Pull THIS

You know what I love about summer? EVERYTHING.

This weekend was awesome. After work on Friday (wherein I cut my 62-item to-do list down to 32 items...BOOYAH) I went straight out to dinner with my friends L and R. Not only that, but I coaxed Nordic Boy off of the roof to actually attend with me. It was quite the event, as he hasn't been off the roof for like, a month. (Well, he goes to work and he sleeps in the house, but other than that). It is like he is a reclusive celebrity these days. He doesn't show up to normal things, unless he decides to put in an appearance. Some people have started to refer to him as my imaginary gentleman friend. But Friday he came out! In public! He IS real, he IS!

After dinner, we went for a walk, and then the pull of the roof was too much. He had to go back, like a moth to a flame.


He'll be in his office.

So he dropped me off at Hopscotch's house where I whiled away the nighttime hours in a deliciously summery way. By this I mean that I sat outside, with no coat and was NOT COLD. For someone like me, who is cold a good 90% of my life, being able to sit outside in the nighttime air and feel perfectly comfortable is so delicious I could almost make myself cry over it.

Not really, but I was looking to make it sound as dramatic as possible so I thought I would talk about waterworks.

So, we sat outside and told funny/embarrassing stories (and I will have you know that two of my adorable friends have stories where they have lost their underwear in public places which to me sounds like a high ratio of people that I know who have done that) until the wee hours and it was summery and delicious. My friends are currently obsessed with cornhole, which they claim to be a Midwest past time, but as a bonafide Midwesterner I must say that I had never heard of this. Any Midwesterners reading this care to chime in?

I don't know why I am fiddle-faddling about when the big news is all about Saturday. Saturday, my friends, I went to a Plane Pull Race. This, in case you didn't know, is where teams of people line up and pull a gigantic plane and whoever goes the fastest, wins. How awesome is that? And you know what else? I TOOK PHOTOS.

First of all, Biology Girl and I drove down to Boeing Field, where the plane pulling was to happen. This is a good place to have it since, you know, it's an air field and so they have planes there. Good thinking, plane pullers. The whole thing was a fundraiser for the King County chapter of Big Brothers and Big Sisters. Delium is a Big Brother to Little T and so a-plane-pulling he went.

Before the teams started, they had this one dude attempt to pull the plane BY HISSELF to break a world record. It was cree-azy. He put this harness on, grabbed the rope, and just pulled this plane around. How is this something that a person ends up doing with their life?

Then, it was time for the teams to start. The first team (20 people per team) went out there and they were the biggest, butchest motherflippers you have ever seen. Like, they had big necks and Popeye arms and stuff. And they did a lot of fist pumping in the air and WWE type noises. I was kind of scared of them. It took them two tries but they pulled the plane.

Next up was Delium's team. His team was not American Gladiator-esque. They were the normal looking dudes team.


Look at them all normal dude-ish. That's Little T in the front there.

They went out there, and you know what? They pulled that plane on the first try! No growling or fist pumps needed. It was quite exciting.


Contain yourself.

Here's the kicker. As Delium's team was lining up, I noticed something. One of the dudes on his team? Was JASON from the Bachelorette. So, all that time that was SUCKED out of my life watching that goddamn waste of a show and then hating myself for watching it afterwards TOTALLY PAID OFF. Because had I not watched it, I wouldn't have recognized Jason. And had I not recognized Jason, I couldn't have said "THAT'S JASON FROM THE BACHELORETTE!" all loud and crass like the uncouth social vagrant that I am. I may have even pointed at him. And taken a photo.


And we probably stared at him too.

So then, after that, BioGirl and I walked around the air field, where they had historic planes and cars on display for some reason. And one car (marked "Sheriff Car") had this weird thing about it.


Hmmm. There's something on the hood there.


Can someone please explain this one to me? Because what the hell?

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Ten Friday Things

Random pre-weekend thoughts.

By Librarian Girl.

Ahem.

1. I had a to-do list today that was fricking NUTSO. It had 62 items on it. All with deadlines. It shook me right in my gizzard.

2. When I was at work, there was this patron who was being a little flirty. Nothing offensive or anything, very harmless. He asked me to re-fill the copier paper for him (hello graduate school! look what I am doing with my life!), and I had to pull out this ream of paper. I guess I wasn't particularly dainty when tearing off the outer covering of the ream. I just tore it off with both hands. So he goes (I think, trying to be funny) "I love the way you just TEAR THAT OFF." Then he tried to laugh, and then he was embarrassed, and stopped laughing abruptly, and then I was embarrassed for him. Um, awkward. We didn't make eye contact after that.

3. If anyone out there gives a rat's ass about So You Think You Can Dance, can I just tell you that last night's episode broke my heart? Damn voters. What are you, BLIND? There had to be a hanging chad mishap somewhere, I just know it.

4. I have been reading nothing but crap lately. Some of it good, cotton candy crap, and some of it just stankface crap. I am going on vacation next week and so I asked my most book-learniest pals to recommend me something MINDBOGGLINGLY good. And then I ordered all of it from my library. Now I have a delicious pile of friends-with-good-taste-approved books waiting to be snarfed down. Munch, munch, munch!

5. Biology Girl called me today just to confess that she was wearing socks with mules. In the privacy of her office only (she had to protect her feet from some sort of sciency chemicals that are used in her lab which sounds awfully sinister for marine biology if you ask me). I didn't know what to say. It was like I should have assigned her some Hail Marys or something, but I'm not really qualified to do that.

6. I have an action-packed weekend coming up! And like a bad boyfriend who keeps promising you more romance, I am saying once again that I WILL TAKE PHOTOS! Really. I will. I've changed. Take me back. I mean it this time.

7. This week, on Project Runway, how awesome was it when that one contestant who looks like a forty-year-old Emily the Strange said that being sent home makes her "the biggest jackass of the nation"? It is, hands down, the quote of the week. If I had such a thing as a quote of the week.

8. Has anyone seen the short film "Green Porno" with Isabella Rossellini in it? YOU MUST SEE IT. That shit is trippy. She dresses up like different bugs and acts out the life cycle of said bugs. She pantomimes bug sex of all types. I watched the whole thing with my mouth hanging open. Whatever that illustrates.

9. I woke up at 4am this morning (have I ever told you that I am what is called a "troubled sleeper"? Oh yes. I am troubled.) and Nordic Boy half-woke-up, looked at me and said to himself "yep. still sweet" and then went back to sleep. Do you think he was talking about me? What happens on the day he wakes up and looks at me and says "nope. gone bad"? What THEN?

10. My new thing that I love to say? "THE END." Said like Alfalfa from the Little Rascals. Four syllables. Thuh-ee Ay-und! Nordic Boy and I say it for everything. Instead of goodnight, we say it. After dinner, we say it. We had a few friends over to watch Project Runway this week, and when they all walked out the door at the end of the night, we yelled it. It's so mature. Indeed.

You know what I have to say about my work week?

THUH-EE AY-UND

Oh, and this.



I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Mr. Mom

Hey, you know what I forgot to mention to you? Nordic Boy and I, we have a baby.

What? Surprised?

Yeah, me too. I totally did not sign up for this.

Ok, so it's not a human baby, fruit of our loins, birthed from inside one of us like in that movie, Alien.

(Do you like how I said "birthed from inside one of us"? Like, if there was any birthing happening, there would be a chance in hell that I would be able to say "not it!" and get out of it? This is only one of the many ways that I live in my own private Idaho where things are set up exactly how I want them).

Our baby, I am surprised to discover, is our house. And Nordic Boy is one dedicated effer of a parent.

I should have seen the signs.

Sign #1: A while ago, we were having a morbid conversation, as couples do. You know the ones. The ones where you say things like "if I die, make sure you find someone else to love." Not to get all seriousface with you, but one of the things I think about with Nordic Boy is that he, more than any person I have ever met, ever, is totally and completely unaffected by lonliness. He never, and I mean NEVER, gets lonely. He really likes his own company, and can spend days upon days not really interacting with anyone and feel completely occupied and stimulated. I tease him about this constantly, with a very mature and sophisticated humor that goes something like "you looooove yourself. ooh, you are so in loooooove with you. smoochy smoochy from you to youuuuu." Yeah. Anyway. So we were having this conversation, and I said that I wondered if I was gone, would he really go out and do things, like with other people. Or would he become one of those Dick Proenekke style hermits who goes out in the woods and spends their time making spoons out of tree branches with nothing but a whittling knife. I know he loves our friends so I don't really think he would do that, but a part of me worries. So I say:

Me: If I'm gone, make sure you keep up your friendships. Because you may not feel lonesome now, but you might later, as you get older.
Him: Don't worry about me. I have the house to work on.

People, he really said that. Like the house is a PERSON. A friend to hang with. A CHILD to care for.

Sign #2:
When we go away on vacations, this conversation will happen.
Me: I miss (insert friend or family name here).
Him: Yeah, I know what you mean. I miss the house.

