Thursday, February 15, 2007

Damn Fine Things

This is a belated Valentine's list of things I've been loving lately. Sort of along the lines of Oprah's Good Things. No, wait, Oprah doesn't have Good Things, that's Martha. Oprah is Favorite Things. I think. I can't really keep that straight. Whatever. Let's just say that this is a list of Librarian Girl's Good Nice Lovely Damn Fine Things. And what an eloquent preface to it, if I do say so myself.

1. I saw this episode of Star Trek, The Next Generation the other day, and I noticed that Captain Picard sometimes greets people like this: "REPORT!" No hello. No hey, tell me what's new. No what's up. Just barking out..."REPORT!" I adore this. Next time you want to greet someone, yell "REPORT!" in their face. Preferably with an English accent. It's sexy when he does it.

2. I love the sentence "I shit you not." In response to "really?" or "no way!" or "for reals?" There's something vaguely Shakespearean about that word order, which, when combined with the cussing, adds up to beauty. Heart it.

3. Nordic Boy has the most creative nicknames for me that I never tire of hearing. "Pass the salt, Sweetneck." "Come over here, Sexylocks." "How are you, Smooch-knuckle?" They just roll out, a never-ending stream. Better than a sonnet, I tell you. So, be creative with your nick-namery, my Pretty Lobes out there.

4. When Biology Girl and I call each other on the phone, we can immediately start talking, almost in the middle of a thought, and the other person will totally understand what is being said. For example, the other day, I picked up my phone and she yelled "whoo-hoo!" instead of saying hello. Because I had done something that day that was woo-hoo-worthy. And she knew that, and was calling to express the Love. It's no "REPORT!" but it was still nice.

5. And, speaking of talking on the phone, I, amongst my closest loved ones, have this tendency to answer the phone like an old man. "Yyyyelloh!" is what I belt out. I find this funny. Every time I do it, I find it funny. So it's probably more like this: "Yyyyelloh!...hee hee hee." I imagine myself wearing a big medallion and tinted eye-glasses, like Elliot Gould in Ocean's Eleven. I don't expect you to understand this. It's my own brand of hilarity. Maybe the French would think it's funny. Me and Jerry Lewis. Huge in France. Yyyelloh!...hee hee hee.

6. How ballsy is it for Vera Wang to try and tell us that we need to buy a mattress with her name on it? Way ballsy. Wait, this is a list of things I love. Not things that are stupid. Although, granted, often those are the same things, so it can be hard to keep track.

7. There's a re-mix out right now of that Justin Timberlake song "My Love," where, instead of saying "Because...I can see us holding hands..." etc, he says "be-be-be, be-be-be-be-becaaaaaaause." Have you guys heard this? Now, every time Nordic Boy asks me why something is, I just say "be-be-be, be-be-be-be-becaaaaaause." It's such a joy living with me and not annoying in the slightest, can you tell?

8. Because of the gorgeous Tivo device that lives with me in my home, I don't really see commercials very much any more. However, in the past couple of weeks, I have seen two that are worth noting. First, there was a promotion on some channel where they were going to play all of these Patrcik Swayze movies back to back all weekend. Why one would want to do that is another topic for another day. However, the commercial for this event featured an announcer voice of the monster truck variety screaming "SWAYZE GONE CRAZY!" a bunch of times. Can I just say that that needs to be celebrated, perhaps with its own holiday? How have I lived my whole life without the phrase "Swayze Gone Crazy"? How?

9. Ridiculous commercial #2. There was a promotion on Spike TV (that bastion of high art that is basically the Ultimate Fighting Channel) for re-runs of CSI called "DEATH BY SEX WEEKEND." I really have no commentary to add to this.

10. Neighbor B's dad doesn't say "jist." As in "you get the jist of what I'm saying." He says "jizz." Honestly, he really does. I don't know what kind of regionalism that is, but he honest to god, with no trace of humor, says "you get the jizz of what I'm saying." I shit you not.

Kiss the rings, I'm out.
Librarian Girl


Anonymous said...

If it helps at all, "Yelloooohhh" always cracks me up too. Whoo-hoo to that!

Anonymous said...

You should add to this list, I spied it in your sidebar and subsequently wasted hours working on a list of my own. Love@

Mr. Toast said...

I like "I shit you not" too. One of my other favorite phrases is to raise my right index finger as if I am about to make some profound, earth-shattering proclamation and say, "A shit is the thing of which I have to take" before disappearing into the bathroom for the next hour or two.

The usual response to this is a vague concern that anyone who announces their bowel movements to the world in such a manner just might be in need of professional help. I may laugh, but I don't necessarily deny it either.

Darlene said...

HAHAHAHAHA okay, the 1st question I ask when I answer the phone is "What's up chuck?" and I burst into a fit of laughter each time, even though my kids told my it was only funny the first 1000 times. I saw the advertisment for "Death by Sex" too - sadly I watched it, hoping the sex had to do with Nick didn't.

Sphincter said...

That's so awesome I can't stand it!

Unknown said...

The first thing that comes to my hubbys mouth when he answers the phone is.....

"Tim and Ted's T**ty twisting service, We squeeze to please!"

He does this to all my friends who call my house!

Love your list!! Awesome list!