Baby Love

I didn't write a post for Mother's Day, as I was spending it in the Midwest sans innernets, sniffing hospital fumes. So, although it's a bit late, I would like to say a little something that is semi-related to Momma's Day and to Pappa's Day, because my dear, dear friends Neighbor J and Neighbor B are about to beget a littlin'. Any day now, our family will be welcoming a new juvenile into its bosom. (And Neighbor J, I will refrain from making any comments about bosoms, as in your bosoms. Except to say. Wow). And my dear dear friends will become Mom and Dad. As in, their KID will call them Mom and Dad. Not me. Because that would be weird.

In honor of this blessed event, I would like to write a note to Baby Neighbor, the newest Neighbor in our loving familia.

Dear Baby Neighbor,

Hey girlie. It's your Auntie Librarian Girl here. I know you are going to have lots and lots of Aunties and Uncles in your life, as your mom and dad are well-loved, so it may be a little confusing at first. You can just remember me like this: I'm your cool Auntie that is somewhat immature. Everyone has to have one. Ben Gellar had Monica. Darlene Conner had Jackie. Go rent Auntie Mame when you're old enough and you'll get what I'm talking about. I'll be the Aunt that will slip you a twenty and not laugh at you when you're feeling oh. so. dramatic. And, I will laugh at poop and fart jokes. Then again, so will your parents so I guess you're covered there. I will keep you dressed in fabulous outfits, should that be your wish, and I will listen to as many boy stories as you can dish out (or girl stories, should that be your preference).

You'll be meeting Uncle Nordic Boy soon too. He's the one that looks like he's deep in thought all the time and who always has paint stains on his hip clothes. I know you'll love him. Not just because I think he's cool, but because, in little kid circles, he's a complete rock star. I don't know what it is about him, but the kiddies think he is the BOMB. I have seen crowds of little children jump up and down and CHEER when he walks into a room. "YAYYYYYY!" they all say. I don't know what the mystique is. Maybe it's all the cool tools he always has on his person and the way he's always fixing stuff. At any rate, when you're old enough to wield your first hammer, he's the man to show you how to hold it.

There may come a time, when you get close to your teen years, when you start to have conflicts with your parents. I honestly don't know what those conflicts may be, as you are blessed with Extremely Cool Parents. The only fights I can imagine at this point would be some kind of argument over the typeface that you've chosen to use on a
party invite or something. Because kiddo? Your mom is crazy-talented when it comes to graphic design, and her knowledge and aesthetic of fonts and typography are a wee bit scary. So here's a piece of advice for you. Your first ever Auntie advice from Auntie Librarian Girl! A momentous occassion, to be sure. Here it is: do not, for the love of all that is holy, ever use Comic Sans. EVER. Just don't. She may
ground you, just for that. While you're at it, stay away from Jokerman too.

Here's something else. Talking on the phone. Your mom and I like to do this. A lot. We talk on the phone like our lives depend on it. So, if you get to an age where you are talking on the phone a lot, and your mom gets mad at you for doing so, you can use this ammunition to argue your need to be on the phone. Remind her of the hours she has spent talking to HER friend, and how much she relies on that. (Sorry Neighbor J, to give you up like this. I have Cool Auntie duties now, though. It's, like, my job).

Now let me give some advice on your dad. First off, you are going to be the coolest kid around, because your dad is going to rig up some cool ass technology gadgets for you. Forget ipods. You will probably have some sort of music device that pipes music directly into the side of your sunglasses or something. Your friends will be dying of envy. But here's the downside. I'm going to give it to you straight. Do
not let him build you a robot playmate. Oh, he might try. He might tell you it will rock. But don't let him. The kids at school will think it's weird, and you'll be known as Robo-Girl. So cool gadgetry, yes. Creepy robot people to play with, not so much.

So, little girlie, I will save up any further advice for you until you've moved out of your mom's belly. I just thought it was time we get acquainted. I am over the moon excited to meet you, and I'll be cheering you on in whatever you do and I'll be there for you in whatever way you need me. I know you've got two parents that love you to pieces, but you can add me to the list of folks that love you unconditionally. I will always listen to what you have to say, and I'll do anything for you. Those are the Auntie vows I pledge to you.

Oh, and let me know when you need that twenty.

Kiss the rings, I'm out.
Librarian Girl