Sign #3:
If you are around Nordic Boy, he is often deep in thought. He always looks like he is thinking about something. Thinking hard. I call it sultry furrowed brow face. But ask him, AT ANY TIME, what he is thinking about. And I mean at ANY TIME. Guaranteed that it will be building-related. "I am thinking about busting out the shower and re-designing how the plumbing is routed back there." Or "I am thinking about how many BTUs we'll save if we use this insulator. Give me the calculator" or "I am thinking about geothermal heating." Seriously.

Sign #4:
Lately, Nordic Boy has been (as you know) re-doing the roof. I think all of our friends think that we have separated because he has not been seen by them for a month. He won't leave the roof. It is full-time babysitting. You know those moms that have babies and you never see them again? Yeah.

Sign #5:
The final straw. Last night? Nordic Boy got OUT OF BED, three times, to CHECK THE FRIGGIN' ROOF. We were sleeping with the window open, and he kept convincing himself that he was hearing the plastic covering blowing off the roof. So today? He is sleep-deprived. Because the baby kept us up.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Photgraphic Memory

Nowadays (and by the way, is there any word in the English language that can spotlight you as old and decrepit more than the word "nowadays"?) it seems as though everyone knows someone who is famous, or at the very least, semi-famous. Or if not, you at least know someone who knows someone, right? "I went to high school with Madonna," (hi John) or "I studied acting with Dustin Hoffman's daughter" (that's Delium), or "I did home improvements for a Melrose Place starlet" (that's Nordic Boy). And when you factor in D-List type famous people (like knowing someone on Rock of Love or whatever) or even just seeing someone you know interviewed as the "man on the street" on the news, you'd think we'd all be saturated with celebrity boolshiz and be so totally over the whole thing. But you know what? We're not. When I saw Clinton Kelly on the street one time, I blogged about it. When I saw one of the Top Chef people, I blogged about it. It was exciting. I don't really know why. Does anyone know why?

I have three levels of reactions when I see people that I know who have gone on to be the type of person one sees on tv. These are the levels.

Level #1: "HEY!"
This one happened to me just a couple weeks ago. A former boss of mine was a guest on Oprah. There sat Oprah, talking about some issue and making it all melodramatic, and among the panel of guests she had on the stage sat someone who mentored me in this whole librarian racket that I now have going on. I did an internship for her when I was in graduate school. And there she sat. Next to Oprah. Telling her all of her personal private secret business. And my response? To yell out, at the top of my lungs..."HEY!!!!!!" Nordic Boy came running into the room as he thought that I may have severed an artery or something. "What's wrong?" I jumped up and down and pointed at the screen. "I KNOW HER. I KNOW HER. I TOTALLY KNOW HER." Nordic Boy was not jumping up and down, but he did give me a "wow!"

Wow? And me, jumping and yelling? Why? It seems kind of strange when you really think about it.

Level #2: "Huh. Look at that."
This one happens when you know someone that is on tv, but you're not really surprised that they are on tv. Like, they are actors or journalists or musicians or whatever anyway, so by the time they end up actually on tv, it's a little jarring, but not a shock. I have a few of these. For example, Selma Blair. You know Selma Blair, of Hellboy fame? Ex-Mrs.-Ahmet-Zappa? I was in college with her, and we were in plays together. We were friendly, more than we were actual friends. But I knew her fairly well. Although she wasn't someone who I automatically thought "she'll be a STAR someday, a STAR I tell you!" (that was my friend Emily who I had those thoughts about), I still wasn't super surprised to see her on tv. She's talented, and pretty, and fits the "on-tv" mold. She was camera-ready, you know? So the first time I saw her was in a Nike commercial. Or maybe it was Reebok. Some kind of shoe. And when I saw it, I said "huh. Look at that." Then, I saw her as an extra in the movie "In and Out" with Kevin Kline. Again: "huh, look at that. It's Blair." And now that she's in movies, even pretty big ones, that is still all I can muster up. You'd think that someone I knew once actually being in MOVIES would warrant the jumping up and down more than the random person on Oprah. But it doesn't happen that way. Does anyone else have this reaction?

Level #3: "BLAAAAAAHHHHHHH."
This one's a weird one too. This one is when you knew the person really well. Like, let's say, for the sake of argument, that you dated them, or were former best friends with them, or something like that. I have one of those. And this person? When they come on tv? Makes me say "BLAAAAAHHHHHH!" If it happens in front of other people, I say it inwardly, with a poker face. I have had lots of practice so I am good at that. But if I am alone, I say "BLAAAAAAHHHHH!" right out loud. And I feel a little nauseous. And I want to run out the door. It's been years since I have seen this person, but still, I want to barf every time. And then leave the premises immediately.

So this is a very lengthy preface in order to tell you guys that I took a hike this weekend, and it was over three hours long, and I am STILL TIRED. And kind of sore. How does this relate? Because the reason I took the walk was that I had a Level 3 moment. See, in the afternoon, I came home and flipped on my tv, and there was Level 3 looking right back at me. And, since I was alone, I went ahead and said BLAAAAHHHH, and I ran out the door. Like, right away, no conscious thought involved. And I turned my back on my city and walked away from it through neighborhood after neighborhood. Just because. It was actually quite pleasant, aside from the fact that I was totally not prepared to be out like that in the heat for three-plus hours (no water bottle with me, and dressed in a long sleeve sweater and jeans)and after those three hours my body was like "um, STOP WALKING PLEASE" and so I had to call Nordic Boy to come pick me up and I kind of almost didn't know where I was. But other than that, it was an awesome walk. I went down streets I had never been on before. And you know what else? I had my purse with me. And you know what was in my purse? MY CAMERA. And so as I was taking my walk, I kept thinking to myself I have my camera and now I can totally use it and post all sort of photazz glamour shots of my city on my blog and have witty captionography and all like everyone else does on their blogs! I thought it and I thought it. As I walked. And so in order to show you the photos, I had to tell you about why I was walking around in random neighborhoods taking random photos. And in order to explain that, I had to explain Level 3. And in order to explain Level 3, I had to explain the other levels.

Ok, I am shutting up. Because the thing is, after all that talking and explaining and walking, I took TWO PHOTOS. In over three hours. That is one photo per 1.5 hours, for you mathletes out there. But what the hell, I am going to post them. I am like a two-year-old, just learning how to hold a crayon, so proud of my scribbles/bad photos. Please humor me. I am trying.


This is so totally pathetic and embarrassing. A random street in some neighborhood somewhere. You are riveted, aren't you.


This was so much prettier in person. I came up over a hill and there was the lake. Trust me. It was pretty.

Oh never mind.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Picnic Schtick

Lordy Bee Gordy, I am terrible at remembering to take photos of things.

I just look at all y'all's blogs, and I love looking at the photos. And I want to take photos and post them. But do I do it? NO. I am so over myself about that right now. I mean, how hard is it to do? Jeezy Creezy, people. WHAT THE FRACK.

I guess I shall have to rely on word pictures to paint in the spaces of my colorful world.

Ha ha. What if I really talked like that? I feel like if I did, I would have to wear bright, glittery scarves and twirl a lot.

So last night, I had the most picture-worthy evening. First of all, Hopscotch and I met up at my house and had a conversation with Nordic Boy, who was, as ever, on the roof. It's like he's friggin' Rapunzel up there these days. I just walk up my front stairs and scream out "HELLO??" and then his head will pop over the side of the roof for a little conversation. And then I go in the house.

The good news is that the deconstruction phase of the roof is over, and the garbage in my yard has been taken to the recycling center. YEAH-HOO! Last weekend, Nordic Boy got a truck and loaded it up to take it away. And although he didn't ask me to help (I was very busy having lunch with BioGirl you know) he did offer to have me ride along in the dump truck so that when he arrived at the dumping grounds, I could push the dump truck button to make the bed spew out the junk. Isn't that romantic? We keep the spark alive, yes we do.

I ended up not going, but the button pushing gesture was very nice. It's the thought that counts you know. I just didn't really want to sit in the rental dump truck for that long because yo, that shite was dirty. Like, I thought I was going to get ringworm just from sitting my ass on the seat. I am, in many ways, a low maintenance sort of lady, but when it comes to avoiding janky germtown, I can be a little weird and hyper. It's just a thing I have. No ringworm is my motto. Well, not my motto. I just have a three-decade ringworm-free stint that I am anxious to keep going.

ANYWAY. Last night, Hopscotch and I packed a picnic dinner (well, mostly she packed it) and went to Lake Washington (or Lake Warshington as some people like to say) to eat. It was gorgeous. GORGEOUS. Perfect weather, perfect view, perfect everything. And we even saw Clay Aiken there. Ok so it wasn't Clay Aiken but there was a dude there who looked just like him and that was enough to satisfy us. We talked about bad dates. She had a pretty bad one. And then she says "top THAT" and I totally did. I had a date bad enough that when I tell it people fall down laughing with embarrassment on my behalf, without fail. And this was no exception. She had to lie down in the grass for a second to collect herself when I told her. And NO I am not going to tell you guys about it, at least not today. Just try to imagine the absolute worst, most embarrassing thing a person could do while on a date and you just may guess what my worst date story is. Please, do not try and get into a contest with me about most embarrassing date behavior because you. will. lose.

