcutting. Friendcutting can be a noun or a verb. "We had a fight and then we had a friendcut." "She totally friendcutted me!" "I'm going to friendcut him for that." Friendcut. It's the perfect word for when you have to say that the bonds of friendship are done broke.

I have taken this concept of friendcutting and I have added some terms of my own. Because there is more than one way to get the Cut.

1. You can get the Chop. This is a severe form of Friendcutting, where the Cutter tells the Cuttee that it is over. Balls out. It's when someone tells you in no uncertain terms that you suck as a friend and that it is over. Pros: There's no confusion. Everyone knows where you stand. Cons: It's way harsh.

2. The FriendSlice. This is when you tell the person straight out that you don't want to be their friend any more, but you try to be nice about it. It's kind of like the "it's not you, it's me" method of break ups. It's like "I'm glad we had our time together as friends, but it's just not working for me any more. Still love you." Pros: You can kick someone out of your life without having to feel like as much of an ass. Cons: It can be kind of passive aggressive. "I don't like you any more. Now let's hug it out."

3. The Cold Cut. This is when you just totally freeze someone out and don't give them any indication that you were even friends in the first place. It's all "who are you again? I don't believe we've met." Pros: It's over and no one has to ever speak of it again. Cons: Ice, ice baby.

4. Indirect drift. This is when you just drift away from someone, not even intentionally. Time passes, you don't do a good job of keeping up with that person. You feel kind of bad about it, but let's face it, if you felt REALLY bad about it you would do something about it. So away you drift, and they drift, until you can't see each other across the miles. Pros: No confrontation! And you don't have to feel like the bad guy. Cons: You'll probably feel guilt, because you've fooled yourself into thinking that you didn't mean for this to happen. Will you try and change it though? Prolly not.

5. Directed Drift. This is when you intentionally drift away from someone in a pre-meditated manner. The exact same thing as #4 up there, except you totally mean to do it. Oops, forgot to return that call. Huh? What? Your friend stopped by? I'll get back to them another time...or not. Oh, there they are, across the grocery store...I'll just pretend that I didn't see them. They'll never know. Pros: Again, no confrontation necessary. Cons: If the other person doesn't take the hint, this can be a long, drawn out process.

6. Statue of Liberty Non-Cuts. This is for you folks out there who have no boundaries whatsoever and will take on just about anyone as a friend and keep them no matter what. Bring me your tired, your hungry, your annoying masses, yearning to breathe in the air of clingy friendship, even though I hate you I will endure being around you, just because. Pros: You'll never be at a loss for company, as you will accept anyone. Cons: No standards friendship is a dangerous, soul-sucking thing. It's akin to the loveless marriage.

7. Chop Chop Salad: This is when you keep trying to break up with a friend, but they keep coming back and you keep trying to make it work. The cycle of breaking up and getting back together makes the chopping happen over and over until your life is like a shredded up salad. This usually has an endgame of someone finally doing a successful chop and puking out the friendship like a big old Salad Shooter. Pros: You can keep the hope alive for a little while, and who knows? You could save the friendship. Cons: Did I mention that one or both of you ends up shredded in this situation? It's brutal.

8. The Friendship Whittle: This is when you don't actual cut someone out, but you re-configure the friendship to make it better. You mold something nice out of something dysfunctional. You work it out. You make a piece of wood into a nice tobaccy pipe.

Really, the Art of the Friendcut is multifaceted, much like the breaking off of a romantic relationship. But I am a firm believer that sometimes, this has to be done. And having a name for it is the first step in making it easier to think about. So that's my present to you.
I have to admit to you that I have done every single one of the above Friendcutting techniques. Some of these I am proud of (like the FriendSlice and the Whittle) and others I am not (like the Cold Cut).

And you know what else? If you feel like you made a FriendCut in error, you can attempt to woo your friend back to you. Repair the damage. I call this The Friendship Suture. It is, out of everything that I have outlined here, the most delicate and difficult to do. I can only think of two times where I have successfully Sutured.

Next time you have a dysfunctional friendship, consider your options. There is a way out.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl