The year is almost up, and that means that once again, it is time! Time for Re-cap Mania! Everyone will be recapping! From Keith Olbermann to Joel McHale to Barbara Walters to Hulk Hogan!
Here is my recapathon, as I did last year, stolen from my pal Librarisaurus Rex. As usual, I am encouraging you to steal it, make it your own, and then let me know so I can come peep your'n.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
As you know, I think that the true stuff of life is made from the small stuff, so let me start this one by saying this. I had the most spectacular, funkariffic slam dunk fall, while rollerskating. I have had many a spectacular fall in my day, but oddly enough, never when rollerskating. I made up for that lack like crazy this year, all with one fall. Oh how I wish I had footage to share with you. It was like a Nascar crash, except without a car. I think there may have been flames and everything. I also spent an inordinate amount of time on Facebook. And I now have a friend who has pulled a plane around, and really, how many people can say that?
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Well since I didn't make any I technically didn't fail at my new year's resolutions. I kept all zero of them. Also, I am resolving to not make any again this year. See how I set myself up to succeed?
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Um, I don't think so. I'm feeling all kinds of anxiety about saying that. If you gave birth this year, and I am forgetting it right now, I am so sorry. This is just the sort of faux pas that would be typical for me. You had a baby? Oops! I hadn't noticed! Pass the Ginkgo!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, a dear friend of mine. It's weird to talk about it on a blog, so that's all I'm going to say about that.
5. What countries did you visit?
You know this question always chaps my ass a little every year. I stayed in America, ok? My meager travel funds are allocated for me to go visit my parents as much as I possibly can. LAY OFF.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Oh, I don't know. What did I lack in 2008? I can't think of anything significant. A dishwasher would be nice. Oh, I know. A winning lottery ticket. Sign me up for one of those.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?
Many fine things happened in twos this year. Two fine couples and friends of mine got all hitched up had dang fine hootenannies to celebrate. I went to two especially nice birthday parties for my wee friends who turned one year old each. My two relatives from New Zealand came to visit me, which was tres exciting. It was the year of number 2. Wait, that doesn't sound right.
Oh, and November 4 was kind of big. You know, if you're into that sort of thing.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staving off loneliness via my cocoon of friends and family that love me.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Failing is all about goal-setting, and goal-setting is not my strong suit. I failed to post 30 times in November for NaBloPoMo. Good enough answer? I also entered into a coat-buying contest with BioGirl and my other friend Borgsmith, which I failed miserably because I didn't even complete the contest. But really, who enters into a contest about buying a coat with their friends? I deserve to fail, just for doing that.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, I made it through unharmed for another year, despite rollerskating crashes.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Supplies for a brand new roof. I keep telling you that a brand new roof is more exciting than it sounds. Perhaps some day you'll believe me.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friends Neighbor H and Lil' R had all sorts of firsts this year. They are walking around on their own, and communicating with words and charades, and eating more and more grown up foods. These two are little one-year-olds, by the way. In case you were confused.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Two words. Prop 8.
14. Where did most of your money go?
To this question I offer you another question. What year will it be when the answer to this annual question is NOT "mortgage?"
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
So, I don't know if you heard, but I have this friend named BioGirl. I'm sure I must have mentioned her at some point, but in case you missed it, we are two peas in a pod. And for the past five years she up and left me to go get her a fair piece of book learning. This year was the year she finished all that education nonsense and moved back home where she belongs. The excitement on this was OFF THE CHAIN, yo.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
You Are Free, by Mates of State. I think I listened to that song all year non-stop. Also, Don't Stop Til You Get Enough by Michael Jackson. I went to a lot of parties with dancing this year, and that song was always on the playlist.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? About the same, I guess. I don't know.
c) richer or poorer? A tad better off than last year. Baby steps, you know.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Seeing my moms and pops.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Lying awake at night.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it with a whole lot of Nordic Boy, a whole lot of relaxation, a whole lot of snow, and it was a whole lot of awesome.
21 is missing. Time to take a breather...
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yep, over and over and over again, all with the same dude, which is rather lucky when you think about it.