So we sat there and ate cheese, crackers, fruit, and spanikopita. It was very romantic. If that girl wasn't already married I might have just popped the question.

Then we mosied back to my house, where we ate ice cream sandwiches while Nordic Boy tried hard not to fall asleep from roof-fatigue.

See, if I was any kind of photo blogger at ALL, you would have seen (a), Nordic Boy's head poking over the side of the roof, and (b) the gorgeous lake where I ate my dinner, and (c) the romantic cheese and fruit spread on the picnic blanket, and (d) Hopscotch being struck down by my bad date story, and (e) ice cream sandwiches.

It was all very pretty, I assure you. And I made it through another day by not breaking my ringworm-free record. Score.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Eddie Izzard and the Bizzarro Date

Guess what I did this weekend?

I went to see Eddie Izzard, live on his Stripped tour. Oh, it was divine, thanks for asking.

I am not a big "woo"er. I'm not talking about wooing as in courtship. I am talking about it as in, when I go to shows, or out dancing, or any other place where there is a lot of "wooooooooo!" or "wooo-hoooo!" going on, I am not participating in the woo. As a matter of fact, I often wonder what the heck wooing is. Where does this sound come from? Is it primal? Were there cave people who, after killing a beast of some sort that would feed their families for a month, welcomed the hunters back by saying "wooooo-hooooo!"? Somehow I doubt it. Where does this sound come into human history? What is the etymology of the word wooo? If it is indeed some sort of behavioral evolution thing, then I haven't evolved that far yet.

Or at least, I hadn't. Until this weekend. Where I went apeshit for Eddie Izzard and woooo-hooooo'd myself hoarse. I even did that thing where you clap for someone, with your arms up in the air. I also feel like that behavior is a little bit dipshitty. But I did it. I felt it. I can admit that.

It was an awesome show, people. Awesome. If he is coming to your town, GO. Please. You will thank me. Although the tickets are probably sold out and the only way to get any is to sign away your first born (which is basically what I did), it is worth it. If it can make me "wooo-hooo!" then you know it has to be something special.

Aside from the fact that the show was truly great, and I laughed until I wanted to puke (always nice), and we had seats right in front where I could see everything right up to the eyeliner on his face, there was a little bit of side entertainment for me.

I was sitting next to a couple who were on a date from hell.

Now, I don't mean to imply that I was getting entertained by someone else's awful evening. Entertained is the wrong word. I was intrigued by it. It made me realize that although I think I have had some bad dates in my life, I really haven't. Being a little bored by your date or ordering a bad meal or getting a little lost on a hike together or something is small potatoes, really. Anyway, here's what happened.

We got there about 15 minutes early and found our seats. When the couple next to us arrived, they sat down, both whipped out their Blackberries, and started to play solitaire with themselves in silence. For 15 mintues. No talking, no acknowledging each other, nothing. Ok, I thought, maybe that's just what they do. Maybe that is the equivalent of reading the Sunday paper together in silence. Nordic Boy and I are comfortable with silence. Maybe not in this type of venue, but to each his own, right?

Wrong. Then, the show started. When Izzard came out, everyone went nutty for a second. Cheering, clapping, standing up, stomping (and whoo-hooing) for a solid minute or two before he could even start. Sourpuss and Grumpypants stayed seated. As I sort of turned myself to sit back down, I glanced over, and they were glaring at each other. Like a STAREDOWN. What the hell is that? Then, when the show started, the woman, who was sitting next to me, sat there, her arms folded across her chest, and didn't laugh once. Nothing. I don't know about the dude, but I don't think he was laughing either. I got into the show right away and sort of forgot about them, until about twenty minutes in, when Sourpuss (the dude) leans over and whispered something to Grumpypants. And she says in an irritated way (kind of loudly, like I thought maybe even Mr. Izzard heard it) "NO! GAWD!"

Yikes, people.

I thought they might actually start arguing right there, fifteen rows away from Eddie. They didn't. Whew. (Whew is totally different that woo, by the way, and I am very familiar and adept at whewing). Then, about twenty minutes more after that, she grabbed her purse and stormed out. And I mean stormed. And, sitting up so close, it was extra noticable because she had a long way to storm to get out of there. About five minutes later, the dude stormed out after her. They didn't come back.

I know, in the grand scheme of things, that's not the worst date ever. But in my life, I can't think of a time when I had a date where I was at an event with someone I wasn't too gaga for where I didn't just, at the very least, enjoy the event. I'm not saying that to point out that I think Sourpuss and Grumpypants should have sucked it up and tried to have fun. I have no idea what was going on in their lives and it may have been something terrible and legitimately staredown-worthy. I am just saying, I've never been on that date. It looked awful.

You know what? Even with that shit going on right next to me, it was still the best show ever. Seriously, you should go.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Embarrassment, Hatred, and Guilt, Oh My!

Three things.

As you all know, I am not easily embarrassed. I do, after all, share my embarrassing social faux pas with you on a semi-regular basis. But today? My requested copy of Stori-telling, the memoir of Miss Donna Martin herself, was sitting in my work inbox, with my name on it and everything, for all to see. And I felt like everyone at work had seen my skivvies. And they were torn ones. I think I need to quit my job, as I may never be able to face them ever again.

Let's talk about something I HATE, ok? Tra la la, skippety doo dah, look at me all full of sunshine.

I hate cliques. HATE THEM. Hate hate hate. Leaving people out, because they are not cool enough? DISGUSTING.

Here's what's weird. I was totally immune to cliques in high school. I never even noticed them. I have told you all that before. So my hatred does not even arise from some after-school-special psychodrama where the popular kids left me out or poured pig's blood on my head or kicked sand in my face or whatever. So I don't quite know where this feeling of hatred comes from. It definitely has heightened more and more the older I get. And I notice it. If you are being cliquey around me, I SEE YOU. Even when it has nothing to do with me. I just notice it. Why exclude? What's going on, people? Where's the love?

I may be a little cliquey myself, as maybe it's something we can't avoid. I hope I am not, and I don't feel like I am, as I am sort of hyper aware of it. But if anyone I know out there is reading this, and you see me being cliquey, will you do me the honor of KICKING MY ASS? You can choose to not tell me if I have spinach in my teeth, or if my skirt is tucked into my underpants, or if there is a boogie hanging out of my schnozz, because all in all I will get over that. But seriously, if I am being a cliqueish dickwad? You gotta let me know. Because that shit is unsightly.

There are people I know, and I know deep down that they are kind of not so jazzed about me. I mean they think I am ok, but that I am not really worth a whole lot more than just ok. (If you are one of those people, yeah, that's right, I am getting that from you) and I see that the reason for that is because I am not cool enough. I am talking about ADULTS. Hipster adults who want to cross-pollinate with other hipster adults. And I am not a hipster, and so they get confused, because outwardly, at first, I seem like I am one of them. I seem arty, and political, and I have funky shoes. But then they get to know me and see that in addition to those things I am just a big old dork who likes to talk about tv shows and giggle about stupid stuff as a pasttime. So then they can't quite make up their minds about me. Dork? Or hipster? Dork? Or cool girl?

Let me clear it up for you. It's DORK. And you want to like me, hipster doofus, I know you do.

Third thing. I walk to work on days when my job doesn't require me to be all over the city in meetings and such. And now that it's summer, I am doing this quite a bit. And in my neighborhood, sometimes there are little kids who set up lemonade stands. First of all- wow, people still do that? And why am I saying "still" because I never remember anyone doing that when I was a kid? Just...people do that? How cute is that? And because I never leave my house in time to be very leisurely about my walk, there are days when I am (a) running late, and (b) don't have any cash with me, and I am sure the little 10 year olds do not take debit cards. Whenever I pass by and I CAN buy one, I do. But other (most) times? I don't. And I feel like the BIGGEST SCROOGIEST ASS ever. There usually isn't a ton of foot traffic either, so the kid will just look at me, all sweet as can be, and I always say hi, and I will buy another day, but not today, sorry, but great job! and I love your sign! and good luck! But still. I feel bad.

That's all. Oh, and PS. It's the weekend and I am almost faint with glee.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Afeared

Things that don't scare me but at all.

1. Most scary movies about the paranormal. Ghosts, goblins, monsters = snoozefest.
2. Mean patrons at the library who yell at me with rabid spittle flying out of their mouths because their copy of The Secret has a fifteen cent fine on it.
3. Spiders. I think they are cute.
4. Public speaking. Why are people scared of this? It's just talking. Unless you've accidentally done a number two in front of a crowd while making a public address somewhere in your dark past, I don't see where the fear comes in.
5. Thunder and lightning. LOVE THEM.
6. Flying. Every other negative feeling you could possibly feel about flying, I have. Rage, frustration, disgruntlement. Just not fear.

