Weird Auntie Status? Check.

You know what I want for my birthday? To not get a cold or the flu (porcine or otherwise). Libraryland is RIFE with illness all of a sudden and I do not want a piece of that action, no way. October is not the ideal time to have a birthday I have discovered, because oftentimes this is when the weather changes and sickness happens and then I spend my birthday with a box of tissue and a snotty face. Or I am fine but Nordic Boy is the one with mucus issues.

In past years I have had grand plans for birthdayness- parties, hot dates, fancy dinners, sweet treats. Not this year. I just want to be snot-free. See how Birthday Madness Lady has calmed down over the years?

In other news, yesterday I started to write a blog post and it was all doldrums and blah and pbbbt. I don't know what had my panties in a twist (other than Nordic Boy is gone on another trip this week which seriously harshes my mellow when it's for three or more days in a row and I know this is not a huge problem in the grand scheme of things and I am being a giant baby but that's just the way I be's sometimes) but I just could not come up with something to make myself smile which is the whole point of this blog.

And then! You know what happened? I found out that one of my top ten most favoritest friends in the whole world is hella preggers! And it just took my panties right out of that twist (wow, that sounded kind of inappropriate, but you know what I mean). Seriously, I think I almost went to the squealy jumpy place, which I like to think I am incapable of doing. But it's just too, too happy.

So yeah. Doldrums are gone. That's usually what happens when I start to go to the stupid place. Not the getting pregnant part- I don't want you to think that my bad moods cause hyper-fertility or anything. I just mean that when I start to have a whine and cheese party, something usually makes me snap the hell out of it and remember how awesome things can be.

Does that sound Pollyanna-ish? I DON'T CARE. I'm gonna be an auntie. A weird auntie? Yes. Tell me something I don't know.

Orchards, I say Uncle

This weekend!

I almost had a friggin' heart attack because my iphone froze up and I couldn't get it to unfreeze. I realized, as I was freaking the eff out, that it really probably wasn't healthy for me to care that much about a phone. But I went there. To the bad place. About my phone. And then Nordic Boy fixed it! I love that guy. And by that guy, I mean my phone.

I was sort of mad that the Project Runway folks kept using the term "snoozefest" last week. Snoozefest is like, MY WORD, and they were using it! I was reminded by loved ones that I did not coin the phrase snoozefest nor do I have any rights on telling Heidi Klum she can't use it. But still. I felt robbed. Much like Christopher and Epperson must have felt.

I went on a pilgrimmage to find an apple orchard with a storefront that sells doughnuts and cider. I do this annually, and wrote about it a couple of years ago. When I was a kid, my parents always took me to this orchard in Michigan and I would run around in the leaves and we would drink cider and eat doughnuts and it's a memory that is just about as perfect as one can get. You know what's hard? Trying to recreate a perfect memory. It's not really possible, is what I am learning. Sometimes you have to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em, and I think I need to give up on the orchard quest now. I gave it a good shot for a few years, but the disappointment is just a little too much for me each time.

Still, there were good things about this orchard, even if it's not the orchard of my dreams. There was a pumpkin patch that was pretty and made me wonder if the Great Pumpkin was going to visit next month.



Also at the orchard, there was a bunch of goats that were chewing everything and peeing themselves to kingdom come. Which is not really a great thing, I suppose. But it was notable. Goats may not have many talents, but if you want someone to chew stuff and lay some poops and peeps everywhere, goats are the tops. Everyone's got something to be good at.

I got called out on Facebook by Nordic Boy who decided that he needed to post on BioGirl's wall that this is the season where I begin my annual reign as a "holiday Scrooge." First of all, that is rich, coming from that dude. Second of all, he never logs in to Facebook, like, ever, and the one time he does it's to name-call me? Humpf. Third of all, I beg to differ about this defamation. I am not a Scrooge (despite the fact that I just said "humpf"). I am holiday-indifferent. Totally not the same. I am even benevolently indifferent. Really. Truly. Also, perhaps a little bit holiday-defensive.

Oh, and by the way, you guys? Apparently don't have any blog recommendations. Because out of all yall I think I got four blog recs. FOUR. That is sad to me. Is bloggyland that unexciting?

Come on, you know you want to recommend one. Just one. Your top pick. Give it to me.

Librarian Girl

Smizing at Garfield

Random things rattling around in my noggin...

1. Remember when I told you that when I was a kid, I thought the band Depeche Mode was pronounced "Duh-Peachy Mode?" Well, check this out.


It's times like these when I realize that I have never had an original thought, ever.