23. How many one-night stands?
None, but I did have a 365-night stand. Oh baby.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Usually I get my news from newspapers and the interwebs and NPR, but this year I watched a ton of news on tv. BBC news and CNN news, mostly. I wouldn't call that my "favorite" though, but it was oft-watched tv. My favorite program, if I am going to be dead honest with you, was So You Think You Can Dance. Don't you judge me.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hatred levels constant, sir.
26. What was the best book you read?
This question was so not written for a librarian. But, if pressed, I will list the following...Last Night at the Lobster, The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks, Pete and Pickles, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, Blackstock's Collections: The Drawings of an Artistic Savant, Out of Place...ok, stopping the list now.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I got into Helio Sequence more this year. I am behind the times, I know this.
28. What did you want and get?
29. What did you want and not get?
Even more time with the peeps.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I re-watched a bunch of William Holden movies, and they were delicious.
31. What did you do on your birthday?
BioGirl and Nordic Boy threw me a birthday party! There were cupcakes, and billiards, and dressed up fancy guests and EVERYTHING. It was a grand affair.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I wished that I could have seen my friends Alli and Map this year. Our annual trip didn't happen and I missed them like crazy.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
To quote Blair Waldorf of Gossip Girl: "tights are not pants!"
34. What kept you sane?
A hearty diet of laughing, silly dances, and talking nonsense.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I have had an ongoing girl crush on Kate Winslet since Heavenly Creatures in the early 90s, and she was everywhere this year, yes? Hi Kate! Call me!
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Did you hear about a little vote we had here? For President? No? I'm not surprised, it wasn't covered much in the media.
37. Who did you miss?
A lot of people. Too many. I hate this question.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I re-met a lot of very cool people this year (thanks, Facebook!). "Reunited and it's understood! Reunited and it feels so good!" ...Sorry, just felt the need to sing a little Peaches and Herb there. Also! My friend Borgsmith (even though he challenges me to coat buying contests that I can't win).
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Keep looking for a stylist until you find The One.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I'm a living sunset
Lightning in my bones
Push me to the edge
But my will is stone
Fools will be fools
And wise will be wise
But I will look this world
Straight in the eyes -Ben Harper
I feel like I have to say something profound. That's kind of a lot of pressure. Listen, let's just say that 2008 was a year full of things I'd never thought I would see, both good and bad, and things that I know to be true holding fast. I thank my lucky charms (purple horseshoes and all) for what I've cobbled together. 2009 is on deck! Let's knock it out of the park.
The year is almost up, and that means that once again, it is time! Time for Re-cap Mania! Everyone will be recapping! From Keith Olbermann to Joel McHale to Barbara Walters to Hulk Hogan!
Ok, ok FINE, I shall give you a break from my award-winning film shorts. Once again, I fear that my blog is entertaining no one so much as myself. I watched that Scarface one multiple times, and it still makes me bust a nut laughing.
So last week was a doozy. We had days and days of snow. It felt like it would never end. It was gales of fun. The local newscasters' eyeballs almost popped right out of their heads with the dramatic reporting that they did. It was all BLIZZARD BLITZ and SNOWY SMACKDOWN and BEWARE THE BLACK ICE until you just wanted to knock someone out. I don't watch the local tv news much, but I am going to go out on a limb and say that they don't seem to be in the business of lessening panic.
As much as the snow was a hindrance to getting around the city, all in all it didn't affect us as much as some, which was nice. When we couldn't drive, we could still walk to the grocery store each day, and restaurants and stores and all like that. It was cool to be out in our neighborhood, walking around, with no car traffic to be found. There were parents and kids using the hilly streets as sledding runs from morning until after 10pm, and everyone seemed to be outside, just enjoying themselves. I had almost forgotten what it was like to shovel snow off a sidewalk. I also realized that since I moved to Seattle, I don't really have snow-appropriate shoes any more, which kind of appalled the Midwestern girl in me.
Nordic Boy had a bunch of days off from work, but I only had two, and we had the best time just relaxing. And by relaxing, I mean we had the best time spazzing the fuck out playing with our new Wii games. There were wipeouts. There were challenges made and challenges accepted. There were talents uncovered.