Things that do scare me.
1. When I am on Facebook, and the chat window pops up with on of my friends saying hi. It scares me every time. AAAHH! My computer is talking to me! It's like War Games! Tic Tac Toe! Tic Tac Toe! Help! I know. It's time for me to knock back some Geritol and calm down.
2. People I love getting sick or physically hurt. Bad health can be a super large pain in the hoohah and it's the one thing that truly scares me.

That's about it. Chat on Facebook and ill health. Those two things shiver me timbers.

Things that make me feel an impending sense of doom.

1. Pauly Shore.
2. Politics and the news, which I am also addicted to and can't turn away from.
3. When I mean patron that I have dealt with before comes storming up to the reference desk.
4. Martha Stewart.

Things that initially fill me with anxiety but then after a minute I see that they are actually quite awesome.

1. Roller coasters.
2. Christopher Walken.
3. Sharks.
4. Tammy Faye Baker.
5. Musicals.
6. Shamrock shakes.

Things that don't exactly scare me, but, when come upon unexpectedly, give me quite a jolt of something akin to "that just don't seem right."

1. Walking into my laundry and seeing this.


There are feet coming through my ceiling, people.


I'm out,
Librarian Girl

My Barbecue Tis Of Thee

YAWN.

I am tired today, because I had a blast on the 4th. An honest-to-goodness blast. Let's talk about my day, shall we?

First of all, holy baby Jeebus swaddled in a manger, the place where I work? IS HELLA BIZZY. I have been away from my particular job, doing another particular job in another locale, for the past 9 months. Now I am back to my regular digs and I kind of forgot that my library location is busy. Very, very busy. We are talking crowds of people, swarming the library like we are giving away free stuff or something, which I suppose we are so it's our own damn fault. I always hesitate to talk about how busy my workplace is to anyone, because let's face it, everyone feels like their workplace is busy and so hearing about someone else's busy really doesn't amount to a hill of beandip. And I don't mean that it's busy in a poor me sort of way, because how tiresome is it to hear that? I just feel like I have jumped back into a race, that's all. And when you're in a race, having a break from that race feels EXTRY GOOD.

Hence, the Fourth of July.

To start off with, Nordic Boy continued peeling the old roofing off of the house yesterday. I actually traipsed up there a bit myself to witness some roof nudity. (The roof was nekkid, not us on the roof, just to be clear). I am more excited about having a new roof than I ever would have imagined I could be. I love how dang productive Nordic Boy is and how he starts a project and progress just happens. I come home each day and there's more done! Lots more! Look at that! Time has elapsed and there is something to show for it! It's very satisfying, because I get to see lots of progress without, you know, having to do any pesky work myself.

So I spent the early part of my day running water and snacks up and down the ladder, reading, taking a walk, watching a couple of Tivo'd episodes of Living Lohan while folding laundry, talking to the 'rents on the phone. It was loverly.

Then I went over to a librarian bbq and caught some (very filtered, but still quite pleasant) sun. Nordic Boy could not be bothered to come down from the roof (it's like he's Rapunzel up there or something) so BioGirl and I headed over and had a grand old time. The highlight of that party was that my friend C revealed that she read my last blog post and she promised me that should she ever get married, she and her beloved bride would have little ol' me as a bridesmaid. Could it be? My bridesmaid-free existence could come to an end, someday? ROCK ON.

(I have to add to this story that, in my excited state at this prospect, I blurted out that I would be more than willing to don whatever merengue-looking bridesmaid get-up that she would care to come up with. This statement made me catch a little bit of hell from BioGirl later, as I have specifically told her on multiple occasions that should she ever make me wear a hellish bridesmaid outfit, our very friendship may be in peril. After such harsh admonishment from me on this subject, hearing me offer up myself like a bridal paper doll to be swathed in as much taffeta and tulle as C could dish out was, I grant you, an almost mortal shock to poor BioGirl). Oops.

After that party, we caught up with Nordic Boy at another party, the pull of which was strong enough for his feet to get back on terra firma. This party was way awesome. You know how, in movies like Bridget Jones, or Four Weddings and a Funeral, or whatever, there are those parties with bosom pals and everyone is gorgeous and witty and busts their guts laughing at each other and you think, damn, I wish I had a group of friends like that?

I do. And they rock. And I crawled home at an ungodly hour and fell asleep instantly. And today the muscles in my stomach are sore from all the laughing we did.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

More random nonsense

I think I got this from the Soggy Librarian, aka Hopscotch. You should do it too. Double Dog Dare you.

1. Who was your first prom date?

I took a very serious political stand against prom when I was in school. Hey, some people took down apartheid. My issue was prom. You think I am kidding, but I am not. That is a story for another time.

2. Do you still talk to your first love?

Yes, about once a year. Haven't seen him since high school so I still picture him as a 17 year old and I sometimes embarrassedly think about what a good kisser he was. Don't tell him I said that because the mortification would strike me dead.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink?

A Segram's Wine Cooler in some ridiculous berry flavor. It was red as I recall. Basically it was spiked Kool-Aid. And I drank a bunch of them and got loopy, and then went out dancing in a club and felt so grown up because I was underage. What a klassy young lady I was.

4. What was your first job?

Making people deceased, and not by killing them or anything.

5. What was your first car?

Although it technically wasn't "mine" per se (did I just say per se?), I drove my mom's little red Mazda 323 around my home town like crazy when I was 16. I thought that was so STYLIN' back then. I also had this little bendy mod doll hanging on the rearview mirror. She had the head of Julie Newmar and the body of Gumby. My virginal, sex-obsessed friend Jason would contort poor Gumby Newmar into Kama Sutra-esque positions when I wasn't looking and then leave her like that and if I wasn't paying attention she would stay like that and then my mom would see it.

6. Who was the first person to text you today?

Nordic Boy.

7. Who is the first person you thought of this morning?
Nordic Boy, since he was right there. Although I did have a dream last night where Simon Doonan came into the library and told me that our summer reading display was hideous. So that sort of counts.

8. Who was your first grade teacher?

Mrs. Czap. Pronounced ZAP. How friggin' awesome is that? I just want to keep saying it. Mrs. CZAP. It's like a superhero name. Although pronouncing it "Ka-zap" is also quite nice. Nordic Boy had an elementary school teacher named Mrs. Knipple. And it was actually pronounced "Ka-nipple." Now there's something you don't hear every day.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
When I was a year and a half, I went back to Fiji with the fam. My parents got on a plane, for a trip which was in those days about 48 hours long, with four small children. God bless 'em.

10. Who was your first best friend, and are you still friends with him/her?
My first best friend was Malin, who I was friends with when I was in the first few days of our lives because our parents were friends. So it was like an arranged friend marriage in that our parents put us together. Luckily, we adored each other and went on many little kid adventures together all the way through middle school when she moved away. I am still friends with her, in that Facebook sort of way. She still rocks.

11. What was your first sport played?
I never really played sports since I was in ballet every single minute of my life from age 4 until adulthood. I used to be such a wuss in gym class too. I was that person that never took anything seriously (surprised?) and so my gym teachers didn't like that too much, because, you know, I was having too much FUN. How ridiculous of me.

12. Where was your first sleepover?
I can't possibly remember my first one, since me and my friends were crashing at each other's houses all the time. People were always staying for dinner and staying over and I was always doing the same. I have a feeling people don't do that any more, because parents seem way more controlling now. I get why, but still it's sad to me.

13. Who was the first person you talked to today?
Simon Doonan. I am going to go with saying Simon Doonan. Although he did most of the talking.

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
You know that saying "always a bridesmaid, never a bride?" My saying is "Never a bride, nor a bridesmaid." This is one of those things that people can NOT imagine to be true, as almost every one of my friends has bridesmaid-ed a jillion times. Part of it is that many of my friends are unconventional girlies who don't really do the whole wedding thing, or if they do then they don't do it with a lot of tradition. Of the people who are more traditional, they have just never asked me. Sometimes I secretly wonder if it's because they think that I think weddings are dumb or something, which I don't. Just because I don't want one doesn't mean I wouldn't don some seafoam taffeta get up for a homegirl. But no one has asked me. Boo hoo.

15. What was the first thing you did this morning?

Looked out the window to make sure it was sunny. It is not. It is thunderstorming and hailing. I was TOLD that it would be sunny today. I was TOLD. I was also told I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
Chronology is difficult for me to remember on this one. I went with my parents to see Dizzy Gillespie. I also went to a Neil Young concert with my brother when I was in elementary school. So one of those. I can't remember which was first.

17. What was your first tattoo or piercing?
This is a whole other story for another time, but my first attempt at getting my ears pierced was HORRIFYING.

18. What was the first foreign country you went to?
It feels weird to say Fiji, since that doesn't seem "foreign" to me. So I will say Canada. Now that shit is foreign. They put gravy on FRIES, people.