2. Lots of my favorite bloggy superstar favorites seem to be slowing down with the posting these days. This must be what it feels like when you get old and all your friends start dying off. Wow, did I just say that? Because yeah, Librarian Girl, that is totally the same thing. Yeesh. ANYWAY. Tell me, friends, who are your favorite bloggers? Who should I be reading? My google reader is so frickin' quiet these days.

3. I was at a fundraising event recently where they were giving out t-shirts. I went up to the t-shirt-giver-outer and asked for one in my size (small or medium). She looked me up and down and said in quite a tone "we only have large and extra large left, so I'm giving you an extra large. I am trying to save the larges for the truly smaller people." I am not one to usually be sensitive about body issues, but OUCH.

4. Everywhere I go, fire alarms seem to have gone off about a half hour before I arrive. I am wondering how I should interpret this.

5. Someone needs to do a study on the cognitive development of elementary school kids and what happens in their brains that makes them want Garfield comics so very badly when they come to the library. Because, man, they can not get enough of that cat.

6. I just realized this week that my birthday is a week and a half away, and for plans? ZILCH. I know Nordic Boy is cooking something up, but other than that, this may be a quiet one. I am just not feeling like a party this year. (This is where I turn to myself and say "Self? I don't even know who you ARE anymore!")

7. Is it just me or is smizing just a fancy word for squinting? How come nobody is calling Tyra out on this? Because, you know, with all that is going on in the world today, we should all be spending our time calling Tyra out on her weird word creation. Who's with me?

Bah, I'm going to bed.

Memery Glands

Well, let's see. Any good anecdotes to tell this week? Anything funny happen on the way to the forum, or the library, or wherever? Anything at all? Anything?

I got nothing. Really. Zippola.

Hence, you get a meme. As you may recall, I sort of stink at memes. That's ok though. It's my blog and I'll stink if I want to.

THE 99 THINGS MEME (or as many as I feel like before I peter out, which will probably be only half)
How many of these have you done?

1. Started your own blog.
Duh.

2. Slept under the stars.
Technically, aren't we always sleeping under the stars? Does this mean, like, sleeping so we can see the stars? But if we are sleeping, how can we see the stars, you know, with our eyes closed? This kind of overthinking is why I suck at memes. I'm just going to say YES on this one.

3. Played in a band.
I had almost forgotten the idiocy, but I have totally done this! In college! I was THE LEAD SINGER. We did covers of 10,000 Maniacs songs and the like. Who was that girl?

4. Visited Hawaii.
Technically I have only been in the airport a bunch of times on layovers to get back and forth from here to Fiji. Still. I have visited. I am counting it.

5. Watched a meteor shower.
Hope it uses soap! HAR HAR HAAAAR.

6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
I went through a phase, when I got first got a grown up job, where I was giving away everything to anyone that looked at me funny, just because I COULD. But then, oops, where's the grocery money? I learned my lesson fast on that one.

7. Been to Disneyland/world.
I know that I'm not supposed to say this because the hipsters will hate me, but I LOVED IT THERE. I was 10 at the time though, so maybe that explains it.

8. Climbed a mountain.
Depends on your definition of "climbed." I have walked up the side of a steep trail that eventually goes up into true climbing to get to the top. I was lightheaded from the air getting thin. That counts, right? I'm counting it.

9. Held a praying mantis.
My brother went through a phase when we were kids where he was obsessed with praying mantises. So, yes, I held one. I was like four. And I was scared shitless. Which was part of the entertainment for my brother, I am sure.

10. Sang a solo.
Yes. Many times. This meme is making me sound like a big singer or something. Don't believe the hype.

11. Bungee jumped.
Hell to the N-O.

12. Visited Paris.
Nopesy doodle.

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
So, like, while I was at sea? Or watching the storm, which was at sea, but when I was on land? CLARITY, MEME WRITER.

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
Yeps.

15. Adopted a child.
No. I thought about it for a while though.

16. Had food poisoning.
Nope. I have a stomach of steel. (TMI?)

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
I was carried to the top of the Statue of Liberty when I was a baby, with my parents. I don't remember it though, and technically I didn't WALK, so I'm not counting it.

18. Grown your own vegetables.
Nope, but my parents always did, so I got put to work on that shit quite a lot as a child. And Nordic Boy has, so I have been near a lot of gardeners. Near enough to where I can probably claim credit. But I won't.

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
No. This meme writer is kind of focused on France.

20. Slept on an overnight train.
I have always wanted to do this. I think that's common when you are a classic movie lover. It probably sucks in real life though so I should just leave it a dream.

