Consumables #53

This hibernation thing is getting out of control.


My policy of saying yes to things has gone down the frigging toilet this past month. All I do is stay home, and then decide to stay home some more, with a side of staying home. To be fair, I am feeling very mentally busy lately, rather than my usual vapid self, and all this thinking and plotting and scheming takes TIME. And luckily, most of it can be done from the comfort of my own couch, preferably under a blanket. But still. I had the opportunity to go see Mark Morris last weekend and I just totally didn't feel like going, so I didn't. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? Oh, and in case you were just dying with curiosity about that whole Next Phase of Life thing that I was talking about? Don't hold your breath on that one, because it turns out that planning big things takes a shit ton of time. And also, my definition of a Big Thing is probably not yours. (That's what she said).

Also, remember my policy last year of saying yes to the holidays? How I went all out (at least for me) and Kris Kringled it up? That shit is not happening this year either. I have not given the holidays one itty bitty corner of my mind this year. Not even a little. Honestly I don't really know what month it is. So what happened last year is apparently not a trend.

So, to sum up: policies are all going to shit!

My policy of consumable consuming is still on though.

Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens. Dude, this shit was harsh! I mean, I knew what it was about, but had never read it for real, and poor Oliver gets beat up, beat down, kidnapped, starved. I would sit there and read, and Nordic Boy would say "How's Oliver doing?" and I would say "not good, man. Not good." Also, there was nothing quotable about it in quite the same way as this, one of our favorite things to re-enact in our house:



The 12 Men of Christmas
Lest you think I was going all high-minded on you with my bad Dickensian self, let me share with you the joy that is The 12 Men of Christmas, a Lifetime Original Movie starring Kristen Chenoweth and the dude from Cougartown. Kristen stars as a high-powered career gal who is lonely and loveless (surprise!). She loses her PR job when her bitchy career gal boss humps Kristen's skeezy big city boyfriend. A small town in Montana somehow gets her number and wants to hire her for a year to live there and drum up PR for tourism for their town, aka she is totally Northern Exposured. She goes to Montana and doesn't understand those crazy small towners! They volunteer, as in work without being paid, and no one in the city ever does that! She has never heard of such a thing. They also hug you when you show up for business meetings. And there is also a dickish guy who is mean and condescending to her, which is a drop dead signal that they will end up together by the end of this thing, because if you are dicky to a lady, that just shows her you are passionate and adorable. Take note, fellas! Anyway, Kristin's brilliant, completely original, never-thought-of-before idea is that the town's hot dudes will be featured in a racy calendar. So Northern Exposure has now turned into a Full Monty/Calendar Girls hybrid. And you know what? The calendar makes the town WORLD FAMOUS. And Kristen gets the man at the end (causing it to snow). Side note: you know how you can tell a Hallmark Original Holiday movie from a Lifetime Original Holiday movie? Lifetime is racier. For instance, Kristen finds herself in a situation where she happens upon a swimming pool where Cougartown man is skinny dipping. As you do. And he decides to flirt with her by getting out of the pool nude and being assy to her (both physically and metaphorically) which hey, that isn't creepy and prosecutable! And she looks him up and down and says: "not interested." and he says something like: "I bet you I can make your interest GROW." There was also a fishing lesson whereby he asks her to be gentle with the rod or some such thing. Oh, Lifetime.

Hey you guys. I just wrote four sentences about Dickens and about twenty on the 12 Men of Christmas. I should be so proud.

NOVA: Fabric of the Cosmos
Brian Green (or, as I like to imagine him, Brian Austin Green) talks trippy physics. I am also convinced that he creates a time-space distortion that is created within the confines of the show. Evidence: while I am watching it, I totally understand everything he is saying. As soon as it's over, I can't explain shit.

Lastly, just when I think I could not love Jon Stewart any more than I do, he goes and does this. I frigging love it so much.