19. What was your first run-in with the law?
The po-po was always on our ass back in the day. Breaking up friends' parties, pulling my family over in our car, all that stuff. One time police came up my parents driveway and pulled their guns on them as they were getting out of their car in their own damn garage for some fuck-all reason, and if you ever saw my two teeny little innocent parents that would seem even more racist than you might even want to believe. I still have to fight off a deep seated fear of cops sometimes, but mostly I am over it. It really helped me when Alli's brother became a cop because then I knew a good cop. I realize there's lots of great po-po out there so please don't send me hate mail. I'm just talking about how I grewed up thinking. And that I can't remember my first run-in with the law as I feel like they were everywhere even though there was no law-breaking going on in my vicinity.

20. When was your first detention?
I got in a lot of trouble in high school, but I rarely got caught. For this reason, I was often the person that all my friends would "send in" when something untoward needed to happen.

21. What was the first state you lived in?
Michigan, baby, born and raised, in the playground was where I spent most of my days.

22. Who was the first person to break your heart?
Little kid style, it was probably Mike, the menage-a-hand-holder. Goddamn hand whore.

23. Who was your first roommate?
My sister and I shared a bedroom, where she had a flouncy canopy bed with a grape pattern all over it, and i had a mattress and box spring on the floor. I'm just saying. My first non-family roomie was Rebecca at dance school when I was 12. Rebecca looked and acted (in my worldly 12 year old opinion) like she was 10. I hung out with her older sister the whole time I was at that school, who was 15. This was my m.o. back then. I always had older friends in dance school and learned many things I shouldn't have from them. Dang I loved those guys.

24. Where did you go on your first limo ride?
My first limo ride was to my graduation ceremony and we were so friggin' excited about it we could have DIED.

On a totally unrelated note, it hailed on our house in the middle of the night last night. It was loud, especially because it was hitting the tarp that is covering our roof right now. It woke both of us up with a jolt.

Me: Is that hail?
Nordic Boy: HAIL NO!

We both fell immediately back to sleep. This morning? I keep thinking about that and cracking up. That he would yell out HAIL NO and we would just go back to the Sandman like that. We are so weird. Well, technically, he is so weird. I just get to bear witness.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Hot Mess

Most of you that read this blog have never met me in person. There aren't very many people that I know that read this blog. At least, I don't think so. Every once in a while, someone I know will say something to me like "so, I read on your blog that..." and it never fails to make me go whaaat? Ex-squeeze me? (Hi, pop culture reference from 1994). It's not that I mind anyone reading this or have any delusions about it being in any way a private venue for idle insane rantings or anything like that. It just throws me a little. It's like, you guys are my blog friends and then there are my in-person friends and having you all at the same party is cool but strange. Do you have different groups of friends like that? Like, if they were to meet, it would wig you out just a little?

Anyhow, for those of you out there who DO know me in person, especially the local ones here in Seattle, I have a little message to send to all of you. Rather than telling each of you individually, let me lay it on you here, announcement-style, and call it covered. Kay?

I am really sorry that I am ridiculously, deliriously, maddeningly happy in hot weather. The girl can't help it now.

I know that I am generally a happy sort anyhow, and that in and of itself may be slightly annoying, but my usual brand of happiness is, at least, quiet. Understated. It's right there, under the surface, but I try to keep it low key, because there is nothing worse than an overly pepped up happy person, tooting their own glee every chance they get.

But in hot weather? It all comes out. I don't know what it is. Perhaps it's the fact that I only get, all-told, maybe one full week a year when I get this much sun, and it makes my brain go a little haywire. And so, in weather that makes most people slow down and want to melt into a puddle, I am perfectly comfortable and ready to rock. And it causes awkward moments with all ya'll that are miserable because you're dehydrating up like a piece of human jerky.

So...sorry. Just, sorry.

In other news, you know what that crazy Nordic Boy has been up to lately? Tearing off the roof. I don't mean that in some slangy 90s way. Raise the roof! The roof is on fire! Not like that. I mean literally. He is re-roofing the house. Because on a 90-degree day, what could be better than wrestling with roofing material and melty tar? Ah, refreshing.

I am excited about the new roofing we are getting, which will be eco-whatever (that's a technical term) and reflect the sun and save us some Benjamins on the heating bill come winter. What I am not so excited about, however, is that right now? During the tearing out old roof phase? He is piling up the roofing discards in the front yard. As I sit in my living room right now, I look out the window and every few minutes a black, tar-filled, gooey mess flies down past my window. And I know we have to keep it there so that we can haul it to the recycling place all at once, but dang.

Remember how my yard, she is ugly? I finally got the portion that used to look like this...


To look like this...

Ok so it's not that different, but just humor me.

And was going to move on to the next part, near the house. But I am glad I didn't now, because the front yard is jacked. And smells like tar. And is kind of scary looking. It looks like the Blob is eating our house.


Welcome to my lovely home.

Nothing can phase me though, not even a hideous, trash-filled yard. If the temperature dips though, I will have to go apeshit.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Young 97s

I saw this book in the library where I work. It's called 97 Things To Do Before You Finish High School.

It got me thinking. How had I spent my youth? Did I measure up? Had I done all the things that the new-fangled youth of today are doing? So I went through the list and made a list of my own. What follows is the list of the things in the book that I didn't do before the tender age of 18. Dig if you will the picture of what this says about me.

1. Join a club.
I was racking my brain on this one. I wasn't anti-club or anything, but I honest to mergatroid can't think of any club that I ever joined. I was a part of the school thespian society, but that was the biggest bullshit club ever. There were no meetings, and all you had to do was be in a lot of plays and you were in the club. I even held an office in that club. "Scribe." Can someone please hold my hand because the sheer theater geekiness of that title is making me a little faint right now. I never scribed anything for anyone in a thespian-related context so I have no idea what the hell that was about. I remember the day I was "elected" scribe. There were four offices. President, Veep, Scribe and Treasurer. None of these people had any responsibilities at all. It was after rehearsal and our teacher was like "who wants to be thespian president?" and someone would say "ok, me." When he said "scribe" I was like "I'll do that." But that's not really a club, is it? You want to know something else bullshizzy about that club? When I was a senior, we had a graduation awards ceremony, where people got called out for best GPA and Most Volunteer Hours and real shit like that. And, for some reason, my name got called that year and I got a thespian award. Like, it was a little trophy and everything. Why I got one and no one else did I never figured out. Weird.

2. Give technology a break
There weren't cell phones or email or PDAs when I was in high school and I was the last kid on earth to even get a VCR player or an answering machine. My technology consisted of tv-watching and...um...yeah. Just tv watching. And, come to think of it, when we spent summers in Fiji, there was no tv there. So I guess I did have a break from technology. Sort of. Does that count?

3. Host a film festival with your friends.
Really? This is what the kids are doing now? FAN-SWAH.

4. Start or join a book club.
Oopsie, future librarian. I didn't even know that book clubs were a thing to like, DO. I never talked about books with my friends, really. Unless it was to tell them that this one or that one was good. But discussing? Nuh-uh.

5. Sing karaoke.
We didn't know nothing from karaoke. But this one kind of counts because we sang in front of each other all the time. Theater geeks do that, you know.

6. Dine high end on a low budget.
Not unless you count the Olive Garden, which I TOTALLY DO.

7. Record an oral history.
Kids today, I tell ya. They are doing fancy things. I didn't know shit about what an oral history was. Although one of my best friends in high school, Mike, made me a present for graduation. It was a multi-page list of every single inside joke we had with our friends. The list was more than a hundred items strong, and I still have that sucker and I love it. One night, for some reason, Mike and I tape recorded ourselves reading out the list to each other and telling the stories behind why each item was so dang funny. I don't give a monkey ball about possessions usually, but that tape was one of the most important things I ever owned. It was crazy, and funny, and nonsensical, and awesome. I lost it somewhere and I can still make myself get a little misty over the fact that I lost it. Sad. Don't you feel so sad for me? I know, my problems are so yooge. I deserve a telethon. It ain't easy being meezy, baby.

8. Spend quality time with your grandparents.
Never got to do that.

9. Learn a martial art.
Only the fine martial art of cutting others with my eyes.

10. Enter a sports competition.
Nope, but I spent much of my youth in dance auditions, and if you want to show me a more cut-throat event, I would love to see it. Maybe cock-fights?

11. Determine your blood type.
Nope.

12. Detox your body.
That would have gotten in the way of my very serious Cool Ranch Dorito and Faygo consumption.

13. Plant an herb garden.
The thought of me doing this NOW is laughable. As a teen? Whatever.

14. Know your silhouette and colors.
I am starting to doubt the validity of this book. Did they really just say that? Am I being punked?

15. Visit your state capital.
I went to the city, but never the actual building. There is nothing at all entertaining about this one.