21. Had a pillow fight.
Well, I'm a girl and according to pop culture, we are all about pillow fights in our underwear, so yeah. Obviously.

22. Hitch hiked.
My mom would have killed me with her own bare hands had I ever done that.

23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill.
Man, when I worked at the Job From Hell, I did this like it was going out of style. That job sort of did make me feel sick though. It makes me sick just thinking about it now, actually.

24. Built a snow fort.
Hello? Born and raised in Michigan? Snow fort construction is in my DNA.

25. Held a lamb.
Petted, yes. Held? I am not sure I can with confidence say that I HELD one.

26. Gone skinny dipping.
Yes indeed, I dipped my skinny right in the water. I think the first time I did that I was in high school, and it was at Map's house. And there were boys there. Scandal! (Map, do you remember this?)

27. Run a marathon.
Remember what I said about bungee jumping? That goes double for marathon running.

28. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
Nope. I've ridden a canoe in Lake Washington though. Same thing? Sort of? A little?

29. Seen a total eclipse.
OF THE HEART. Come on, you knew I was gonna say that.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
Yes, both. Who hasn't done this? This one must be a freebie so that meme takers won't feel bad if they haven't done any of the other things.

31. Hit a home run.
Oh baby.

32. Been on a cruise.
Nope, and don't want to. Ever. I have a bonafide THING about cruises.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
Yes. That town in the gaudiest mothershanker of a place, and I loved it.

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
Some of them. Not all of them. Who has been to the birthplace of ALL of their ancestors? I mean, that's a lot of people, no matter who you are.

35. Seen an Amish community.
No.

36. Taught yourself a new language.
Any languages I've learned have been taught to me. I can't imagine learning a language by myself.

37.Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
Ever since I became a librarian, I have joined the middle class, and I gotta say, it doesn't suck. I worry a lot less than ever before, and I don't really even make a whole lot relatively speaking.

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
Nope.

39. Gone rock climbing.
Nope. Unless you count those fake rock climbing walls. Which, hey, let's count that.

40. Seen Michelangelo's David in person.
Nope.

41. Sung Karaoke.
Yes indeed, but not very often. People I know are way too cool to do shit like that, which is kind of a drag.

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
Oh baby. (Too much?)

43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant.
Nope. That seems like a recipe for getting hit on, don't it?

44. Visited Africa.
Nope. And meme writer, it bugs me when people just say Africa like it's one monolithic place instead of a continent with a jillion different countries. In case you were wanting my feedback.

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
Yes. It was even better than a Massengil commercial.

46. Been transported in an ambulance.
Yeah, it was really scary. I was not the patient, I was with the patient. But still, not nice.

47. Had your portrait painted.
Yes. The artist was an assmunch. But the painting was good. Isn't that just the way?

48. Gone deep sea fishing.
Nope, no kind of fishing, thanks.

49. Seen the Sistine chapel in person.
Nope.

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
Oh my god, no, ok?

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.
No, but if you're from Fiji you kind of don't have to. You bump into crazy sea creatures no matter what you do.

52. Kissed in the rain.
Again, this seems like a freebie.

53. Played in the mud.
Ok, now the meme is just getting stupid.

54. Gone to a drive-in theater.
Yes, lots of times. The first one I ever went to was Grease.

55. Been in a movie.
Like, what? A feature film blockbuster? Or a home movie? Or a Kim Kardashian sexy time movie? Or a film student project? I'm totally counting this one too.

56. Started a business.
Nope. But if I did, I would call it a bidnass.

57. Taken a martial arts class.
I took a self defense class that was martial arts-ish. We got to kick the balls of the dude in the giant padded suit, grasshopper.

58. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
No. I was kicked out of Brownies before I could graduate to Girl Scouts. Long story.

59. Gone whale watching.
Not on purpose, but I have seen whales in the water just like, on accident.

60. Gotten flowers for no reason.
Well, flowers are always for a reason, aren't they? Like, even if it's just an ordinary day of "I love you" or "thanks for dinner" or whatever? I am being difficult.

61. Gone sky diving.
I'm from Flint, I grew up facing death. Sky diving? Whatevs.

62. Toured the Everglades.
No. I am actually fairly well-traveled, but this meme makes me sound like I have missed EVERYTHING.

63. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London.
Yes. It was actually more exciting than it seems like it would be.

64. Broken a bone.
Yes, in 5th grade. And I kept going to ballet classes with a big old cast on my arm because I was a 5th grade badass.

65. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
Yes. Clutching a hot dude all the while. At least I thought he was hot at the time. I can't vouch for my 17-year-old taste.