For instance, my mild-mannered Nordic Boy is a MANIAC on the boxing game. We weren't boxing each other, because, I don't know, that just feels weird to go all aggro like that against one's beloved. So he was boxing the Wii opponents. And dudes, he was beating the serious shit out of each and every one of them. Within seconds, Mike Tyson style, they were each knocked out. Who knew that Nordic Boy had fake boxing skills?
I admit that in every game, Nordic Boy gets a higher score than I do. There are some where we are almost even, with him beating me by a little, and there are some where he beats me by a lot. But he pretty much always beats me. Aside from the sporty stuff, we have the Wii fit, which has things like skiing, and balance games, and yoga. Again, he's better than me at all of them.
There's this game- I can't remember if it's on the Yoga part of the Wii or the Balance part. Here's how the game goes. There is a candle on the screen. You sit down on the Wii board, and the board senses your movements. If you move, the candle flickers. If you breath unevenly, the candle flickers. The object is to keep the candle still for as long as you can by remaining perfectly still. It provides distractions in the form of various sounds and background surprises that will break your concentration.
People, I ROCK THIS GAME.
Skiing, golf, tennis? Eff that. If you want someone to COMPETETIVELY SIT DOWN, you need to get me.
In other news, I may be on the verge of selling the couch I own and buying a new one. This quest for a new couch has been long and arduous, and if the one I have my eye on right now doesn't work out, my heart shall breaketh into teeny tiny pieces. I need the perfect couch to practice all the Olympic sitting that I do, you see.
I wanted to take a nice, idyllic video of the rare sight of snow in Seattle on a peaceful day in the neighborhood. Problem was, Nordic Boy was watching Scarface.
Happy holidays from me and my spooky snow banshee.
I have never seen this much snow in Seattle.
For real. Seriously.
Do you guys remember that awful rapper named "Snow?" Who sang that ridiculous "licky boom boom down" song? That song is SO NOT RIGHT. Even worse is that it is a beautiful winter wonderland outside right now and my first thought when I look at it is that effin' song. Yick.
So for those of you that bore the brunt of my caterwauling about the cold weather in Seattle the other day, sorry about that. I had my moment there, and then I commenced with the Shutting Up The Complainy Weather Talk. I mean, really. Boo hoo, my life is so hard, I have to deal with snow. Yeesh. What an ignoramus I can be.
But yes, there is snow here. For Seattle, it's actually quite a bit of snow, and the fact that it's been the second big snow within a week (with another big one coming this weekend) has been all the talk around here. I have taken some walks around my neighborhood and around my workplace this week in the snow, and it feels very normal and nostalgic for me. I wouldn't go so far as to say I MISS the midwest snowfall, but it does hearken me back to my own days of yore.
Some random thoughts about snow...
When I was a kid, I had to walk around my block in order to catch the bus to get to school. Words cannot express how deeply and how accutely felt was the hatred in my heart, trudging through the drifts each day. I was not a huge fan of school to begin with, and so it was an extra insult to me that I had to put in that much effort just to get there. Fuckin' bus stop. It kind of plucks my last nerve just thinking about it now.
At school, there was always a STRICT NO TOLERANCE POLICY about throwing snowballs on school grounds. I mean, it was big, hairy trouble if you even THOUGHT about making a snow ball, let alone throw it at someone. This was probably a very good policy, as snowballs often hurt like hell. Chances are there's going to be some really hard snow in there, or even ice. Accidentally (or on purpose?) get a rock or two in there and it ain't no joke. The bad part of this policy was that as soon as you crossed the boundary from "on school grounds" to "off school grounds"? It was Snow Ball Armageddon. It was like all the pent up no-snowball energy was released right outside of school and so as soon as you stepped foot out there each afternoon you had better say your prayers because you were for serious about to get creamed.
And speaking of getting obliterated? I had two older brothers. And when we would play out in the snow, they and their friends would throw a lot of snowballs. And they would often want to have a sort of target practice. So they would tell me to go stand in front of our closed garage door so that they would have a nice target to aim at. AND I WOULD DO IT. Listen, I never said I was the brightest bulb in the socket.
