So after the sad events I wrote about yesterday, I've been thinking, and I have to tell you guys something. I have a fear about my blog and it is this: I am afraid that the way I seem to react to Bad Stuff happening will make people think I am a horrible person. Like, remember last year on my birthday when my dad had to go to the hospital, and there really wasn't anything I could do about it, so after I talked to my family and we all agreed on that much, I went ahead and attended my birthday party anyway? When I told you guys about that, I was afraid that I sounded callous. Who goes to a party and has fun when their dad is in the hospital? I do. And I worry that people will think less of me for it. I know I am doing what feels right to me. But that still doesn't allay my fear that other people won't get that. Still being able to see my pals, go to work, genuinely smile soon after some serious shit has gone down? Who does that? A crazy person? A terrible person? Hopefully not. Hopefully it's just a person who's trying to cope.
Saturday, October 08, 2011
One more serious one and then I am done I swear
All of this is to say that after Nordic Boy left yesterday and a morning of me being weepy, I took a breath and went about my day, and it was a good day in my awesome life, and I still want to tell you about that. I went out to a lunch with Biogirl where we talked for two hours, and cried in the restaurant (sorry for freaking you out, waitstaff), and peed ourselves laughing too. And then I went into work last night and had an super sweet time watching hundreds of teenagers screaming for their favorite author, who we hosted, and come on, what could be more joyful than seeing teens go bonkers for reading? And today Biogirl and I are heading out of town for the weekend, to try to salvage birthdayness for me. What is happening with Nordic Boy and Joel is going to be in my mind the whole time, but I have developed, over a long time of working on it, a way to simultaneously feel joy too. Am I horrible for soldiering on with birthday nonsense when heartbreaking circumstances are occurring? When I get back on Monday and show you guys pictures and such of the awesome, are you all going to be like "hey wow, she was talking about someone dying on Friday and she's talking about this ridiculousness not two days later?"
I have a huge fear that you'll think that. And I guess I can't control it if you do. But even if you do, somewhere in your mind, even as you think it, please try to be generous with me as well. I'm not selfish and terrible, I promise you. I'm just trying to deal.
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12 comments:
I work with someone that last her son in a car accident last winter, she was back at work two weeks later. She said he helped her to be around people that were smiling and not all wrapped in the drama that was happening at home. Whatever you feel is right to do is right to do, no worries no guilt. It is evident from your blog that are one super supportive friend, girlfriend and daughter and even more cool librarian. Hang in there and it's ok to go to parties.
I think you're rad!
Life is full of joy and pain. I've been in enough hospitals and to enough funerals to appreciate those who can still appreciate those moments of happiness, even in the midst of deep sorrow. I think, rather than being callous, you are blessed to be able to appreciate both. You are likely more fully alive than many who allowed themselves to be drowned by the bad things in life.
I've long been a lurker on your blog, but had to speak to this post. Please, continue to be who you are. Funny, quirky, loving, and a person who brings much to the world.
Not once in any post you have ever written (because when I found your blog I had a shitty job with too much free time and I'm super neurotic enough to read something from the very beginning and not because I'm a scary stalker), has it ever crossed my mind that you seemed less than totally normal and ultra cool.
-K
It's the way life is sometimes! I totally don't think you are a selfish or callous person. I also really like my job, have cool things going on, and generally enjoy my life. And my husband is less than thrilled with his job and having a few issues with things. It can be hard when things are out of sync but I also realize that negotiating these differences is part of building a relationship.
So good for you! And good for you for recognizing that these events might seem as if they clash to your avid readers.
Never think bad of you.
But definitely think of you often after reading a post like the one about Joel.
Stay cool forever... (and more so if you know the name of the film that's from)
If you can't find joy when shit is going on, you will never be happy. There is always something - a friend, family, your pet chinchilla, whatever - that is not perfect and wonderful and unshitty (and yes, I know it's not a word, but it is really fun to say).
I worry more for people who can't continue on with their everyday lives when shit it going down.
i'm pretty sure that no one thinks bad of you. crappy stuff happens all the time, and it's a well-rounded person that can feel the sadness but still take a minute to appreciate the good, too.
i felt the same way when my brother was in the hospital--like i'd be cheating on him if i even thought about having any fun.
Fear not! There's good and bad in every life. If you could not relieve the stress of the bad with a little party, we would all be in the cardiac ward.
What your blogs tell me is that you are lucky to have a great guy and great friends and I am sure they are very lucky to have you in their life.
I took a poll of the universe and everyone thinks you're awesome, always.
Happiness is like a journey, we have the capacity to decide to continue on our journey despite the bumps in the road. Surrounding yourself with friends/family who will support and listen without judging or criticizing is what you're doing. You rock.
Agree with everyone here. I think Jill really says it beautifully. We all love you just the way you are (begin music).
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