Friday, October 05, 2012


My birthday is this weekend, and I gotta say, I am feeling super good about the birthday this year. Like, not just an excited birthday feeling because I have a lot of things planned (which I am because I do), but a bigger, better birthday feeling. I know that birthdays are sort of meaningless, really- I mean we are aging all the time and so marking a particular day and feeling like we are all of a sudden older on that day is sort of weird when you think about it. But birthdays are a time to look around at one's life, and take stock, and think about how things are going. And for me, this week, I have been feeling good, just deep down in my soul. 2011 was, in a way, about letting go of 2 people that I was trying to keep in my life who- when I really took a look at the truth of it-didn't really want to be there. So I let them go, and it was really, really sad, and I was sort of preoccupied a lot of the time with the fact that those people were missing. 2 core people who had kind of always been there for me for years and years and years, were just gone. Even though I didn't wallow, I did sort of feel like it was in the back of my mind a lot of the time. It was like I was walking around with these ghosts of people who I loved so much that just didn't love me back. It was hard to eat that, but eat it I did. I kind of didn't have a choice, I guess. I have to say that as hard as it was, I took it like a champ, which is something.

This past year though, I feel like that phase is finally passing, and just in the past month or so it really feels different. I just feel... better. More than better. I feel really good. I think the ghosts are- if not gone- then at least they don't live with me all the time now.

Last night, Nordic Boy was doing the dishes, and I was reading a book, and the new Tegan and Sara song came on, and Nordic Boy came out of the kitchen swinging a dish towel around in that silly way of his, and pulled me out of my chair, hit "repeat" and we danced. We laughed, and jumped, and Saturday-Night-Fevered, and dipped, and were breathless, and just got our boogie on in our living room, and I thought to myself, yay for me. I am still loved, and I'm not even talking about that gorgeous Nordic Boy of mine. I'm talking about me. I heard my own laugh and I felt my body moving around and I felt the parts of my soul that are still open to things, to people, to fun, to life, and I thought: ah, yes, now I remember.  I am kind of awesome. I really love being me. Look at that girl, I thought to myself. She pretty much rocks it. I love her.

Go dance around and think about how awesome you are. It's really so necessary, you guys.


Rachel said...

Listen to yourself, you know what is up! You are awesome and deserve only the best.

dizz said...

Happy birthday to you! Have an awesome day x

Kathleen said...

Happy Birthday!
I love your attitude towards your birthday, well, because it mirrors my own. As I get older, I find that others try to make me feel bad about this attitude, that it's childish to place any importance on the day, want to do something special-even if it's just to take the day off from work-for my birthday. I love to take a moment around my birthday to step back and reflect, a sort of personal New Year's Day in a way.

Jill said...

Happy Birthday!

Friendships ebb and flow. Maybe thins are just ebbing with these two for now.

I hope you have a wonderful impromptu dance-filled day.

Katie K said...

A very, very happy birthday to you--this is wonderful to read and yes, fine, I'm tearing up. You deserve such nice things and I'm glad that you have them.

I have a birthday coming up in November; I might need to come back and re-read this as a reminder.

cadiz12 said...

happy belated! what a beautiful thing, to be loved by him and by yourself.