Although there was a strict no tolerance policy against snowballs in my school, there was no rule against grabbing a handful of snow and shoving it down a classmate's shirt, or if you were extra talented, down a classmate's pants. We were very classy children where I grew up.
As a teenager, sometimes my friends and I would go to a local empty parking lot in the car and do doughnuts on the ice in our cars. We got pretty damn good at it. Don't tell my parents about that one, ok?
We would sled down hills using the tops of garbage cans. This seems very antiquated and Oscar-the-Grouch-ish to me now. Sometimes, if the streets in my neighborhood were icy enough, we would just sled down on our butts without a sled of any kind. That seems very tough and badass, don't it?
Lots of kids would wear snow suits. In Michigan they were not called snow suits. They were called "snowmobile suits." They looked especially sassy with a nice pair of moon boots.
In gym class in middle school, we took a whole unit on snowmobile safety and certification. I think my mom still has my certification card somewhere. I have never in my life actually been on a snowmobile, but goldangit I am certified.
Even in the dead of winter, we always still had recess outside at school. I remember huddling with my friends and the recess ladies near the doorway, all bundled up. Good times.
I never ate snow. I thought it was gross. I also never got my tongue caught on a frozen metal surface, but I know kids who did. They were always teased to high heaven.
We never, and I mean NEVER, had a snow day. I don't care if there was 6 feet of snow on the ground, you were going to school. It sucked.
These are my snow-related thoughts for today, people. Hope you have learned a little something, even if it's only that when your brothers ask you to go stand in front of a wall of some kind while they make up a pile of snowballs, DON'T DO IT.
Sometimes, at work, we do these appeciation activities, which sound excruciating when described, but I actually don't mind so much. I am not a trust falls type of person but the stuff we do at work doesn't bother me. One that often gets done is a variation of something like this: slips of paper get handed out. On each slip of paper, you write something nice about a co-worker. You put their name on it, but not yours, and then they all get collected, and then you get all the slips of paper back with your name on it, and you have a nice pile of complimentary appreciations about you to take home and put under your pillow, or sew together into a quilt, or shred up and sprinkle onto your ice cream sunday. Or something.
I think the idea behind this activity is nice. Ok, yes, it is cheesy and contrived, and maybe this doesn't work so well in a situation where you hate your co-workers and the nicest thing you can think to write on a slip of paper about them is "I love the way you leave the office every night because that's when I know I won't have to see your STINKIN' PUSS until the next morning which makes me cry with happiness instead of the constant stream of sobs I utter when I can smell your curdled soul in the cubicle next to me." But in my case, I like my co-workers, so it's not like that.
One thing that is funny to me about this activity, though, is that it really highlights to me that my "work persona" is very low key. People at work don't know me for my propensity to fall down, or my ability to quote screwball comedies of the 40s, or my love of all the cusses, or my very silly sense of humor and tendency to giggle 90% of the time. Because at work, I am...well, WORKING. I'm concentrating on my one-million-item-long task list and running around getting information out to The People like the godless commie librarian that I am. I don't have a lot of time for acting the fool when I am at work, at least not overtly. I save all that shit up and cut loose, footloose, at home and with my friends. At work I am kind of a librarian machine. A smiley one, but still.
So when we do these activities, I get little slips of paper that say things such as...
I appreciate how you deal with everything so calmly.
You always make me feel much more tranquil about everything.
Thanks for keeping the workplace around you so serene.
Your quiet leadership is much appreciated.
Calm. Tranquil. Serene. Quiet. I'm not kidding. I have a whole pile of little slips of paper and they all say very nice things, and I am not complaining, but THEY ALL SAY THE SAME STUFFS.
I showed BioGirl this pile of compliments the other night.
Her: Wow. From now on I am writing shit like this in your birthday cards and such.
Me: I know, right? "You are like a vast desert..."
Her: "You are soundless, like Bambi in the thicket..."
Me: "I love that you are like a wordless poem..."
Her: "Your muffled spirit is so inspiring..."
