Twins and Winds

Ok, I know what I said about telling you about my dreams and how I would try and stop myself from telling you all about ridiculous, uninteresting mind-burps like how it was snowing poker chips or how I was running through a field of post-it notes. But sometimes, I have these really crazy pop culture dreams that I think you may actually find interesting, and I then have to break my promise to you and tell you all about it. Because I am fickle and untrustworthy that way, ya'll. Sorry. So like, last night? I had a dream with the Olsen twins in it. Except there weren't just two of them. There were sets of two, at all different ages. So there was a set of them that were toddlers, and two of them that were the straight-to-home-video ten-year-olds. There was a set that were pre-teen, from the Two of a Kind days, and a set that were teenagers that starred in that show with that guy who played Gwillem on Hope and Gloria. Finally, there was the current Mary Kate and Ashley, with their garbage bag style dresses and ratty hair. They all lived together in a house, and I was a guest at this house, and there was barely enough room to contain all of the twinnage. In my dream, I remember cracking this joke: "wow, you guys really have a FULL HOUSE here, don't you?" See, even when I am unconscious, I churn out the side-splitters.

Speaking of side splitters, Neighbor J sent me a photo the other day that cracked my shit UP. Let me set the scene for you. A few summers ago, a bunch of us rented a beach house on the Oregon coast to max and relax. We've done this a few times over the years, and it's always the highlight of the year. One day, we all woke up and walked down to the beach, only to find that the winds had severely picked up. It was more than gusts-- it was a consistent, constant wind of the sort that makes you have to lean into it to walk. I would say the wind was at least 30 miles an hour. I'm not kidding. You guys know how I feel about being cold. I am in a constant state of shivering me timbers if it's anywhere under 68 degrees. Neighbor J is the same way. So the two of us? Not happy with the wind. But Jenny and Neighbor B were going windsurfing and we wanted to stay and watch. So we gathered up our beach towels and wrapped ourselves in them like two big beach burritos. It was not pretty, and for once in my life, I didn't care one whit about how it looked. I was COLD. In the middle of this, Neighbor J snapped a photo of me, Nordic Boy, and Biology Girl. And this photo has gone down in history as one of the most mysterious images in both Neighbor J's and my personal collections. Because Biology Girl and Nordic Boy? They look like they are standing in the middle of a perfectly mild, sunny day. Biology Girl even has a HAT on. How the HELL she managed to keep a hat on her head in the middle of that windstorm is a subject of speculation between Neighbor J and me to this day. Did she have a piece of duct tape on her head? And Nordic Boy. Sure, his hair is messed up, but other than that, he looks perfectly comfortable. He doesn't look wind whipped. He's downright BASKING. All of this makes what I am doing look even more insane. The caption of this photo may as well be "Joe, Mary, and crazy Aunt Harriet." Because I look like I've been let free from the loony bin for the day. But HONESTLY. We were in a WINDSTORM. With my left hand, I was holding on to that empty folding chair so it wouldn't fly down the beach. You believe me, right? Right????



Remember Jane and Blanche in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" Yeah, that's me. Joan Crawford as Blanche, in hot blankets.

Kiss the rings, I'm out.
Librarian Girl