66. Published a book.
No, but I have been published in a book. Counting it.

67. Bought a brand new car.
Yes. It's a royal pain in the hoohah.

68. Had your picture in the newspaper.
Yes, I did a lot when I was a kid.

69. Visited the White House.
Nope. I think I did every touristy thing in DC except the White House. That's sort of weird.

70. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
No, but I have been up close and personal on it being done. It smells weird, and there is a lot of blood involved. A whole lot a lot. Is that obvious? Shut up, I'm from the city.

71. Met someone famous.
Yes, plenty. Famous people aren't so special. In fact, many are assholes.

72. Joined a book club.
Yes. I think my librarian papers would be revoked if I hadn't.

73. Lost a loved one.
Yes.

74. Had a baby.
In the same category as running a marathon or bungee jumping.

Ok I am bored now, and if you aren't catching some serious z's reading this, you must be an android or something.

I quit.

The end.

I think I blinded the contractor dude

This weekend I...

...slept until I woke up, without the use of alarm clocks or a jostle from early bird extraordinaire, aka Nordic Boy.
...celebrated an anniversary with Nordic Boy. It was a secondary anniversary (you know, like the day you first kiss your honey, or the day you get engaged, or the day you move in together), so we didn't have a big hootenanny about it or anything. Just a teensy hootenanny. More like a hooten, without the nanny.
...saw the Informant and realized that they could pretty much just put a picture of Matt Damon looking like that on the screen and I would laugh at it. I am easily amused, tis true.
...went almost wild with jealousy that PQK got to meet Bunk Moreland. WILD with jealousy, I tell you. WILD. First she gets an internship with Stephen Colbert and now this. If she writes me next week and tells me she has met Dolly Parton or Tina Fey or Eddie Izzard or some shit like that, I will bust a nut, I swear it right now.
...met a new friend, A. And when I say new, I mean brand spanking new. She was born 5 weeks ago to my gorgeous friends H and J. I hereby declare her a sweet little pumpkin of the highest order.
...started my annual freak out about the fact that I don't own any non-summer clothes.
...stayed up until 2am watching Dirty Dancing on tv. I hadn't seen it in its entirety for a long ass time. I have discovered that for all my love of cheese, there is a scene in Dirty Dancing that exceeds my cheese-tolerance level. I knew it was coming and I literally had to leave the room because I could not bear to watch it with Nordic Boy because I was just too embarrassed for the both of us to be witnessing it together. Maybe it was the lateness of the hour and my cheese immune system was down, but the cringey-ness was TOO MUCH. It's the moment at the very end, during the final dance, when Swayze lip synchs the "Time of Your Life" song to Baby Francis. I just couldn't do it. I had to walk away.
...re-appreciated the "pickle on everybody's plate" line from Dirty Dancing. This made up for the lip synch trauma.
...was in my house minding my own business one morning when the contractors who are working on our deck showed up and knocked on our door (Nordic Boy was out and had assured me that I wouldn't have to interact with the contractors). I had to answer the door wearing what Nordic Boy calls my "pajama tuxedo" because it is a flannel number that renders me in full-body garishness (light blue with neon green and blue polka dots all the heck over it from head to toe). What we failed to realize is that contractors sometimes need to pee and will therefore knock on one's door to ask to use the bathroom. I am all mortified that a non-Nordic-Boy human has seen me in my pajama tuxedo. The horror.

A Big Peeth!

Across the street from our house are a row of houses, all inhabited by families with little kids. There are a lot of kiddie sounds wafting through our open windows when it's nice out, and it is a bonafide ruckus a lot of the time, but as I grew up in a neighborhood where there were always rugrats running the streets, I love this sound.

One family across the street from us is a family of folks we like to call the Weasleys. The reason we call them that is that there is a neverending string of little red-haired boys from teeny tiny to teenage, with a tousled-looking red-haired dad and a tired-looking auburn haired mom. The only thing they are missing is a Ginny. (And by the way, I was telling this whole thing to a friend of mine who had no idea who the Weasleys are and what kind of planet are they on, can I ask you? How did I manage to collect such a non-geeky friend?) The Weasleys are always doing things that crack my shit up. Yesterday? I came home from work and as I was walking up the sidewalk, a little Weasley boy (about 8 years old) was challenging his older Weasley brother (about 13) with a toy light saber. As he did, he was yelling out, with full lisp: "DO YOU WANT A PEETH OF ME? DO YOU WANT A PEETH OF ME????"

So. Awesome.

