Thursday, February 01, 2007

But am I dumb or DUMB?

One day, Nordic Boy and I were talking about a mutual friend.

Me: That last guy she dated, he was a man, but not really a MAN.

Him: What? What does that mean?

Because the word "man" up there? In the first part of the sentence, I said it normally. The second time I said it, my voice went all weird. It was somewhere between Barry White and Eartha Kitt, the way I said it. I growled it out, like the big world-class lunatic that I am.

Me: You know, think about it. He was a man. A very cute man. But he just wasn't...a MAN.

There it was again. I didn't even know what I was saying, and why the hell I kept channeling Catwoman. This time I even clenched both of my fists as I said it. I maybe even drooled a little.

Him: What are you even saying? What's the difference between a "man" and a "MAN"?

Me: Oh come on. You know. A MAN.

Him: Just repeating it doesn't really tell me anything. And what's with that voice?

Me: It's just. Hard to explain. But there is a big difference between a man and a MAN.

Him: Oh my god, you have to stop saying MAAAAN like that. You need to explain that immediately because you are being scary.

Me: Like you. You're a MAN.

Him: But not a man?

Me: Exactly. You're just you're a MAAAAN.

Him: Holy shit. That is freaky.

Me: Do you really not understand me?

Him: I guess I kind of get it. You think I'm attractive, so that makes me a (sigh)....MAAAAN.

Me: NO. That's not it at all!

Him: Gee, thanks a lot.

Me: No, darlingest, I didn't mean it that way. Just because someone's a man and not a MAN doesn't correlate to hotness. It's just a different kind of hotness.

Him: You are totally not making any sense at all.

Me: Ok, like...Russell Crowe is a MAN. George Clooney is a MAN. You know...

And people, this is where I started to do this ridiculous interpretive dance. Like a strange cavewoman grabbing onto a brontosaurus shank and doing a yummy-yummy two-step.

Him: Whoa. What is happening to you?

Me: I'm trying to describe the difference between a man...and a MAN.

Him: By doing the mambo?

Me: Ok look. A man can be totally hot. Like Jude Law. Or Anderson Cooper. Or Orlando Bloom. But a MAN...that's just another thing altogether. It's someone you can CLIMB. Someone that will just clear off a table and have you right there. Like Clive Owen.

Him: So, Jude Law can't have you on a table? Yeah, right.

Me: You're being way too literal. It's a quality. It's indescribable. It's...

Him: ...a MAAAAN?

Me: Are you seriously telling me you don't understand what I'm talking about?

Him: Seriously.

Me: Now, let me just put it to you this way. It's the same for women. There are women, and there are WOMEN, I'm sure. Equally hot. Just different.

Him: Like?

Me: Nicole Kidman and Salma Hayek. Both hot, but Salma? A WOMA--...

Him: (interrupting me) Totally. Get. It.

Me: Thank you.

See how I educate?

Kiss the rings, I'm out.
Librarian Girl


Anonymous said...

Haha. The examples you used for man v. MAN were spot on, I have to say.

Katie Kiekhaefer said...

Exactly!!!! I've definitely used the MAN thing before to explain why certain guys just don't do it for me. Although when I say MAAAAN, I also scrunch up my face and kind of shake my fist. Which now that I think of it probably makes me look kind of like Billy Idol... huh.

Also, Clive Owen? Hubba Hubba. A total MAN.

Anonymous said...

Librarian Girl, eventhough we have spent countless hours discussing this topic, this post made me laugh so hard I almost choked on my granola bar!

Anonymous said...

Excellent instructional tactic! A good teacher is flexible in her explanation and understands how to make her student understand the topic. A+ information literacy skills :)

Anonymous said...

I see. The definition of the opposite sex in CAPITALS is relevant to their sexual prowess. I TOTALLY get it.

Anonymous said...

Jude Law and Clive Owen are a perfect example! Did you see Closer? I could not for the life of me understand why those bitches kept going back to wimpy little Jude when Clive is so HOTT and a MAN.

WDL said...

i want to rank with anderson cooper.

even though i am as married as state law allows (which means we aren't really married, we just share a mortgage) i would let him try to make me a MAN and vice versa.

that man makes me drool, and want to touch him on his bathing suit areas.


Anonymous said...

Definitely perfect male/female examples. Although I wish I could have seen the dance, too.

Rude Cactus said...

Great examples. And I'm laughing picturing the mambo.

The Kelly Green Rogue said...

mmmmm, Clive Owen! Great description and thanks for making me laugh!

Darlene said...

AHAHAHAHA I totally get it. It's like Ricky Martin compared to Jon Bon Jovi. Now theres a maaannn.