16. Take a camping trip.
Still have never done this to this day. No one wants to take me, I think. I have asked numerous camping-type friends to let me tag along and no one has ever helped a girl out. What does this say about me that my friends are too scared to take me into the woods with them?

17. Hike to a mountaintop.
We didn't have mountains in the midwest. That's still true, right? Now that they have earthquakes there, who the hell knows.

18. Make a podcast.
Once again I reiterate that I was brought up in the days of yore when we had to do things like order plane tickets over the phone and buy stage makeup because drug store/mall makeup didn't carry brown colors and there was no such thing as a self-service slurpee maker and we played text-based games on our Commodore Vic-20s. So, nope.

19. Keep a scrapbook.
20. Learn to match beats.
Although I did know how to run a sampling machine and a sound board in high school. Do they still even make sampling machines? Or did I basically just say that I know how to work a Victrola?

21. Create a comic strip.
No way. The closest I came was I created a storyboard once for a film class. Sort of the same? Kind of? A little? Ok not really.

22. Paint your room.
23. Write your own manifesto.
Kids are writing their own manifestos these days? NUTS.

24. Contribute to community beautification.
Please. I mowed my parents lawn until I wanted to DIE. That was all I could take.

25. Visit your local officials.
If by this you mean my local McDonald's drive-through officials.

26. Write an op-ed.
Dang, I missed out on that one. I had very strong opinions about Betty versus Veronica.

27. Understand the stock market.
My economics class in high school was an effing joke. As were most of my classes.

28. Learn basic car maintenance.
I still need to get around to that.

29. Learn CPR.
Yeah, that one too. What the hell have I been doing with my life?

30. Ride a horse.
I had never even seen a real horse except but once in 6th grade camp.

31. Bury a time capsule.
What was I going to put in there? My acid washed jeans and my autographed photo of Soupy Sales?

That's it. Out of 97 items, I didn't do a third of them before finishing high school. A FULL THIRD. A sampling of the ones I DID do, however, are: throw a house party, learn about safe sex, take an art class, make your own halloween costume, and go skinny dipping. You know, all the important ones.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

"Thanks for your support"

There is something about summer that makes me just want to rock out to cheesy music. Even more than usual. I don't know what it is. It's like the sun comes out and fries my brain and all of a sudden you find me driving around town blasting Lady by Styx or Poison by Bel Biv Divoe or Whatever U Like by Nicole Stingzinger. Or whatever her name is. You know what I mean.

Here is something exciting. I got home last night and there was a large, very official-looking envelope in my mail from Stanford University. Ooh la la, Brains R Us. You know what it was? A degree. A Pee Aitch Dee. Ooh la la again!

Ok, so it wasn't mine. The name on the degree was Biology Girl, who had her degree sent to me because I am her in-case-of-emergency person (as Miranda Hobbs would say) or her "constant" (as Desmond Hume would say). When she moves or travels or what have you and she needs a permanent address to give out or whatever, that would be me. Which is awesome because then I get fancy, interesting mail with calligraphy instead of the nine thousand credit card offers that stuff my mailbox on a daily basis.

To celebrate her degree, we went out and had a fancy dinner. This was marred only by the fact that (a) Nordic Boy was tired from a long day at work followed by a long few hours after work ripping off our roof for replacement and so he was almost falling asleep into his Penne Sorrentina; and (b) I was tired and spaced out from a long day where I finished a big job assignment; and (c) Biology Girl was tired from a long day to the point where her ass was sore from writing a long paper that she has submitted for publication just under deadline. But other than that, it was a grand celebratory time.

So during dinner, Bio Girl suggested that we have some sort of ice cream or other such summery dessert after dinner. I thought that I expressed that this was a great idea, but apparently Nordic Boy and I were so tired that we gave a half-hearted response to the whole thing and she thought it was a no go. This was further complicated by the fact that (did I mention that I was tired?) no sooner had we walked out of the restaurant, I totally forgot about the dessert idea. I had a hazy understanding that we were about to go somewhere for something, but I couldn't remember. In the twenty or so paces from the restaurant to the car, I forgot where I was going.

We got in the car.

Me: (driving) Now, wait. Where am I supposed to be going?
Nordic Boy: (silence, barely awake)
BioGirl: Um, I guess you're taking me home?
Me: Oh. Ok.

See, she thought the ice cream idea had been shut down. So she went home. And I took her there, with a vague idea that maybe there was something I was forgetting.

I drove home, walked in the door, and then thought the following: "Man, you know what sounds so good to me right now? Ice crea-- hey! Wait a minute!"

I texted BioGirl to ask her what the hell she let me forget about the ice cream for. She said she thought I didn't want it. I told her I plum forgot. She was polite and didn't tell me that I am clearly a senile old bat.

I got back in my car, went to the store, got us some ice cream, and went over to her place, degree from Stanford in hand.

The best part of the whole night? Was when we were munching on our ice cream, half watching "I Survived a Japanese Game Show."

Her: Well...(munch munch)...you know...(totally unimpressed)...I'm officially done with school now.
Me: Yup (munch munch)...you have your papers to prove it and everything.
Her: Yeah.
Me: Yeah.
Her: (shrug)
(pause, munch, munch)
Her: This ice cream is good. Lots of peanut butter cups in it.
Me: Yeah?
Her: Yeah.

Sometimes I think she and I are the Bartles and James guys. Without the wine coolers. Although perhaps we need to have the wine coolers, just to liven things up.

Yeah?
Yeah.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Readership to Librarianship

You know what I heard? I heard it was Take Your Blog Readership to Work Day some time this week. Josh said so. But then, Josh says all sorts of squirrelly things that are not to be trusted because he may be just joshing, so I don't know if this one is for reals.

Hey- Josh could be JUST JOSHING! How could I have never thought to say this before? These are the moments in my life that should be celebrated in some sort of Italian Roast Instant Coffee commercial.

Anyway, I will pretend that Take Your Blog Readership to Work Day is real. To that end, yesterday during a lunch break, I took some half-hearted photos with my craptastic camera phone while on a lunch break to show you, my Readership, how I roll as I work in Librarianship. Because anything that has that many "ship" words in it HAS to be fun, right?

First of all, yesterday was an awesome day on the Librarian Ship because this morning, before we opened, there was a surprise party. And the surprise party was FOR ME. See, I am transferring to another library location next week, and the staff at my current location threw me a party to say "later, gator." It was way awesome.

You want to know something really pathetic about me? (Just add it to the list, yo). I have never had a party thrown for me before. Like, EVER. Except when I was growing up and my parents threw me a birthday wingding. But, as an adult? No parties thrown for me. I have thrown lots of parties for others, lots for myself, and I have attended lots of parties thrown by others for others, and I have always had this secret thought in my head, sort of wistful-like, about how awesome it would be for someone to throw me a party. One where I don't have to organize anything. Because, you know, I am usually that person, who organizes things. And I love doing it, but this? Today? Walking into a room and having the food taken care of, and a cake, and flowers, and a nice card, and everything? And all I had to do was show up and take it all in? LOVED IT.


They even got me flowers, those rascals.

Ok, on to more common work things in the life of me.

Well this first thing isn't very common, but I have to share. People often call and leave me strange messages on voicemail. Like, people who have the wrong number. I don't know what it is, but it happens to me more than the average amount. This morning, I showed up to a voicemail message that went a little something like this:

"Um, hi. I think maybe I have the wrong number. I'm not sure. This is the SeaTac airport cargo department calling, and we have a crate of frogs here for you to pick up. But it doesn't sound like the library would be the right place for this call to go. So, um. If it IS you that is expecting a crate of frogs, then call me back."

A crate of frogs! First a surprise party and now a crate of frogs? This must be my lucky day.

Enough ridiculousness. I have boring photos to share!

The first thing that you are probably thinking of when thinking of a librarian gig is books. And you would be right, there are a lot of books in my life. Stacks and stacks of them that I get to handle and love and care for. But if I were to be perfectly honest with you, the thing I interact with more than books? Would be this.


The daily screen stare down

Usually the computer is turned on though. Obviously.

One thing my building has is an abundance of windows. Even as I sit at my desk, I am bathed in the glow of the Seattle sun, which makes scant appearances like an agoraphobic starlet.


I realize the window panes in this photo look like scary prison bars, but the effect in person is really nice. Really. Trust me.

And by the way, the word agoraphobia? Cracks my shit up. Because see, in Hindi, the word "gora" means "white person." So like, to my ear, it sounds like the word "agoraphobia" means "fear of white people." Which strikes me as hilarious. No offense to white people. Or real agoraphobics. Or people who are afraid of white people.

ANYHOO.

This is my office door. It has a port hole in it! Is that not the best thing ever? So when I am in my office, and my door is shut (not very often, but still), people can come and view me through the port hole. Or I can view the outside world as if it is a wondrous aquatic world that I dare not enter without a wetsuit.


Behold the strange librarian life.

I feel like I am painting a very odd picture with these photos. Prison-like windows, a port hole door...what does this say about my work life? That it may drive me a little crazy?