In other neighborhood news, we have this gigantic deck outside of our front door which we can't use, because (a) Nordic Boy has had to strip it so that it can be waterproofed which took all summer, (b) it overlooks the next door neighbor's house from hell and so Nordic Boy has to build a trellis to block the hideous view, and (c) the deck is of lower home renovation priority and so Nordic Boy uses it to rig up all his tools and materials for more important projects which means there isn't any room for me to put out patio furniture or anything. At any rate (wow, that was a long preface for the small point I am about to make), as part of the waterproofing process, Nordic Boy stripped off these rubber strips that were glued to the deck floor by the previous owners (because nothing says "let's have a barbecue!" like hot black rubber strips as a flooring), leaving bits of tar on the cement floor. We can't put any new decking on that cement without getting rid of all the tar bits, which Nordic Boy could do himself (because god forbid anyone else touch our house but him) but he figured out that this is one of those rare cases where having someone else do it is actually cheaper than him doing it (due to the cost of renting the equipment needed). So, GASP, we have hired contractors to clean the tar off the deck! ACTUAL OTHER PEOPLE WILL TOUCH OUR HOME.

This gives Nordic Boy such a rash, I can't even tell you.

I am sort of expecting that if they mess anything up (Nordic Boy is the pickiest, most perfectionist mothereffer you will ever meet in your life) that he might need a light saber. YOU WANT A PEETH OF ME? DO YOU???

Make Out Mania

Allison and Map came to visit me last weekend. And there were moments where I laughed so hard that I could have DIED.

Do you have any friends in your life that have known you your whole life? The friends where you can say anything about your life, and I mean ANYTHING, from your first day of kindergarten to your worst day of driver's ed to your First Time, and they will know every person you refer to, every teacher you ever had, every embarrassing thing you ever did? It is sort of awesome.

Can I ask you this in all honesty? Was there a lot of making out when you were in high school? Because there was a lot of making out when we were in high school. I mean, left and right. Sometimes when we talk about high school now, I wonder if we and our friends ever did anything else except for make out with boys. It's like we were in a permanent liplock for four straight years. Hormonal much? Yes, very, very much.

The upside of this now is that there are some FUNNY ASS STORIES that come out of the whole thing. Some of which we didn't share with each other at the time because we were Playing It Cool back then, dontchaknow. But now we know that we were not cool and were never cool and so why shouldn't we get some entertainment value out of the whole mess? Result: awesome stories. I shall tell you some now, shall I? I won't go into whether these stories are mine, or Alli's, or Map's. Because maybe they might not want a particular one attributed to them (in case one of us wants to still Play It Cool just a teensy bit) so I'll leave that a bit hazy. I'll just meld us all into one person and call us Liballimap, cool? Cool. Enjoy the teen madness.

One time, Liballimap went on a double date to the movies. Her date was Sam. The other couple was Mike and Jen. It was Liballimap's firstish date with Sam, and she was a bit nervous. And do you know that during this date, Mike and Jen were making out (or "mashing" as we used to call it) non-stop the entire time, right in front of Liballimap, and Sam, and whoever else happened to be loitering around them? This seems bad enough, but it was not just regular kissing that Mike and Jen were engaged in. Nope. Rather, every time they got a chance, Jen would CLIMB ONTO MIKE'S LAP and straddle him to make out. Right out there, BAM. Every two seconds! She did this at the movies, she did this every time Mike was sitting down, anywhere. Mike sits down, and whammo, Jen is friggin' mounting him. Sam and Liballimap were horrified, but didn't say anything. Because when you are in high school and Playing It Cool, then why would you say anything? Just turn red and don't make eye contact. It's in the Playing It Cool handbook. On the way home from the double date with the Sitter and the Straddler, they stop at a red light. Guess what? Jen hops on Mike for a full frontal make out AT THE LIGHT. Poor Sam and Liballimap cower against their respective doors in the back seat. And Liballimap happens to look out the window, and who is in the next car over? Her grandma of course. Nice. Liballimap scrunches way down in her seat and her grandma never had to know that Liballimap was in a car with the Sitter and the Straddler.

Liballimap, after a party, is kissed by her crush, Malcolm. It is a surprise-attack kiss where he sort of jumps on her the way PeeWee Herman did to Penelope in Big Top Peewee. After the kiss, which was pretty long and just might qualify as mashing, he disentangles himself and runs away. He actually, literally, runs away. Fast. They never speak of the kiss again and pretty much act like they don't know each other when they get back to school.

