Wednesday, December 20, 2006


Much of my city's power was out this week, and although literally everyone I knew had no heat, no lights, and a fridge full of spoiled food, our house was not affected. So what did I do with this appreciation for electricity? First, I offered up my house for my friends to crash, take hot showers, and cook a hot meal. Second, since we were out of Netflix, and no electricity meant no video store, we watched The Lord of the Rings on tv. A three hour movie on tv with commercials. That shit it looooong. But, in our watching of said movie, we decided that it would have been infinitely more entertaining if all of the characters talked like us. As in slang-heavy cursers. So, we dubbed. By this I mean we just yelled over the dialogue. Here's some of the gems we came up with. I may have a future in screenwriting.

Gandalf: You shall not pass, you muther-effin' fireballz!

That Elf leader guy who is Mr. Smith in the Matrix: Nine companions. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.
Gimli: And our album drops this Christmas! Peace!

I'll stop there. Ok, wait. A few more things. Why does Saruman remind me of an arena-performing diva, like Cher or Celine Dion? And why does Frodo's elvish armor that he wears under his clothes have to look like an ice-dancing outfit? And how come every time I saw Arwen I wanted to sing "j-j-jaded"? And what kind of hair straightening tool must those elves have? And doesn't Pippin look like Willie Aames, from Charles in Charge and Eight is Enough? And wouldn't it have been cool if they carried the Ring around in a Tiffany box? And don't the Uruk-hai belong in the WWE? And every time Gimli referred to his axe, wouldn't it have been funny if he made the air quotes sign? And doesn't the Dark Lord in the sky look like a big fiery va-jay-jay?

Ok, really. That's quite enough. These are the types of thoughts that run rampant in my mind. Just so you know.

In other news, tis the season for some of our sweet library patrons to bring us loads of baked goodies. There's still graciousness in the world, people. And sometimes it comes in the form of pumpkin bundt cake.

Kiss the rings, I'm out.
Librarian Girl


Sphincter said...

Oh, yeah. Those baking patrons rock!

Desperate Housewife said...

My deep, dark secret is a poster of the hot elf in my closet.
I'm not kidding.
It's really sad.

Anonymous said...

"And wouldn't it have been cool if they carried the Ring around in a Tiffany box?"

Bwahahahaha! I think I am the only person on the planet who hadn't been exposed to Lord of the Rings before it was a movie. I had just told David to wake me when they get to the ring throwing part when the credits rolled. I actually exclaimed, "What?!?! It's over? But it didn't end?" I was barred from seeing the next two installments with my friends. The Tiffany box would have made it much more enjoyable.

Anonymous said...

I have to confess...I am both scared and distrusting of baking library patrons. We had a patron bring us loaves of bread last Christmas at my library. I don't think any of us actually ate it though. Today, she was in the library handing it out to some firemen who were here doing an inspection. (Apparently, she keeps some handy...just in case.) I suppose if we had some non-creepy patrons trying to fatten us up with their baked goods, I might feel differently. Unfortunately, we don't.

Anonymous said...

See, I am afraid of being a creepy purveyor of baked goods. Like with all these Christmas cookies I've been making and stuff, I want to give them away to people - like the homeless guy on my street that always begs for change? I'm a hardened city girl now and I'm not going to give him money, but - how about a Chocolate Crackle Top? Or bag of Peanut Butter Delights? So far I have managed to restrain myself though.

Melinda said...

Friend, I do almost the exact same thing when I see Arwen, except for me it's "Craaaaazy, craaaazy, craaaazy for you baaaaaaby."

Kristin said...

Are you in Denva? I couldn't go back to New Yawk because of that damn blizzard!