Me: "I barely see you, and yet you are there..."
Her: "You are like snow falling on a winter's eve..."
Me: "You're like the wind...through my tree..."
Her: Wait. Are you quoting Patrick Swayze?
Me: Shhhh. I'm being tranquil.
Ok, Seattle, you listen to me.
When I decided to cross this great country of ours and leave everyone and everything I knew and loved behind so that I could come and be with you? It was based on the premise that Seattle has mild weather. MILD. Like, grey and misty and 50 degrees in the dead of winter. And yet, what is happening this week? Snow. And ice. And winds that smack you in the face and give you a busted lip like a big abusive mothersucker. And from what I hear, we are going to be having this for a while, not just a flukey one day span. This afternoon temperatures are supposed to be in the TEENS.
WE HAD A DEAL, SEATTLE. And you are cutting out of the deal that we made. I left my home! My family! My friends! I knew no one, but I knew I could count on the fact that I would never have to feel so cold that my bones would want to snap ever again. You were supposed to keep me warm, Seattle. Or at least soggy and lukewarm. And I was willing to live with that because I grew up freezing my holy ballsacks off for 6 months out of my year my whole entire life which is bad enough as it is, but when your family is from a tropical paradise and you are genetically predisposed to sunny sandy beaches and feel all sorts of physiological confusion that your parents left all of that behind to birth you right into the Frigidaire state of Michigan, it is extra double super imperative that I turn to you to warm the cockles of my ass. You promised me! If I moved out here, you would take care of my temperate desires. No more long undies! No more scraping windshields in the morning! No more breathing in and feeling your boogies freeze in your nose!
YOU FRIGGIN LIAR.
You know what? I'm not a first impression person. Heck, I am not even a second impression person. It takes a long time for people to warm up to me. I don't know why that is. BioGirl thinks that it starts with the fact that my "resting face" is very serious looking. You know, when you aren't talking or interacting with anyone, but just walking down the street or whatever? The look on your face when you're doing that is your resting face. Your neutral face. And mine, apparently, is way serious. I concede that. It's true. But really, who has a resting face that's smiley? Wouldn't that be freaky, in a scary clown sort of way?
Resting face or not, it still is true that people don't take to me right away. I don't know why. I guess I should ask them, once we've gotten over all that. All of my friends? Are friends that simmered a good long time before busting out into full-on friendship. Like, months. Sometimes years. Not because of me. I usually invite people to things, or open up conversations with people, and they usually respond politely. But on-the-spot friendship? Where people just click? That doesn't happen to me. Sometimes I feel like I totally click with people, but then I see that they are just not feeling the love back. Until later. I will win you over eventually, home slice. It's only a matter of time. You will love me. Oh yes, that's right. It's a threat. Out of all my close friends, I can only think of one in my life that has ever clicked right from the beginning, and it was Nordic Boy so that doesn't seem to even count.
I don't know where I am going with this. I just think it's weird. It's like people are scared of me at first or leery of me. Or something. I don't get it. Do I seem scary to you?
Don't answer that.
So since I have been a Very Bad Blogger lately, I have missed telling you all sorts of kooky things. Here are some.
1. A few weeks ago, I went to see "Quantum of Solace." I found it delightful. Adding to the delightfulness that is Daniel Craig beating the shit out of people in a stylistic manner, there was this lady sitting behind me in the theater who was almost more entertaining than the movie. Every time someone would get hit, or fall down, or crash their car, or do anything that involved getting hurt, this lady would go "Ooof!" or "Ow!" or "gasp!" or "oh!" or "yah!" She was feeling each impact, viscerally. And there are a lot of moments like this in that movie. In fact, that's pretty much all there is in the movie. She oofed and ouched herself every two seconds. It made me giggle throughout.