Another time, in 10th grade, Liballimap spent the night with her friend. After the friend's parents went to bed, they sneaked out of the house and went to a party. At the party, Liballimap meets up with a boy named Luke who makes the big move. They make out on a couch in some random room of this party. While making out, he blows his wad right through his pants. Only, it wasn't on his pants. Rather, it was all over his shirt. As no clothing was undone, Liballimap is confused about the physics of this scenario to this very day.

Maybe you have to know all of the players involved in these stories to think they are funny, but I keep thinking about them all week and giggling at the most inopportune moments. I don't know if having them here last weekend has just made me more giggly in general (which is quite a feat), but lots of things are making me crack up. Among them:

1. The 5 million stories we told akin to the ones above.
2. President Obama calling Kanye West a jackass.
3. A bumper sticker I saw this week that said "Nice Truck. Sorry about your small pee-pee."
4. Nordic Boy and I yelling "YOU LIE!" at each other every time something goes awry in our lives.
5. These earrings the Allison's husband found and told her I had to have. She brought them all the way from Chicago and I LOVE THEM.

My Pops is the Tops

Today is my dad's 80th birthday. Eighty, people. EIGHT TEE. To all his health issues, the fuckers that they are, I say this: EAT THAT.

This is where I flip the everloving bird at all of his incurable illnesses. With both hands.

In honor of my dad, here are some daddish anecdotes.

1. My dad thinks that story problems are fun. I think it was because when he was growing up they didn't have tv or radio or no shit like that so apparently they would sit around at night and do brain teasers with each other, those party animals. There were times when we were growing up that we would be sitting around our living room and my dad would start in with "a train leaves New York City at 64 miles an hour and another leaves Philadelphia at 72 miles an hour..." This would be met with a round of kiddie groans and that was usually the end of that. He never stopped trying to get us excited about it though, bless his heart. And he never succeeded.

2. My dad can only be described as a little old man. He is small, wizened and weighs about a buck twenty. However, when he sneezes? He scares people with the sheer loudness. And causes walls and floors to shake a little bit.

3. My dad got me a complete set of Alice Walker books for my 13th birthday and a subscription to Ms. Magazine on my 14th birthday. Feminist dads rock.

4. When my parents were growing up in Fiji, it was a British colony. At that time, the whities in charge picked one person from the whole country to go off and get educated overseas. They picked the one (male) kid annually who had the best grades and test scores. My dad was that kid. Out of his whole friggin' country you get one shot per year, and my dad got it. Pretty cool, right? Except try and bring home a report card from school to that guy when you get a D in Chemistry. Not that I did that or anything. Cough cough.

5. No matter what is going on with my dad with all his crazy scary health issues, he always asks me how I am doing and really listens to the answer. I have called him when he is lying in a hospital bed and it won't take long for him to say "how is your day going?" This sort of amazes me each time, no matter how consistently he does it.

6. My dad mixes food in a most disturbing way. I have seen him eating spaghetti sandwiches, or putting cold salad into his lentil soup. It's just not right. He is also the loudest cruncher in the history of North America. God forbid you give him a carrot- you better put on your earplugs.

7. My dad wore ties to work every day. I used to sit on the edge of the bathroom counter and watch him tie them. When he retired and didn't wear ties anymore, I took them. I have about 20 in my closet. I don't know what I will do with them, but I love those ties.

8. My dad, more than anything else I can say about him, is kind. To everyone. I aspire to that. Maybe by the time I am 80 I will get there.

Yay, pappa! As I wrote in a card when I was 6 years old: I love you way big.

Hair Apparent

My beloved friends are gone, I am totally wiped, and will regale you soon. While they were here, many childhood stories were told. Whenever this happens, names come up in conversation and then yearbooks must be consulted in order to remind ourselves who was who. Simultaneously, gems like this are found in said yearbooks.



You're welcome.

Septembah

Oh internets, where have you been? I have missed the feeling of your pixels on my eyeballs. So many things to say to you; shall we catch up? Let's shall.

1. I have been watching "My Antonio" on vh1. I know it is shameful so I thought I would confess it right up front. For those of you who don't know, Antonio was a semi-famous underwear model from the 90s whose main claim to fame besides filling out a pair of tighty whiteys was that he was on General Hospital for a minute and also in a Janet Jackson video with Djimon Hounsou. And now, he is looking for love. On vh1. And he takes himself very, very seriously. And he has a group of ladies on the show and he kicks them off, one by one, each week. What would reality tv be like if there was no kicking people off week by week? It's like, the law of the universe that someone must be eliminated every 7 days or the world will end. I have discovered that I need to have one tv show in my life at a time that causes me to hurl enraged epithets at the screen and then wonder why I just wasted 30 minutes of my time doing so. This month, it is Antonio who will incur my wrath. What this says about me as a person I don't know and if you know I am sure I don't want you to tell me.

