You So Naaaaasty

I got an obscene phone call at the reference desk today. Ob-siggedy-scene. I just have to tell y'all about it because it was weird. I mean, calling someone to say something nasty to them is already a behavior that gets you oddball status. But even for a nasty dude, this guy was strange. I don't know. Maybe I'm just imagining that there are rules of engagement when it comes to dirty calls, but what do I know. To me, if your objective is to call someone and shock them with the lewd-n'-crude, then let's go. Let's do this. Cut to the chase already. Over the course of my life I've gotten the unwanted dirty call or two (as opposed to the wanted dirty call, which is totally different, obviously) and usually they just let it rip. They're ready with their dirrty lines and they go ahead with it. Not this guy.

First of all, he called during a particularly busy moment, so my colleague had to put him on hold. And we didn't get back to him for maybe 5-10 minutes. So weird thing #1: this ODB sat there and waited patiently, listening to the piped in easy listening music. His K.Y. was probably in need of replenishing by the time I finally picked up the phone. So here's how it went. I just need to break this down, people. Share the joy, won't you?

Me: Thanks for waiting, how may I help you?

ODB: (Enthusiastically) Hello! It was no problem waiting!
(Aren't these dirty dudes supposed to be breathing heavily, and not so damn chipper?)

Me: Is there something I can help you with?

Dirt McGirt: I'm sorry. I'm not sure who I dialed. Where did I call?
(Ok, so this establishes that he's calling random numbers, not actually stalking me personally. Good to know).

Me: This is the library. Do you have a question?

Dirty Bird: Yes. Are you familiar with the overall aura of your neighborhood?
(Hmmm. A New Age ODB. Maybe it's Ramtha on a particularly frisky day).

Me: No, I'm not personally familiar with that. Perhaps there's a way I can look that up for you? (See me stretching those LIS skills?)

Dirt Bacharach: No, that's ok. Do you know any information about the high school basketball teams in your area?

Me: What sort of information about that do you need?

Dirt Cobain: I'm wondering-- is this call being recorded?

Me: No.

Dirt Loder: You have such a beautiful voice. Are you married?

Me: I'm sorry, I'm not going to answer that. Do you have a research question?

Nastity Bono: So this is like a quick information hotline?

Me: Sort of. It's the library.

Ron Jeremy: But you do give out information?

Me: Yes. Do you have a question?

Dick Trickle: (I'm not going to tell you what he said next verbatim because it is too grotty. Suffice it to say it had something to do with asking me if I prefer R. Kelly style antics with Number 1 or Number 2, and if it's preferable to me on this or that part of the anatomy.)

Me: (so so typical of me) hahahahahaha

Him: Hello? Hello? (he hangs up)

So that's that. I made an obscene phone caller hang up. I think it's part of the thrill for them to make the callee hang up, so take that, Disgusto. I win. And I'm sorry, I know it's probably pointless to try and decipher this situation, but I can't help it. Enquiring minds want to know. Was he really committed to the idea of the dirt-flirt? Or was all that chitchat in the beginning him getting his (ahem) nerve up? It was almost as if, as he was talking to me, he was connecting the dots that this was a library or some other information-giving-type place, and he was actually trying to come up with questions to ask me, hence the aura and basketball stuff. Or maybe that was just his way of small talk before the grand finale, like when you're on a date and you talk about movies but what you really are waiting for is the making out. And when I laughed at him, why did he say "hello? hello?" like we were having a bad connection or something? It's all so confusing. I'm sort of distraught, but not in the way he wants me to be. Well, at the very least I guess he learned he shouldn't mess with this Librarian. Miss Girl if you're nasty.

Kiss the rings, I'm out.
Librarian Girl