Grapes of Stone

Apparently the cold I had yesterday has peaked and receded all on one day, which hardly ever happens to me. Cold Lite, is what Neighbor J and I call this. I went back to work today, and realized that although I am almost all the way better, I still have a little bit of that hazy, underwatery feeling in my head, which seems kind of ok when I am at home sipping Earl Grey and watching Little House on the Prairie in my stylish matchy pajamas, but at work, it's totally magnified. This makes me all the more aware that library work is brainy. And if your brain isn't functioning at peak levels, hilarity can ensue. Well, maybe not full out hilarity, but definitely hijinks. Librarianfolk need to be ALERT, and I was not as alert as I usually am. You want proof that I am not alert? I just said librarianfolk, for starters.

The first hijink that happened (hijink? is that the correct singular of hijinks?) was that someone wanted infomation on how to form their own LLC without a lawyer and I thought they were asking me about LL Bean. LLC, LL Bean, potato, potahto. I actually went on this LL Bean premise for kind of a long time during the reference interview. I had formulated in my mind that they wanted to somehow start their own LL Bean without the help of a lawyer, and I kept asking them (what I now know are) nonsensical questions to help me figure out how to do this. I was confused because I was sure that LL Bean stores are not franchises that one can open oneself, but at the same time I was willing to go along with what I thought the patron was telling me. This resulted in the patron having to repeat some very obvious points a couple of times, and me coming out of the fog of Cold Lite a little chagrined.

This whole thing reminded me of a similar situation where I was the unlucky asker and the other person was the doofus misunderstandus. It happened at Whole Foods. There was this guy that used to work there who was cute in a Jordan Catalano sort of way. Broody, unsmiling. You know the type. Biology Girl developed a crush on this dude, who we lovingly dubbed Stoneface. Biology Girl was going through a shy phase, and was having trouble striking up a conversation, and I had spent a few months coaching her with opening lines and the like, but nothing was happening. After a while, I promised her that one of these times I would say something to him and lure him into our circle of fun social happenings where he would be wowed with how fabulous and gorgeous she is, which- trust me- is not that hard if you know Biology Girl. Our hope was that Stoneface was only quiet and brooding at first, but once the ice was broken, he would have this amazing sense of humor, which is totally a requirement to hang out with us. I was in line one day, and who should be my cashier but He of the Face of Stone. As he rung up my groceries, my grapes rung up at $8.99 a pound. Now, Whole Foods can be expensive, but 9-dollar grapes? I wondered if that was a mistake.

Me: Are these grapes really $8.99 a pound?
Him: (rescanning them) They're $8.99. (blank stoneface)
Me: But, are they REALLY 8.99?
Him: (rescanning them again) They're $8.99. (stoney stoneface)
Me: I get that they're SCANNING at 8.99. But what I'm asking is if that is correct. Could there be an error?
Him: (stoney stone stone)...Ummm. It says 8.99.
Me: (starting to find this conversation funny). Yes, I know that's what it SAYS. But could that be wrong?
Him: Well, when I scan them it says $8.99
Me: hahahahaha
Him: (silent stonefacey-ness)
Me: hahahahaha
Him: (unwavering stoneface)

I finally just had to say that I didn't want the grapes, and I NEVER got him to crack a smile. Not even a little! Needless to say, he was completely written off from that day forward and we never tried to chat up Stoneface again. We still laugh at him though.

I'm fairly sure that LLC guy is going to go home and tell his friends about the dummy librarian who thought he wanted to open an LL Bean franchise. It was so obvious that I was foggy. Maybe I'm going down in that guy's history as Fogface. It's only fair, I suppose.

Kiss the rings, I'm out.
Librarian Girl