2. I was in Portland last week, and I really should have told all of you that before I went, instead of posting hastily about it in a Portland hotel room 2 minutes before walking out the door. I returned only to find lots of comments and emails with all sorts of suggestions on what I should have seen and done instead of what I actually did do, which was wander the streets in an aimless manner, drifting in and out of shopping and eating establishments. At least I have this list for next time. You guys are awesome, it is once again proven.

3. This week, Nordic Boy is in Portland yet again and now that I have seen the swank in which he is bathed when he goes there, I am even more jealous than ever before. Sigh.

4. I bet all of you non-Pacific-Northwesterners are wondering why I keep talking about Portland. I know that before I moved to Seattle, I didn't know shit about Portland. Who cares about Portland? Let me tell you something, YOU SHOULD. It is such a fun city, people. So many cool things about it, it is hard for me to list. Seattle, yeah yeah, San Francisco, sure ok, but Portland? It's all kinds of awesome. Trust me on this.

5. My two girlie pals who I have known since I was spawned are coming to town tomorrow and I am trying to act all nonchalant about it today but I am so excited that I fear my brains might pop out of my skull, or my guts may pop out of my belly, or something equally disgusting.

6. Three shout-outs today. Yes, I just said "shout-outs." That makes me feel like the incredibly unhip teacher that I had in high school that used to call us "cats" sometimes when he wanted to seem cool. At any rate. Shout-outs. One, to Pop Quiz Kid, who is a newbie in the Big Apple and will soon be running a city wide empire to rival the Trumpster that includes her own tv show, real estate developing, telling people they are fired, and marketing her own line of steak meat. Two, to the Lovechild, who is hightailing it out of the Midwest to make her way on the West Coast (hmm, that sounds like something I would do) which means that between her and the Pop Quiz Kid they can have a Tupac/Biggie style East Coast West Coast rivalry with each other except without the murder and stuff like that. And three, to Josh and the Metallurgist, who moved on up to the lower east side to finally get a piece of the pie. I hope that you have your very own Mr. Bentley who will come over and let you walk on his back, because don't we all need a neighbor like that?

7. We bought some storage bins this week. They had this sticker on them as a reminder that we should not enclose our babies in plastic bins for they are our future and they can't lead the way if they are in bins.





8. Summer in Seattle is pretty much over. Phhhhhhhhbbbbbt.

Maybe I'll Meet Bill Murray in the Hotel Bar

Furlough Day 3 started in much the same manner as the rest of the days, full of regular day-off activities. I took Nordic Boy to work.



I ate breakfast with Ellen.



I went and got my hairs cutted.



I forgot to eat breakfast so I ate entirely too much for lunch with BioGirl.



Then, I went home and packed a little bag and Nordic Boy picked me up for a business trip to Portland.


Only I really have no business in Portland other than to eat the most delicious zuccini/mint/peanu/pecorino salad ever made.



Now, I am sitting in the hotel room and toying with the idea of just soaking up the swank all day eating bon bons or whatever it is people do when they lie about in swanky hotel rooms. But the sunny skies outside are beckoning.

Any thoughts from Portland experts on where to go and what to do? I am overly well-acquainted with the shopping possibilities already (Imelda's shoes, I have my eye on you) so I have that aspect covered. Other ideas? I'm open! Where do they serve the best bon bons?

Do They Take Teams on Project Runway?

Lately, I have been thinking about the concept of uniforms. They came up in conversation a week ago, and since then I have been thinking about them. As a concept. What do they say? Why are they relevant? Who wears them? Who doesn't?

I think about clothes a lot, y'all. In all forms.

All of this thinking about uniforms made me a little sarcastic about the whole thing. Who would go with me in my sarcasm? Oh, hmmm, let me think.