2. Thanksgiving was also nice. Good eats, good friends, good times.
3. My mom and dad always give Nordic Boy and me a little cashola for the holidays. Rather than buy us something that we don't want, need, and will most likely give away (you know how I am about accumulating stuff), they figure that we can just buy ourselves something. Plus, it gets them off the hook for having to shop and send something. Nice, right? My parents are very unconditional givers- they really just want us to get something we want or need. Still, there are things that they, especially my mom, would be more happy giving us than other things. Like, if I were to tell her that I was going to just put the money towards groceries, or the mortgage or something, that would be ok, but not exciting. Not giftie enough, you know? Last year, we got ourselves a fancy Kitchenaide mixer. She was so stoked for us that it made the gifting that much more fun. She felt like she bought us something that we maybe wouldn't have bought for ourselves, a real treat of a gift. So this year, we are trying to come up with something that is likewise exciting. In November, I would put out feelers when I talked to my mom.
Me: I was thinking about using that money to buy ourselves that new bathroom window we need to get.
Her: Ok, sweetie. That sounds fine.
Not too excited about THAT idea. On to the next...
Me: Or, I don't know. We have always had our hearts set on one of those robot vacuum cleaners. That would be pretty cool.
Her: Sure. Don't you already have a vacuum cleaner?
Me: Yeah, we do. It's just the robot part that seems cool.
Her: Ok, sweetie. That sounds fine too.
Not excited, once again. Back to the drawing board. What to buy, what to buy? It's got to be something holiday-ish. Something sparkly. Something cute and expressive of parental love.
The other day, Nordic Boy and I were at Ecohaus, a sort of environmental home store. We turn a corner, when Nordic Boy says...
Him: I know! I have the perfect idea for what we can spend our holiday money from your parents on!
Me: Really? What?
Him: (pointing) THAT.
Me: Dude, you are NOT pointing at a toilet right now.
Him: Not just a toilet! A dual-flush, environmentally friendly toilet! It's on our list of things we need for the house eventually. But if we go in for half, and your mom goes in for half, we can do it now!
Me: A toilet? You want me to call up my sweet little mom, and announce to her that we have spent her holiday money on a TOILET?
Him: What? It's awesome!
Me: (walking away, giving him the hand)
So far, the toilet has been our best option to date. What do you think? Shall I tell my mom that she will be helping us purchase a Christmas Crapper?
I don't know. I just don't think I can do it.
Perhaps you are thinking, where the fuck have you been, Librarian Slacker?
I know, right?
I don't know where I have been, other than to say I have been OUT OF IT. I am all doughnut-like, in a glaze. An amazing glaze. Amazing glaze, how sweet the sound. It's been one of those times where I don't seem to have time for anything other than getting under a blankie and watching Hallmark Original Movies.
That's right, I said blankie. This is where I am at, psychologically, these days.
So, as you might recall, I am Christmas/winter holidays-challenged. I am not anti-Christmas or anti-winter holidays. This is not something I take a stand about. I am not a warrior in what Papa Bear (that's Bill O'Reilly for you non-Colbert-Report-watchers) likes to call the War on Christmas. It's just not something that I, on a very basic level, GET. And yes, I feel guilty about this. And lonely. I feel the holiday pressure and I feel bad that I remain so unmoved. I am like the Marlin Perkins of Christmas. An interested observer. I like the holidays, but I could take them or leave them, honestly. I'm glad they are here but I wouldn't miss them if they were gone. I am a benevolent bystander of the holidays.
At least that's what I thought until this weekend, when I was schooled by a Hallmark Original Movie. That I was watching from my Amazing Glaze. Under a blankie.
One of the things I tend to do around the holidays is try to plug into them via pop culture. Because, you know me, that's how I roll. If there is a collective American unconscious you better believe it is wrapped up in visions of Scooby Doo and Harry Potter and John Wayne dancing in all of our heads. To that end, I watch Christmas movies. Far and away the only Christmas pop culture piece that has ever really gotten way down deep into my heart and mind is the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Maybe it's because I watched it every year since before I can remember. More likely it's because I identify with Charlie Brown in a way that is almost spiritual. Among other parts of his character that I can identify with, his quest for understanding Christmas was deep to me as a kid. It pretty much still is. I'm serious. Watch that special, people. Not for Pollyanna Linus or tripped out Snoopy. But for the existential questioning of Charlie Brown. I'm not kidding. That shit is deep.