To keep myself sane, I have a photo stuck on my wall right behind my computer monitor, so that it is in my peripheral vision at all times that I am computing. It's a photo of me and my pals on our annual beach house summer vacation. Looking at it can get me through just about any bad day.


Snapshot sanity.

You may be asking yourself, Librarian, do you sit in your office all day? Why no, dear reader, I don't. Very little time is actually spent in my office. I spend most of my time in the library. But running around there taking photos is sort of unseemly, plus I was on my lunch break and I do most often eat my lunch at my desk (is that bad? It seems bad to say that) so that's the photos that you're getting.

I'll leave you with a photo of the stairs that lead from my office to the library proper. I run up and down these goldarn stairs about a jillion times every day. It is healthy for my ass and a pain in my ass all at the same time.


Upsy downsy upsy downsy

That's all I could muster up, friends. Five minutes of sitting at my desk and taking photos during a lunch break. But that's ok, right? Especially since Josh probably made this whole thing up anyway.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Sunshine Shoes

I feel totally high right now. You know why?

IT'S SUMMER, PEOPLE!

We have had two, count 'em TWO, glorious days of sunshine, right in a row. It is too exciting to bear. I am going to make this one quick since I have to clear my schedule for traipsing around in the sunlight and thawing the hell out.

Remember how I told you that my friends, Hopscotch and Rambo, recently got hitched? And how my hiney was in motion on the reception dance floor in celebratory glee? I have a post script to that story.

So picture me, busting a move in the middle of a crowd of wedding guests of all ages. Are you picturing it? I don't feel like you are really picturing it. PICTURE IT.

In the midst of this crowd of dancers, there were these two teeny little girls. They were wee ones after my own heart, as they were dancing it up just as hard as their little legs could go. But then, you know what happened?

They saw my shoes. My lovely, delicious sunshiney shoes.

AND THEY WERE CAPTIVATED.

They both, simultaneously, got down on their little round bellies, crawled toward my dancing feet, and started to worship the shoes.

I had to stop dancing and stand there for a minute. They both just melted there on the floor in front of me. They reached out with both hands, and petted my shoes. For a good long minute. Pet pet. Pretty pretty. Pet pet. Shoooooooz.

Everyone laughed. My friends snapped photos of this. And the kiddies just stared and petted. Not to be interrupted. Eventually, I had to stop the madness and I just sort of gently withdrew from the little hands.

I have been told I have nice shoes before. But this? This is getting ridiculous.



I'm out,
Librarian Girl

You May Call Me Your Highness

Nordic Boy doesn't really have any goopy nicknames for me. There was a phase where he called me Mushmouth because of the way I trip over my words when I am excited about something. And he calls me "Cool Breeze" a lot for some inexplicable reason (as in "what's up, Cool Breeze?") but I couldn't really tell you why. Maybe because I am cold alla time? And he also calls me "Chuckles" a lot, because, you know, I can get the giggles something awful. And the only time he says it is when I am in a fit of laughter, and I can't stop, and he doesn't quite get what the heck is so dang funny (this happens pretty regularly) and he'll just say in a wry sort of way "laugh it up, Chuckles." Oh, and sometimes he calls me birdie, or sweetie. I guess that is a little goopy, but on the scale of disgustingness, that's not so bad, right? No sugarlips, no snookums, no snugglebunny, no nothing like that. And you all know how I feel about the word "poopsie" so that is out.

Well, get this. The other night? Nordic Boy fell asleep as I was reading in bed. I read for about an hour, and then I turned out the light. In his sleep, he turned toward me, put his hand on my hip, and said the following quite clearly.

"Goodnight Candy Princess."

Oh. My. Goodness.

Candy Princess? What the heck is THAT? It's so...I don't know...My Little Pony-esque.

I am sure he would be so overjoyed that I am sharing this with you, by the way. But I can't keep it in. It's too GOOD.

In other news, can I mention to you that my friends and I are friggin' geniuses? We need to be officially designated as a Think Tank. Behold the lively conversation.

Me: I was driving over by Magnuson Park today, and there was pollen flying around over there the size of cotton balls! It was like pollen snow. It was nuts.

Nordic Boy: (doing a weird King Tut head bob)

Me: What is that? A dance?

Nordic Boy: No. I was dodging the pollen. Like, the pollen balls are so big, you have to navigate through them. Like that. (King Tut head again).

Me: That should be, like, the next big thing in video games.

Biology Girl: Yeah, like the Wii. But instead of a hand controller, you put this controller thing on like headgear.

Me: And the screen has pollen coming at you, and you have to not get hit by it!

Nordic Boy: It would be called POLLEN DODGER.

Biology Girl: And the goal of the game would be to get through all the pollen, and at the end, you get to save CANDY PRINCESS.

Me: Ha ha ha!
Her: Ha ha ha!
Nordic Boy: (embarrassed silence)

I'm out,
Candy Princess

Late Night With McFly

I am here today to proclaim something. Ready? This I do proclaimeth to thee:

I will not talk about the rainy weather for the REST OF THE SUMMER.

Because man. Us Seattle people? We can talk about the rainy weather. Especially in June. Constantly. It's like how LA people always talk about traffic and New York people always talk about how New York is better than everywhere else, and how Chicago people talk about where they had their last John Cusack sighting. We have to talk about rain in June! Like we have never seen rain in June before!

The thing is, it rains in June every year. Summer doesn't really start here until late June or early July. And even then it is a mild summer with rainy days thrown in. But yet, every year, we all whip ourselves into a frenzy because OH MY GOD IT IS RAINING IN JUNE. It is June Rain Amnesia. And I am guilty of it and so I shall not mention it on this here blog for the rest of the summer. Deal?

In other news, yesterday I was so tired I felt like I had a hangover. And this time, it wasn't because of insomnia. It was because of Michael J. Fox.

Nordic Boy was out of town and so I had the house to myself on Monday night. And so I did what any former Women's Studies major would do on such an evening alone. I watched the Bachelorette on tv. And it was a two hour episode. The shame! The dirty, disgusting shame. Why do I watch things that are guaranteed to annoy the everloving jeebus out of me? WHY? I think it is maybe because I want someone to talk to, and there is nothing that will get me talking like an episode of the Bachelorette. It is prime talking-back-to-the-tv fodder.

Anyhoo. After that I should have just thrown in the towel and went to bed. But I didn't. Instead, I perused my Tivo Suggestions. And you know what was on there? Teen Wolf, starring Alex P. Keaton and Frances from Pee Wee's Big Adventure! What could I do? It was right there! I had to say YES PLEASE. And I sat there and watched the whole thing. And stayed up way too late. And felt like a zombie for the rest of the next day.

This whole responsible adult thing is such a charade.

Last night, I could have had a repeat performance of the Tivo Suggestions Monster, but I was saved by Hopscotch, who came over and graciously indulged me with actual human conversation. This was lucky, as I had a fresh recording of "Some Like It Hot" simmering in the Tivo box and I could have so easily gone there.

See, when there are other people present, they can lure me away from the Tivo Suggestion Monster. Like last weekend?

Me: (turning on the Tivo) Oh my god.
Nordic Boy: What?
Me: (overcome with excitement) LOOK what is on the Tivo!
NB: The Ghost and Mr. Chicken?
Me: SWEET. Let's watch it!
NB: I'm sorry. I can't.
Me: What, are you busy?
NB: No. I just...can't.
Me: But it's DON KNOTTS! Mr. Furley! Bugging out for two hours straight!
NB: Exactly. I can't do that.
Me: Oh. Really?
NB: Really. I just can't do it.
Me: Aw, fine.

My friends and Nordic Boy help me with these boundaries. It's good, because otherwise, I may never sleep again.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Some Teacher

I have a serious case of the Mondays today, people. It happens to the best of us. I think it has something to do with the following facts.

1. Nordic Boy, who returned from a biznazz trip on Friday, just departed this morning for another biznazz trip. Dang job. Making him travel and leave me alone to make dinner for myself. But alas, money must be made for the purchasing of plants to insert into the bald yard. Dolla dolla bills, ya'll.

2. The gods are peeing rain down on us again and this fetish is getting WAY OLD.

3. I have a mountain of TPS reports to do. Ok, maybe not a mountain. More like two. But that is two too many.

4. My pops and his neverending medical issues can wear me out sometimes. You know all this stuff about getting older is getting better and smear on some Oil of Olay and Age Defy yourself and all that? Screw that. Getting old is hard, and your body starts breaking down, and it's scary and mean and sucks major dingus.

Ok, mini-tantrum over. I've been thinking. I should talk about books on here sometimes. You know, me being a librarian and all, you'd think I'd want to talk about books. And by golly I do. And so I shall. Salt and Pepa? Sing us a little intro.

Let's talk about books, babe-ee
Let's talk about you, and me
Let's talk about all the good books
And the bad books that can be!

Too much? I think that was probably too much.