Me: You know what I think? I think we should have a uniform.
Him: Who we?
Me: Us, we. You and me.
Him: For what?
Me: For like, us. Our Family Uniform. We need to make a statement. About who we are as a family.
Him: Ok.
Me: It would denote that we are together, right?
Him: Because dressing alike is always a good look for a couple.
Me: Always.
Him: Good. Agreed. I'm in.
Me: What should it look like?
Him: Well, we are all about laid back chic.
Me: Wow.
Him: Plus, we are a hetero couple, who has been together for a long time. So I think we do a play on the jogging suit. Because nothing says hetero old couple like matching jogging suits, right?
Me: I like it.
Him: Velour for winter and satin for summer.
Me: Obviously.
Him: Stripes down the sides of the arms and legs.
Me: Ok.
Him: Only, the stripes are bedazzled.
Me: Rhinestones?
Him: Pssh. DIAMONDS.
Me: Classy!
Him: Sewn onto the stripes, which are in turn sewn on by metallic gold thread.
Me: Love! It!
Him: We need to have our names embroidered on the chest, also in metallic gold thread.
Me: Not just our names, but pet names.
Him: I'll be Icy, and you be Hottie.
Me: You are a genius.
Him: And then, embroidered across the back of the jacket, it says "Friends and Lovers."
Me: In curly lettering, of course.
Him: Of course.
Me: Shoes?
Him: I'm thinking moon boots.
Me: Wow.
Him: What's more romantic than the moon? Nothing!
Me: So why not have boots that remind one of the moon?
Him: Exactly.
Me: Accessories?
Him: Sunglasses in the shape of stars.
Me: Still going with the romantic sky theme.
Him: And a Crocodile Dundee style hat, with a string under the chin.
Me: Because?
Him: We are wild and untamed.
Me: Nice. This all came rolling out of you so easily.
Him: I was inspired.
Me: We didn't talk color palette.
Him: What do you think?
Me: How about a lavender suit with the stripes in orange?
Him: Whoa. No way.
Me: Why not?
Him: I mean, I don't want it to look WEIRD or anything.
Me: Right. Sorry.

Furlough, Low, Low, Low, Low, Low, Low

The weekend was a big fat blur, and not the good kind. It was the last weekend before the week-long furlough that my library system has to take and shutting down some libraries is not as straightforward as one might think. That is assuming that you're thinking about shutting down libraries for a week, which I know that you're not. But I was. And it sucked my weekend into a pre-furlough hole.

Everything went swimmingly and now, here I am, twiddling my thumbs all week with no library-ing to do and no paycheck to be had. On Sunday night I really thought that I would spend the week in my jam-jams, watching movies and reading books and doing a whole lot of nothing. Then I woke up on Monday and remembered that I am me and that it really doesn't take much for me to fill up some days.

First off, I attended a rally to raise awareness about the library budget. The mayor was there, and shook all of our hands (ok, maybe not all of us, but lots of us). Working for the library, I have had many a chance to be in the same room as the Mayor and shake his hand, and I am going to admit right now that I always feel HELLA IMPORTANT when it happens. Never mind that being in the same room with the Mayor is not really an accomplishment in life as much as it is just, well, standing within a ten yard radius of someone, but you forget that I have very little in the way of fancy achievements in life so I am counting this one. The other notable thing about the rally was that at my house, which is less than 4 miles from the heart of downtown Seattle, it was sunny and 75 degrees at 10am. Downtown, where the rally was, felt like 50 degrees. We aren't smoggy like LA, and we aren't usually foggy like San Francisco, but this Monday? The fog was clinging tightly to my city.


And it was freezing fog.

After the rally I went home and met up with Nordic Boy and an arborist, who was checking on the health of the trees in our yard. Yes, we are hippy-dippy tree-lovers who hire tree doctors to make sure our trees are happy. Before you judge us, I don't know if you remember this, but in our old place there was a tree that tried to MURDER US so we take tree health serious. The good news is that the trees are healthy and strong (albeit way too large for our teeny yard), and a bonus was that the arborist left us with these tree-trunk readings that look like EKG printouts. I don't know why, but I think they're cool looking.


Just when you think there aren't any new ways to be geeky, I can find another one!

Then I went to the art supply store and to Michael's Craft Madhouse and got some supplies for my next diabolical art project. I asked the lady at Michael's for 3-D paper art stuff, and she took me to an aisle that was labeled "Bridal Bells." Can someone explain to me what went wrong in the translation there?

Then I took myself on a walk near one of the many lakes around here with the sweet sounds of Ira Glass in my ears as I went. The combination of my iPod and my pedometer taught me that I walk 3 miles in about an hour. Which, wow, could I be any slower?

After which I walked to the corner cafe near my house and met up with a friend, who kindly brought me various tomatoes from her garden. I wrapped up the day by getting Chinese take-out for me and Nordic Boy and then watching tivo'd episodes of Project Runway (second viewing for me, first viewing for him) and arguing about whether Mitchell should have gone home for the shorts or Malvin should have gone home for the hen-egg-sling. I am accepting your votes in the comments, if you please.

I have to say that I will miss my paycheck this week, but so far the furlough isn't so bad if the days keep going like this.