Anyway, back to this weekend. In my Charlie Brown like quest to find out the meaning of Christmas, I watch holiday movies. And this weekend, I watched the esteemed "Moonlight and Mistletoe" which was made for tv starring the incomparably-waxed-eyebrowed Candace Cameron Bure (of Full House fame) as Holly and the jolly-with-a-slur Tom Arnold as her father. This movie made me start to freak out a little. It had Christmas shorthand, and the Christmas shorthand was pointing its Scrooge-detection device RIGHT. AT. ME.
Let me list.
1. Candace is a woman who has moved to the the big city, abandoning a hometown where there are not a lot of opportunities. She has now made something of herself in the big city. To use Palin-esque language, she left the Real America (which is Christmas-y) and moved to the Fake America.
Me. That's me, people.
2. In one of the first scenes, Candace enters her office to find her receptionist has covered her entire desk with cotton balls to represent a snow scene. Like, it looked like she had hot-glued the thing from edge to edge with crazy fluffy-ness. And then added figurines, and ornaments, and lights, and trees to the scene. There was no place for her to actually do any work on the desk. Candace tells the receptionist that she needs to tone it down. This is Christmas shorthand for Candace being an Evil Scrooge Beyotch.
But see, I thought Candace kind of had a point. You know? So far I am kind of Candace-like, which started to disturb me. It's like watching 101 Dalmations and thinking to yourself "dang, I wish I had a puppy coat!" You're not supposed to identify with the Christmas Beyotch. But I was.
3. Candace's dad calls and tries to guilt her into coming home for Christmas. It is clear that she doesn't want to. And that her dad is kind of a dick. Not a royal dick, but just kind of a dick. He tells her that Christmas is for family, like that makes up for the dickishness.
Guess what my feelings were on this one? I am a big fan of doing what you want in your heart, and not feeling bad about it, and also not being around dickish people even if they are related to you and especially if they are Tom Arnold. Stay in Fake America, Christmas Beyotch, just say no!
4. When Candace goes home, she runs into a friend from high school. The friend tells her that she is married, with two kids. She asks Candace if she is married or dating anyone or has kids or whatever. Candace replies that she doesn't because she is too busy working. The friend looks at her like she is clearly a broken person with no hope. Because if you are single and without children, let alone single and without children ON CHRISTMAS, clearly we need to hold a telethon for you.
What does that have to do with Christmas, people? It's like they just throw that shit in to make you want to cut someone.
5. Candace meets a cute man. He, we later find out, is evil and greedy. You know what the foreshadowing of the evilness is? Some dialogue that goes something like this. I am paraphrasing, but not by much.
Cute Evil Guy: I love to open presents Christmas Eve.
Candace: Christmas Eve? You don't open presents on Christmas Eve. You open them Christmas morning. So that Santa can come the night before.
Cute Evil Guy: Oh yeah, of course.
This is where your suspicions of this guy are supposed to start. Because he doesn't know when to open his goddamn Christmas presents. Alert the authorities.
6. Tom Arnold runs a business called "Santaville" which from what I could see, was a place where he dressed up like Santa every day, gave sleigh rides, and sold gaudy Christmas tchotchkes. Santaville is barren these days. Dad cannot pay his mortgage and he is 50,000 bucks in debt. Candace tells him he needs to find a way to pay his bills or else he needs to sell Santaville. His response? To wait for a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
Do you think the Federal Reserve folks know about this economic plan?
Candace is skeptical of her dad's optimism. Which also is shorthand for Christmas-Challenged. Again, I am agreeing with Candace here. I do not pay my beels with Christmas miracles. Good thing too, as it's apparent I do not have the Christmas balls to back it up.
There was more, but I think I have made my point. Rather than making me more in the Christmas spirit, this thing made me feel like I am the antagonist in a bad Hallmark movie, without the change of heart at the very end.
What is it going to take people? Am I going to be a Grinch forever? Is my heart two sizes too small? And are the two Christmas pop culture characters that I identify with the most Charlie Brown and CANDACE CAMERON BURE?
Now I see why Christmas depresses so many people.
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