So rather than do a review of a book (because, let's face it, you go to Amazon or to your local library or to Goodreads or to Josh for those), I will do what I do best. Tell a silly story with no real point, but in this case a book will be the fundament to the whole shebang.

That is right. I said FUNDAMENT. I is so smart.

Let's start out with a crowd pleaser. Charlotte's Web. How about Charlotte's Web? That is SOME BOOK. Get it? Like, how Charlotte weaves "some pig" into her web? And I said SOME BOOK? Woo. I exhilarate meself.

I read Charlotte's Web for the first time in 2nd grade. Or rather, it was read to me. In our 2nd grade class, our teacher read aloud to us, a chapter at a time, right before lunch. It was the highlight of my day. Not only because it is a lovely book that teaches little urban kids that pigs are in serious danger of being killed up as soon as they are born and that the pig death could happen at any time after that point, but because my 2nd grade teacher was hella weird and she only stopped being weird when she read us that book.

Miss Tiva was mean. Not a big departure for me in my own personal teacher landscape, really. Not only was she mean though. She was an oddball. First of all, she picked her nose. Didn't even try to hide that shit, either. You'd think that, when teaching kids who are at the age when they need someone to model for them good nose hygiene, that one would refrain from nasal mining. Not Miss Tiva. Not only that, she picked at other things too. Her face, the underwear out of her crack, whatevers. Even as 2nd graders, a peer group where we were still learning basic bodily hygiene ourselves, we were all totally sicked out by Miss Tiva.

The other thing about Miss Tiva was that she was seriously hooked on phonics. Like, addicted to phonics. She would drill us on the goddamn phonics until we wanted to DIE.

Her: "Dog. Dah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahg. Repeat that please."
Us: "Dog. Dah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah..."

We would always get lost on those phonics things. We could never remember how many "ahs" or whatever to repeat.

Also? Miss Tiva freaked the shit out of me because this one time, I was at the eye doctor with my dad, and I turned the corner in a hallway, and there she was. Seeing a teacher outside of the classroom, just walking around in NORMAL SPACE is freaky enough. But what was even freakier was that there was TWO of her. Miss Tiva had a twin! Meanness times two! A child's worst nightmare! I could never shake this eerie feeling about her after that. In my mind, I was always thinking, she has a SPARE SELF.

But, for one chapter a day, I loved Miss Tiva. She read us that book and I forgot about her, and her scowl and her bad picking habits and her phonics. There is still a part of me that, when I read the words "Templeton" or "goslings" or "Charlotte," still hears those words in her voice.

Goslings. Gah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahslings.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

Script This

It has been the rainiest days ever the past couple of days. And not just the regular misty moisty (hey, remember that song?) Seattle style rain. This is more the pouring down rain where you actually need an umbrella ella ella when you go outside. It's serious damp out there.

I had this meeting this morning, where I had to talk almost non-stop for over three hours. There are very, very few people that I would want to listen to for three hours and my name is not on that short list. SHUT UP SHUT THE HELL UP is usually how I feel when there is an overabundance of blah blah blah. And when it's me doing the blah blahing it is no different. So, for the rest of the day, I was craving a nice tall forty ounce of shut up juice.

This week has seemed longer than all get out and my mind is kind of mushy. Not mushy like in smoochy but mushy as in creamed corn. Did I really need to clarify the style of mushy? Was that condescending to you, my darling blog friends, who can surely understand via context what sort of mush was intended? Sorry.

At the risk of sounding Ramtha, I have been surrounded by lots of negative energy lately. I am usually pretty Teflon-ish when it comes to such things because, you know, whatever. But today, it totally made me tired. My Teflon wears a little thin. But what can you do, right? The only thing you can do is make a gansta style statement that is just this side of nonsensical but all the hip hop stars do it so it must mean something right? So, let's try it. Let's make a statement about negative crap.

Yo, I just gotta keep it postive through all the haters, cuz. All this negativity is just a way for the suckas to keep me down and I ain't havin' that. It's all about postivity and that's real, son. As long as I'm keepin' it on the positive tip and keepin the hustle goin then there ain't no room for negativity in my life. Ima just do my thang.

Wow, you know what? That kind of works. Scary.

Is there a script somewhere that hip hop artists follow? Because they all say that. Just like all professional sports coaches say this in the locker room after a game is lost.

Well we went out there and did our best but today the other team just played a better game because you know we started out playing hard but we were down a couple of players and that really hurt us in the end. We're gonna have to regroup and come out fighting next week and I think we're gonna do that because we have a strong team and we're gonna come out on top but we made some mistakes out there today and we're gonna have to deal with that.

REALLY. It's like a SCRIPT. Handed out in coach school.

You know what I think? I think librarians need to have a canned statement to make after a hard days work of librarianing. So when we leave the library each night and the papparazzi stuff their microphones in our faces (as they do) asking us for a statement, we will be prepared.

Ahem.

Well we started out strong today with a string of reference questions answered but then a committee meeting came up and we just lost our footing for a moment but we recovered during lunch when my salad was full of crispy postivity. We dodged some dicey situations in the afterschool hours and could have given up but we came through and finished clean with a batch of new books and some witty repartee. Peace.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl

My Mind Is A Blank

Here's another weird thing about me, and no, the list of weirdiocrity is nowhere near exhausted.

I have a weird aversion to stuff. Things. Possessions. Paraphenalia. I hate stuff. Tchotckes. Home detritus. Accoutrements. Appurtenances. Trappings. GEAR.

You know those people that Oprah likes to parade out for all of us in a 21st century style freak show, the ones with hoarding problems? And that Australian guy who comes on and makes them get rid of all their piles of twenty year old never used wafflemakers and their closets full of brand new clogs? And we all get to say "oh my god, they are SICK!" and feel so good about ourselves because although we may have a display case full of miniature giraffe knickknacks and Thomas Kincaide figurines, at least we aren't LIKE THEM?

I have the opposite illness. I don't like having stuff around me. At all. Blankness, to me, is nice. I love it. Mm, mm, good.

What does this say about me? I feel like a stuff-anorexic. And it's not even like I feel this way for saintly reasons. I am not trying to make a big statement about the Overly Bloated Consumption of Crap in American Society. Although I do think people tend to have too many things, that is pretty much a fringe benefit to my feelings. A bonus. Like I can pretend that it's because of that that I don't like having stuff, but truly, it's an aesthetic thing for me.

I think things look nicer when there isn't a lot of stuff crammed everywhere.

That's right. I just think it looks prettier. How shallow.

So, even though I am a librarian and I likee the booksie, I haven't bought a book in like...years. The sum total of my book ownership is twenty two books. I just counted. I don't have knicks nor do I have knacks, I have one set of mugs (what is with the mugs, people? Everyone I know has a bazillion mugs!), I own less than a dozen movies, I have four canvases on which I paint, and when I am done painting on one, I just paint right over it. And clothes? You think I have a lot of clothes, right? Not true. Whenever I buy something, I give something away. I have four pairs of earrings. I have three necklaces. I have two tubes of lipstick. Not because I am Mother Theresa. Not even close. It's just because if anything in my living space gets complicated, I will seriously lose my shit.

Let's just think about that for a second. If anything in my living space gets complicated, I will SERIOUSLY LOSE MY SHIT.

That just don't seem right, do it? There's a little screw loose somewhere, is what I'm thinking.

The latest thing for me is my mantle. When I moved in, I was excited to have a fireplace. I was not excited, however, for the ugliforousness of the fireplace. Check it.


That's a Pa Ingalls stew-making fireplace if ever I saw one and you know I am right.

So, I started the home improvement whine machine. Here's how it goes. I whine for a day or two. Then Nordic Boy springs into action. A weekend goes by... and voila! I get a new mantle.


Dang I love that dude.

So now, I have a pretty fireplace and a nice big mantle. With nothing on it. What the hell is a mantle for, if not for putting out pictures, and knickknacks, and objects aplenty? THAT'S WHAT IT'S FOR.

But I couldn't do it. It was just so...uncluttered the way it was. And uncluttered floats my boat to an almost sexual degree.

To much information? Sorry.

Someone who was in the home interiors business once said to me that one's home should reflect one's soul. That your outer landscape should reflect your inner landscape. I have always loved that.

But! Then it would follow that I am a vacant person. Do I look dead behind my eyes? Has Elvis left the building? Are the lights on but nobody's home?

Last weekend, Nordic Boy coaxed me into putting stuff out on the mantle. Just try it, he said. You might like it.

So I gathered up a few things. Photos, all the vases I own (three), a decorative bowl that I usually keep fruit in on the kitchen table. I kept it there for a few days, and the whole time, it bugged the everloving shit out of me. I HAVE A MANTLE DISORDER. And as a result, I took it all down after a couple of days of interior design pain. And you know what's even sicker? The only thing I got out of this exercise is my saying to myself "Three vases? THREE? Why the hell do I have three vases? THAT IS TOO MANY VASES!"

Oprah, please help me.

I'm out,
Librarian Girl